Here, Now
by dandelion123456
Summary: Aspiring med student and recent college graduate, Arizona Robbins, becomes a medical scribe for Dr. Torres, a married, straight orthopedic surgeon. Arizona's attraction to her boss is nearly instantaneous, but how far will her feelings take her? Will the glaring obstacles between them force Arizona to overlook their unrelenting chemistry? A fanfic in Arizona's POV. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! Thanks for reading. A few things I wanted you guys to know before you start reading.

First, I have already finished writing this fanfiction. After the first five or so chapters are posted, I will plan on posting a new chapter every couple days.

Second, I incorporated a lot of quotes/scenes from Grey's Anatomy. Many of the scenes and lines I used are not even Calzona moments, but I made them such for the fanfiction. So, keep an eye out for them!

Lastly, any and all comments and criticisms are appreciated.

Oh, and obviously all characters/lines/scenes/etc. are not my own. They are property of Shonda Rhimes and her writing crew. I own nothing!

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There was a time when I knew exactly what I wanted in my life. Better yet, I had it. Life passed by simply and purposefully. Looking back, my focus was narrow; my perspective limited by the expectations I had set for myself. Yet, I thought I had so much, family, friends, a successful career, money, a husband… And as I lie in this bed, drawing what seem to be my last breaths, I realize how utterly clueless I was to what was to happen next. But who could have predicted such a thunderstorm. A relationship (if you could call it so, I still struggle to define what she, we were) that seemed so consuming in the midst of the lightning and looming thunder, but when the sun finally came up and the clouds had quieted, appeared to never occur at all. Except to maybe the tree, which had lost a branch or two, or occasionally a neighborhood, which lost power for some mere hours, only to return fully functionally and its brief absence, forgotten.

In this moment I question everything I once knew, the only parts of my life I was ever able to admit to. If everything you ever desire can be altered by one event, one person, did you ever truly desire anything at all? Or was it all a fallacy; a construction of what everyone else wanted you to want, wanted you to be. Or did some people just have an illusionary effect, a consuming presence, that they could just minimize everything you once deemed important prior to their arrival? I struggle to define what was most real to me in this moment.

What I know now, as I watch every bump on the monitor, listen to every beep of my alarm, that I unfortunately can decipher with frightening knowledge (sats in mid 80s, PVCs, V tach..it goes on…), is that I am a shell of myself. Without her.

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I, Arizona Robbins, probably the best scribe in the history of medical scribes.

Okay, maybe this isn't completely true. But I am damn good for being so new. I have been working at Seattle Grace Hospital on the surgical floor for the last week. I am assigned to a different physician every day during my first two weeks here. After these two weeks, I will be assigned to a doctor permanently. I will work every hour of every day that he or she works. I will follow his or her every move, write down everything he or she says, and do every stupid ass task he or she asks of me. When they have call, I have call. When they aren't sleeping, I am definitely not sleeping.

Thus far, I have worked with Dr. Bailey, a general surgeon and Dr. Shepherd, a neurosurgeon. I would like to say they find me funny, charming and extremely intelligent, but in all honesty, I haven't spoken more than a few sentences to them. I diligently follow in their shadow, creating their notes, running their minor errands, with the vain hope that they wouldn't humiliate me in public. A fellow scribe warned me of Dr. Yang, a cardiothoracic surgeon who read this scribe's less than accurate surgical note aloud to the entire surgical team. Though this scribe was not fired, she was the laughing stock of the cardiovascular surgery team for a period of time.

Luckily for me, I had received nothing but positive reviews, even if they were as minimal as "good HPI" after spending a half hour writing a thorough history or "not bad" after accurately dictating the surgical procedure. I am anxious to be assigned to a surgeon permanently, to be chosen by someone who finds me worthy of his or her presence. I realize I perceive these surgeons as godlike, perhaps undeservingly so. But when you are an aspiring medical student, you would almost rather have a smart surgeon on your side than Jesus Christ himself.

I approach the surgical locker room, where I am told to meet Dr. Calliope Torres, the head of the orthopedic surgery department; I can't help but feel some nervousness. While meeting new people doesn't scare me in and of itself, meeting the head of the orthopedic surgery department, who I could potentially be spending a great amount of time with over the next year or so, does give me some feelings of anxiousness.

When I am about 20 feet from the door of the surgical locker room, I see the door fly open, and a tall Latina woman burst out. She is walking quickly, almost running, and I am sure this is THE Dr. Torres I have been told so much about. Nurses love to gossip about their doctors, and so far I have heard this much: she is a fierce surgeon with an intense personality. She is fearless yet graceful in the operating room. She is passionate to the point of fault about her patients. She is married to trauma surgeon (rumored unhappily, but really, how unhappy could two surgeons be together?) to Dr. Owen Hunt, chief of surgery. I can tell immediately from the strut in her walk, the way she holds her head up high, that this woman believes she is the shit. This reaffirms my assumptions that she is in fact, Dr. Calliope Torres. Her aura, her strong willed presence, takes my breath away initially until I am able to sputter out half a sentence.

"Hi, I am Arizona Robbins, your medical scr.."

"I'll meet you in front of OR 4 in 10 minutes with a large iced chai in hand. I'll give you the low down on the procedure then and what I want included in the surgical note you will create". She hands me her credit card and continues walking, before I get a chance to respond. I smile to myself, knowing fetching coffee is part of the job. Frankly, the mindless task is a relief from the constant assault on my brain that has occurred the last few weeks.

As I pay for the chai, I notice the card is a platinum visa credit card. Probably has a hundred thousand dollar limit. Figures, I think to myself, with two successful surgeons married to one another, there is bound to be some serious money between them. With the realization that they likely make fifty times as much as I do an hour, I sigh and begin my brisk walk back towards the OR.

Dr. Torres is waiting for me when I arrive in front of OR 4. She takes the iced chai from my right hand, rips the lid and straw off, and gulps down three fourths of it. "Want the rest?" she asks me. I look at her, confused, and she tosses the remainder of the chai into the garbage. Apparently I didn't answer her question quickly enough. As I try to hand her credit card back to her, she waves her finger in my face "Keep it, I will need something later. It is going to be a long day…."

"Arizona. Arizona Robbins." I say in response to her pregnant pause.

"Arizona. Right. I assume you're new?"

"Yeah. I started my on site training three days ago"

She nods and she gestures towards the sink.

As we scrub into surgery, I can't help but watch Dr. Torres out of the corner of my eye. She is, in fact, quite pretty, beautiful even. She has her hair up in a tight bun, with minimal eye make up and some sort of lip gloss that makes her lips shine just enough to notice but not obnoxiously so. I find myself not only envious of her lips, but lustful. I shake my head, trying to think else where, but I continue watching her. She stares intensely through the peering window into the OR, like she is thinking about something important. I find myself wondering what preoccupies the mind of someone as brilliant as Calliope Torres...

"Are you ready?" She says, holding her hands up in the air. I realize I have been somewhat gawking at her and I flush.

"Yes, yes of course. Sorry" I say, fumbling over my words.

She smiles at me "Good, let's get started"

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Stepping out of the OR after a 10 hours of surgery, a pace or two behind who I was convinced, the greatest orthopedic surgeon in all Washington, felt fucking good. I was exhausted beyond the point of sleep. My fingers were sore from typing and my legs hurt from standing. But man, watching Dr. Torres all day may be my new favorite thing to do. Her surgeries appear effortless. A lot of orthopedic surgeons look like butchers in the OR, pulling on this and yanking on that, but not Dr. Torres. She is smooth in every movement, every cut, with strength not visible to the naked eye. And being able to sit back and watch her, document her every move, was not only gratifying but damn near pleasurable.

I follow her back to her office, just a step behind her. When she opened the door, I was surprised to find a simple office with few photos. I noticed one photo that appeared to be of her family when she was much younger, maybe in elementary school. Another photo was on her wedding day, her and Dr. Hunt's arms wrapped around each other. The photo looked stiff to me, borderline posed.

"So, are all the charts complete?" she asks me as she sits down at her desk.

"Yeah they should be. Look them over to make sure they are accurate and what not" I say quietly, "Is there anything else you need from me?"

"No, that should be all, thank you..." She looks at me, pressing on her forehead in an attempt to remember my name"

"Arizona" I say with a small smile.

"Yes I knew that! I totally knew that. I hope I see you around soon, Arizona."


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh my god, Arizona, I thought Dr. Grey was going to murder me today. It's our first day alone together and she made me rewrite half of my operative notes. Do you know how long one operative note took me? Let me remind you that this did not include the pre-operative notes NOR the consultation notes…" Teddy said, plopping down onto our apartment sofa, beer in hand.

Teddy and I had lived together since sophomore of undergrad. She was easily the best friend I had made in college and, thankfully, we lived together well. We were both pre-medical students too, so that made things easy. We also happened to start this scribe job on the same day. She apparently had a trial run with Dr. Grey today, as I had had one with Dr. Torres.

"Please tell me that your day went as horribly as my day and that I am not a complete idiot," She pleaded.

"Well, you're not an idiot…." I said. She scowled briefly.

"So…did you like Dr. Torres? I hear she is quite the spitfire. I am supposed to work with her tomorrow" She said.

"She can be a spitfire I guess...but she is really cool so far. I like her. A lot. I am really hoping I get placed with her," Teddy raised her eyebrows at me, suspicious. She knew I wasn't one to warm up to anyone quickly, especially authoritative figures. I thought back to my introductory chemistry course, where I cried the second week of classes when my professor asked me to explain a dehalogenation mechanism in front of the class…

"Well, good for you. Looks like I will be living on the streets next month as I will likely be fired tomorrow…" I laughed at her, shaking my head.

"You are not going to get fired, Teddy. Remember her criticism and keep sucking up to her. You're good at that"

"Yeah whatever" She mumbled, taking a large drink of her beer. I dropped the conversation, secretly hoping she DID have a terrible day with Dr. Torres tomorrow. Dr. Torres and I had really clicked today. It was obvious to me that we worked well together. I just hoped she had felt the same way.

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Five days later, I meet with the chief scribe, April Kepner, regarding which surgeon I would be placed with permanently.

"So, Arizona, you had really good reviews from the five surgeons you followed. I know you have a strong interest in pediatrics and general surgery, but I am going to have to place you with Dr. Torres from orthopedics. She by far has the heaviest caseload surgery wise and therefore needs the most help from a scribe. Also, you said you had 100 percent availability this year so really this makes the most sense"

BOOYA, I think to myself.

"More importantly, Dr. Torres called me specifically to ask for you. She said you were excellent and was willing to give you a raise if it meant she could have you as her scribe. No physician has ever called me asking for a specific scribe, ever. Excellent work Arizona, though if I didn't know better, I would think she had a little crush on you"

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I held onto the details of April and I's conversation for the remainder of the week, particularly the word _crush._ Because my feelings towards Dr. Torres are exactly that. Yes I have to follow her around as a job, but I watch her incessantly, and I know it. Even on days when she is so busy she barely utters a word to me, I watch her. Do I feel creepy sometimes? Absolutely. I have a little crush on a 34 year old, married, straight, beautiful, smart, perfect, woman. I am a 23-year-old aspiring physician, current medical scribe with a very limited sexual experience aside from random college hook ups with both men and women, which, for the record, were hardly more pleasurable than a hug from my aunt Sue. I have less than $2000 to my name. I can hardly afford my apartment even with my roommate, Teddy. I haven't been on a real date in over a year. Hell, if we are being honest, the only person that has ever made me cum was a one-night stand with a woman named Lauren. That was actually more of a success on my part than hers though; who knew dry humping for 15 minutes halfway to black out drunk could produce an orgasm!

I know I am crazy, and I don't expect anything at all. I just, can't stop watching her.

After a particularly early morning a week or so after I had started working with her, (5:00am for Dr. Torres. 4:30am for me, I had gotten used to preparing my first surgical note prior to arrival as well as getting her an iced chai each morning, which always brought a small smile to her face) she invited me to the physician's lounge for lunch. Technically scribes aren't supposed to get in on the free food they offer the surgeons, but Dr. Torres and I both knew no one would question her about it just this time.

After sitting down with food on our plates, I struggle to start a conversation, partially because I was intimidated by both her and my surroundings, but also because I just wanted to know everything about her. I didn't know where to start.

"So, Arizona, what are your plans for the future?" Dr. Torres asks me nonchalantly.

I was surprised by the question. She hadn't asked me anything about myself in the week we had worked together. Though, I guess I hadn't inquired much about her either.

"Well, I applied to medical school a month or so ago" I said.

"Excellent, which schools?"

"University of Washington, Mayo, Johns Hopkins, a few schools in California, a couple safety schools, like Medical College of Wisconsin and Creighton…"

"I went to Johns Hopkins. I loved it there." She says with a smile. "How did you do in undergrad? And on the MCAT?"

"My undergrad GPA was just above 3.9. I scored a 36 on the MCAT" I say more proudly than I should, barely flinches. I wish I could say something, anything to impress her.

"Well, I am sure you will get in somewhere" She says and returns to eating.

As we continue eating, I notice Dr. Hunt walks into the lounge. He pats Dr. Shepherd on the back and grabs a plate. I wonder if he will sit by us. Oh god, I think, this could get extremely awkward. Maybe I should leave, I think to myself. But then I see him look up. He makes eye contact with me, looks down, puts his plate down, grabs a sandwich and leaves the lounge. He knows I am Dr. Torres's scribe; we have interacted briefly in passing. Once this week, he has dropped by Dr. Torres's office, saying he needed to trade cars so he could get his oil changed, and she had hardly more than nodded before he was already gone. Was he avoiding Dr. Torres? This made me more curious about her than ever.

"I think your husband was just here," I say suddenly, surprising even myself that I had opened my mouth.

She looks over each shoulder, as if he were going to suddenly appear again. When she doesn't see him, she shrugs her shoulders

"I'm sure he is busy," she says simply.

I look at her, trying so hard to read her. But I see nothing, no reaction at all.

"Maybe" I say tentatively. Suddenly I can't control my curiosity.

"So, where did you two meet?"

I can tell my comment takes her off guard, as she stiffens briefly. But she relaxes quickly, looking me in the eye.

"We met in high school actually. I was a freshman; he was a senior. We were always close friends, nothing more than platonic at first. We ended up going to the same college, same medical school. We started dating my first year of medical school. After he graduated that same year, he decided to do his residency through the military to pay off some debt, serve his country," She began twiddling her fork in her fingers, gathering her thoughts, she looked away for a second then back at me, "and I stuck by him. By the time he was back for more than a week at a time, I was doing residency here and he was the lead trauma surgeon. We got married my first year of residency. It all happened...so fast." She looks away again, but I can't stop staring. Every time she hangs on a word, I feel myself lean forward, as if I can extract her words from her myself.

"But here we are! Married for 8 years. He was gone for another 2 years in Iraq a year ago..." again she trails off, and I am left hanging. She starts gathering stuff, wiping her mouth one last time.

"That must have been hard" I say, trying to get just one more piece of information, to feel like I know her just that much more. But she just sighs and nods.

"Sometimes things just make sense, you know?" And without another word, she gets up, throws her food away and walks out the door. I am used to blindly following her around without having to say so. But as she walks by me scrambling to get my stuff together, I swear I can see the tears welled in her eyes.

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About an hour later, I was still waiting at her office to meet her for afternoon surgeries. Had I gone too far? Pushed her to talk about something that was way beyond the scope of our collegial relationship? I thought about having her scrub nurse paging her, but I didn't have a reason to do so. So I paced, back and forth in her office, hoping she wasn't just avoiding me until April came to fire me.

"Stop pacing, Arizona. Follow me," Callie half yelled at me, startling me. She started walking down the hallway towards the OR.

"Do you have a surgery scheduled?" I asked sheepishly.

"No, I am done operating for the day," She said flatly.

"Oh." I said, too afraid to ask where we were going. She stopped dead in front of OR 1, the OR typically reserved for imminent life saving operations or organ transplants. I had never been in there myself.

"April, your boss, told me you had an interest in general surgery and pediatric surgery" Callie stated.

"I…uh…It's hard to say at this point…" I mumbled.

"So you don't want to see the product of a 6 year old's heart transplant? The beating heart of a 6 year old inside of a different 6 year old?" She asked. A smile grew across my face.

"That's what I thought," she said before I could respond, opening the doors to OR 1

"Where have you been Dr. Torres? You have held us up from closing for 10 minutes!"

"Sorry, Dr. Stark. We will only be a minute. I just wanted to show my scribe your beautiful work." Callie said.

"Well, make it quick" he said, stepping away from the OR table.

Callie waved me forward as the scrub nurses hastily gowned, masked and gloved us. I had never stood so close to the OR table before. Usually I am in the back of the room, typing away as Callie dictated certain parts of the surgery she wanted included in her operative note. The bright lights of the OR were shining in my face, the cool, still air of the OR left me slightly chilled but all the while content, as I had no time to focus on how I was feeling. I was completely absorbed in what was right in front of me. Here, now, I was less than a foot from a live, beating, transplanted pediatric heart. Watching that heart beat seamlessly, as if it were in the body it was born into, felt like no less than a miracle.

Absorbed in this incredible moment, I failed to realize that Callie was standing across the OR table watching me. I looked up and saw her there, her eyes beaming at me.

"Incredible isn't it?" She said. Her eyes were lit up so brightly, it was almost as if I could see her smiling through her mask. For a second I didn't think I would be able to form words I was so carried away in this moment. Not only this experience in the OR, but sharing this experience with Callie, was surreal.

"Amazing" I sputtered out.

"Alright, alright, I gotta close this kid up before we put him at further risk for infection" Dr. Stark said shooing us away from the OR table. Callie and I tore our masks, gloves and gowns off and exited the OR in unison. I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face; the high had followed me out of the OR.

"Dr. Torres, thank you so much for showing me that. I will never forget it." She nodded, a look of dissonance replacing the joy that had previously overwhelmed her face.

"Don't forget this feeling, Arizona. One day you will wake up and forget you ever felt it at all"


	3. Chapter 3

After that day, Dr. Torres talked to me much more freely about everything, with the exception of Dr. Owen Hunt.

I learned that her first name is Calliope, which she is embarrassed about, so she goes by Callie. I didn't tell her that I thought it was beautiful.I learned that she is from a large family full of tens of cousins, aunts and uncles. She has a younger sister who still lives in Miami with the rest of her family.

She stereotypically loves Mexican food but won't go near Asian food, "its all the same!" she exclaims to me as I pick up orange chicken in the cafeteria one day. I don't argue with her, I just smile and drink in her energy, let it intoxicate me.

She loves being outside, but only if the weather is perfect. Oh, and she is happiest on the beach. When I ask her why the hell she is living in Seattle, she does her characteristic shrug with a deep sigh and says "I don't have an explanation for anything anymore".

She loves operating and adores her patients. She cried a week ago when a man returned for his third hip replacement post op follow up visit and was extremely upset because he was even more pain and had even more limitations in his range of motion. When he started throwing things, threatening to sue her, she remained calm. Instead of calling security like any other doctor would have, she tried to hug him, only to be shrugged off and cursed at.

What she wants more than anything is a house full of kids. "I'll take any healthy child," she says with her fantasizing grin, "but a daughter..." smiling even bigger at the thought. When I ask her why she hasn't had children yet, she blows it off saying, "it's not the right time" without further explanation. I don't push her to answer, because something tells me she would have been pregnant yesterday if she had it her way.

I find her miraculous, breathtakingly stunning. Her passion, her energy, invigorates me, keeps me on my toes. Yet her subtle mannerisms towards me, a friendly touch on the shoulder here, the way she comes up behind me and reads over my shoulder, give me some sense of security that I have never had with anyone, ever. We eat most of our meals together and spend little time apart during the day. Is our relationship borderline inappropriate? Maybe, but only because I know the thoughts I have had about her. On the outside, we are close colleagues, as we should be, given the amount of time we spend together. But between us, there is an unclassifiable chemistry. Not a day goes by without an urge to kiss her; not a night goes by without allowing myself to imagine what it would be like to be inside of her.

One afternoon, she let me leave early. She had a difficult operation in the morning and wanted the rest of the day off. Though I acted excited about my unexpected afternoon off, I couldn't help but feel like I missed her before I even left the hospital. Remembering I still had her credit card in my pocket after getting her daily chai tea this morning (which I often took home, accidentally, and was told it was no big deal), I took the opportunity to return it, to see her one last time.

When I entered her office, I found her dancing. And not the quiet shuffle type of dancing, the full on, hands in the air, shaking her cute little ass, dancing. She had her headphones in and couldn't see me, so I quietly closed the door and watched her for just a second, captivated by her, lusting for her. I wanted to throw her onto that desk and screw her senseless. I wanted to make her mine. Just as these thoughts began crossing my mind, she saw me. And instead of becoming embarrassed, she smiled bigger than I have ever seen her smile. Pulling her headphones out, so I could hear the music too. And we both just started dancing, jumping up and down, occasionally grabbing hands and swinging one another around. It felt so natural despite everything. I spun her into me and just once, she ground her perfect ass into my crotch, like a couple of horny high schoolers. I almost lost it right then and there. But she moved away, hands in the hair, dancing like nothing unusual had happened at all. When the song came to an end, we both slowed, breathless and slightly sweaty. She was glowing, radiating heat her head thrown back in a fit of giggles. It was in that moment of pure, unfiltered bliss, I stopped filtering my thoughts just briefly enough to realize that I was in love with Calliope Torres. And when she came back down and looked me in the eyes, our faces inches apart, she knew it. So she grabbed her coat and purse and left without a word spoken

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A half hour later, I felt like I was still on fire from our encounter. I wish I knew what she was thinking, what this all meant

"Hey Arizona! It's weird seeing you here at this hour" Teddy, said to me as I walked into the apartment. She was a scribe too, but her schedule was much less relentless than mine.

"HA HA, Teddy". I said, setting my keys down.

"Seriously Arizona, all you do is work work work. I miss having you around!" Teddy said.

"I know I know, my days get long. We can get drinks tonight though if you want, as long as I am not out past 9:00 or so". I said.

She chuckled, "Whoa 9:00! Let's not get too crazy you might break a hip."

"Shut up, Teds" I said, plopping onto the couch.

"So, how was Dr. Torres today?" She asked.

"She was good…" I said, realizing that she would pick up on the fact that I was clearly hiding something. She raised one of her eyebrows, questioningly. Apparently I had been talking about Callie incessantly for the last few weeks. Teddy was constantly giving me shit for it.

"Arizona, you talk about this woman nonstop and today, she is just "good"? What's going on…?" She asked.

"Nothing! Seriously nothing. Callie is just a cool person. I like working for her" I said.

"Right. All I am saying is, I like my boss DOCTOR Grey too. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have talked about her outside of work. You on the other hand, talk about DOCTOR Torres five times a night if I let you." She said. I flushed.

"I don't know what you want me to say Teddy." I said.

"Don't say anything Arizona. Just watch yourself. She is married, TO A MAN. She is your boss. Nothing good will come from your feelings for her." Teddy said.

"Oh come on, Teddy, You really think I have feelings for Ca…Dr Torres?" I said defensively. She gave me the 'I'm not an idiot' look.

"If anything, it's just a girl crush. But it's nothing!" I said.

She smiled and shook her head. She paused for a moment, "From what I have seen and heard, this is anything but just a girl crush"


	4. Chapter 4

The days that follow THE day, are frighteningly normal. I can tell she is making extra efforts to make things ordinary between us. We go through our days in our typical fashion: she operates, I write, fetch coffee, make small talk, etc. We talk about nothing but the day-to-day hospital gibberish. And when I leave the hospital, I don't come back and join in on her dance party. Despite this "normalcy", things have changed. She let her guard down, long enough for me to cross over the line and realize I never wanted to go back. To an outsider, we appear to be going about our daily, normal business. But there is electricity that has rolled between us since that day. When we are anything less than 3 feet apart, she stiffens, like a teenage girl expecting her first kiss. Her eyes are softer, and they roam when they previously were laser focused. It always seems like she's pondering something, when she used to seem so direct, so self-assured. For me, nothing has changed other than my acceptance of what I have felt all along. Calliope Torres has captivated me from the start. But these thoughts were all fleeting and incomprehensible until we danced and I was allowed to really see her. In that moment, it felt like my life had been set on fire.

Four full days went by before we talked about anything substantial. That night just as I was grabbing my coat from her office, she asked me to wait for her to walk out to the parking lot. Smiling, I said, "Sure, I would love to"

She anxiously put her things into her purse, locked her office, and began walking in step with me. We walked without speaking about halfway through our walk. I wondered if she felt the same way I felt, like it just felt good to be next to one another. But then, she spoke.

"I'm...sorry about the other day. In my office" She said quietly.

"You don't need to apologize Dr. Torres" I said with a smile "It was kind of...nice actually"

"Please, Arizona, call me Callie" She said. I looked to her confused; she stopped, turned to me and locked eyes with me.

Breathless, I uttered, "Callie".

We were close, closer than we had ever been. Our faces mere inches apart. And she let us remain that close for a few moments, until she finally stepped back, hanging her head low.

"Arizona I have really enjoyed working with you this last month or so. But I am requesting a new scribe, effective immediately" she spoke strongly. My face fell, simultaneously, hers fell too.

"I don't know what to say" I said quietly. I felt like she had knocked the wind out of me. "Why?" I asked. Though I knew why. SHE knew why. But as desperately as I wanted her to, she wouldn't say it. She wouldn't acknowledge why. She just let the still air hang between us, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"Goodbye, Arizona" And she left, without another word.


	5. Chapter 5

The following day, I returned to the hospital around an hour later than I normally meet up with Dr. Torres. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe I thought I could convince her that replacing me was the exact wrong thing to do. Even though I knew that was anything from the truth.

As I was walking towards her office, I spotted Olivia, one of my favorite orthopedic nurses. She stood right outside of Callie's office.

"Hey Olivia, have you seen Dr. Torres?"

"Actually yes, she is right around the corner at the charge desk, next to the med room," she said with a smile.

"Great, thanks" I said.

Everything after that conversation happened in slow motion, so slow that I remember every detail. I remember looking behind my right shoulder and seeing Mr. Warren, the man that was so upset with Callie all those weeks ago. Somehow for reasons I still can't recall, that abbreviated glance was enough time for me to notice that Mr. Warren had a gun tucked in his left jacket pocket. I also noticed the recurrent limp he complained so frequently of, a complication of numerous failed hip replacements. Discretely, I turned back around and picked up my pace. Shortly thereafter, I heard him stop Olivia.

Excuse me miss, have you seen Dr. Calliope Torres?" He said, almost too kindly.

She must have remembered him, or noticed the gun as I had.

"I…I haven't seen her" I could hear her voice trembling as I rounded the corner, finally catching sight of Callie.

"Are you sure about that?" Mr. Warren asked more firmly.

She paused briefly; I was fifteen feet away from Callie. A cold sweat rolled over me as Callie made eye contact with me.

"Yes" I could hear Olivia whisper. Moments later, I heard a gunshot, and a body drop to the floor. At the same time, I grabbed Callie, stole her badge and flashed in front of the medication room.

"What the hell was that?" Callie screamed, as I practically shoved her through the door. I knew Mr. Warren was close. I heard the steps, the screams in his wake, gunshots...

"Shut up!" I covered her mouth, pushing her and myself into the room. Though there was a small window in the door of this room, no one could get in or out without a badge. Of course he could steal a badge. I prayed he wasn't bright enough to think of this. I shoved her behind a crash cart and knelt down beside her. She looked absolutely petrified. Beautiful, but petrified.

"I need you to be silent" I whispered, more gunshots, more screams, she closed her eyes and began shaking.

"Listen to me. Mr. Warren is out there. He has a gun. He is looking for you. I will do anything and everything to protect you, but you need to be quiet and you need to stay still. Can you do that for me, Callie?". She continued to shake, but she nodded ever so slightly.

With that, I turned the lights off and we rode out the storm together, tucked in the tiniest corner of that med room, hidden behind a crash cart. We were there for minutes, hours, I am not sure. I do know she shook the entire time, despite my attempts to console her. I held her, like a human shield. As the gun shots played on ever infrequently, as I heard Mr. Warren shrieking Callie's name, asking for her and only her, my only thought was to keep her safe. Even when I heard the dogs barking and the police firing shots into Mr. Warren's chest, I wouldn't disclose our location. I needed her safe. And in this little corner, she was safe. It was only when the police had evacuated the entire building, and Dr. Owen Hunt came knocking on the med room door, that I attempted to stand up. Even then, Callie grabbed my hand in hesitation. She wouldn't let me go anywhere near that door.

"It's ok," I whispered, lifting her chin with my finger, locking eyes with her. "It's Owen, your husband, you are safe"

She nodded ever so slightly, her eyes still wild with fear. Holding hands, we opened the door. Owen was standing there, arms crossed, looking intensely at Callie.

"Jesus Christ Callie, we have been calling for you for two hours now. There's no way you didn't hear Mr. Warren shot, it was 20 feet away from this door! Do you have any idea how long we have been looking for you?" With that, Callie went white and vomited. Owen dropped his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry, I'm just glad you are safe. I was so worried." He hugged her closely. She stiffened, still clutching my hand.

"Arizona, thank you for staying with her, I think you are free to go. We are evacuating the hospital, with the exception of necessary staff and the victims of the shooting". Owen said, holding Callie. She suddenly back away from him and looked at me wide eyed panicked. He looked at her puzzled initially, but then relieved, like he was off the hook.

"You know, Arizona, I know this is a lot to ask, but would you mind taking Callie back to our apartment. Maybe keep an eye on her for a couple hours? Clearly she is in shock and I don't want her home alone. I will be here all night and most of tomorrow I'm sure. Lots of trauma, lots of carnage, lots of PR to deal with" He said quickly, "Here's 100 bucks. Get Chinese or something" He said handing me a 100-dollar bill.

"Sir, I don't know..." I said stumbling over my words.

"Please" Callie said, pleading. I don't know if Owen or I were more stunned by her first words since all of this.

"Of course" I said with a small smile.

"Thank you Arizona. Callie, keep your phone on you, I will call you when I can. Stay home tomorrow, relax. We can talk about everything tomorrow" Owen said, walking away, his phone already to his ear.

We slowly began heading towards my car. There was blood everywhere, shells of bullets all over the floor. It was all so surreal. We had been so close to a tragedy, silent observers hidden behind a wooden door. Truthfully though, the only thing I really remembered after that, fear, uncertainty and shock aside, was leading Callie through the chaos surrounding us, her hand in mine.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time we reached her apartment, almost an hour later after driving through the crowds, police and traffic, I felt mentally and physically exhausted. It was 10:00PM, we had been locked in that closet together for so many hours. I couldn't even begin to imagine how she was feeling. I remember the true sorrow she felt when Mr. Warren was so angry with her all of those weeks ago. And now for this to happen, to have people die because her perceived "failed" surgery, I am sure she was devastated.

We sat on the couch, together. Initially I grabbed for the remote, something to distract Callie. I soon realized the TV was likely plagued with the shooting. So we sat there for a moment. She sat on the middle cushion, her head hung slightly with fatigue and sorrow. I sat facing her, rubbing her back, telling her things would be ok, that I would make them ok if it was the last thing I ever did. And she just held my hand, limply.

"So Owen said you like Chinese? Lets order some. We haven't eaten all day Callie…" I said. She looked at me with an annoyed expression.

"I hate Chinese. You know that I hate Chinese. I don't know why Owen would say that I like Chinese..."she said, her eyes blankly staring at the wall in front of us.

"Well, I like pizza…do you like pizza?" I asked

"Pizza is good." She said quietly.

"Hawaiian?" I said with a small smile.

"Sure" She said.

Again, when I tried to stand to grab the phone, she held onto me, causing me to fall back into the couch. She didn't even look at me when she did it, almost like it was a reflex.

"Ok, well can I borrow your phone then?" She handed it to me and I called the pizza guy.

"It should be here in 45 minutes or so" She nodded. Not knowing what to do, I looked around. They lived in a very nice apartment. All of the appliances were state of the art, the furniture seemed new, granite counter tops, huge flat screen in front of us, the whole works. Yet, I felt uncomfortable there.

"Do you want to talk about it, Callie?" I asked. I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it. Not yet, anyway. It still felt too surreal, almost like a daydream.

"I just want to go to bed" She said softly.

"Oh okay. Let's go and I will bring you some pizza when it gets here." I said.

The master bedroom was modernly beautiful. Another massive TV, two beautiful night stands, and a California king size bed. There was a bathroom about 10 feet from the bed, but I couldn't see inside of it. I imagined a glorious shower and massive Jacuzzi sized bathtub. She sat down on the bed, still staring at nothing.

"Can I bring you anything, Callie?" I asked.

"No..."She said. As I stood up to leave, she pulled me down, again. I chuckled a little this time.

"Seriously Callie, I am going to fall one of these times. Will you just tell me what you need?" I said

"I need you to stay here, with me. Just...don't leave me" she said, finally looking me in the eye. She looked so incredibly sad, torn up inside. I gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand.

"I am not going anywhere. Except maybe to get the pizza, when it comes. Ok? I am with you" I said. She breathed a sigh of relief and finally, after nearly 12 hours, Callie let go of my hand.

xxxxxx

Hours after the pizza man came and went, the pizza was eaten and we had brushed our teeth, we were finally in bed, pretending to sleep. We had our backs to one another, both of us a little shy regarding the fact that we were sleeping in the same bed, especially given everything that had happened in the last 48 hours. She had fired me, we had hid in a closet together for hours, held hands for 12 hours straight, survived a shooting, _survived a shooting._ All those people had died, and we had lived. Why? Why us? I felt grateful, yet confused. Everything that had happened was so coincidental. These thoughts raced through my mind all night. The gunshots, screams, the dogs barking, Callie's teeth chattering in fear. It all played on repeat in my head.

Somewhere in the middle, in my semi conscious state, I felt Callie turn over. Despite the size of the bed, we slept relatively close. I was towards the middle of the bed, her on the edge of the bed, closest to the bathroom. After hearing her turn over I could have sworn I felt the slightest touch of her hand against my back. I thought my dreams were deceiving me, until I felt her index finger, tracing my torso, from my shoulder down to my hip, finally to come to rest on my waist. I felt my breath hitch and my heart race, suddenly wide-awake, praying this wasn't a dream. We laid that way for a while, both probably wondering what to do next. After mustering up some courage, I rolled towards her, holding her hand on my waist. It was pitch black, but I found her face, stroking her cheek. I felt wetness, tears, and pulled myself just slightly closer. My senses were overwhelming, only magnified by my extreme fatigue. My eyes were fighting to close but I wanted so desperately to kiss her in the safety of the darkness. But before I moved, she began to push me away. I reached for her, aching for the contact we had just had. Yet she seemed to move just far enough away so I was out of her grasp.

"Callie…what do want from me" I pleaded.

"I'm so so sorry" she said in a half sob. And she rolled over without another word


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up in a complete and utter daze. I forgot where I was and what had happened, just long enough to have a moment of bliss before the rude awakening hit me. The shooting, the med closet, and Callie. Oh, Callie.

I looked to my right and she was gone. The alarm clock next to the bed read 8:46AM. I can't believe I had slept so long; we usually were at the hospital by 5:00AM. I ran my hand through my hair, assessing the grossness of it, realizing that should be the very least of my concerns at this time. Then I heard a shower starting. I looked over, and the bathroom door was cracked open, just ever so slightly. Enough for me to see that Callie was standing just in front of the shower door, naked. I closed my eyes, embarrassed for her, trying to maintain her modesty. But I gave up on that after a moment or two, and saw her step into the shower. It was a beautiful shower, the entire floor and walls were a light grey tile. The showerhead was huge and hung from the ceiling. There were flowers in the windowsill. And my favorite part, the shower doors were glass.

I sat there for a moment, just watching her. She was just standing under the water, not moving. I wondered why she didn't shut the bathroom door, why it was left open just a crack, enough for me to see. Was it an invitation? Or just a simple mistake?

I don't know what came over me, but suddenly, I was walking to the door. But I paused. This is fucking crazy, I thought. She is vulnerable, scared and sad. Even more than that, she is MARRIED. She is in a heterosexual relationship. I can't do this. I absolutely cannot do this.

Just as I was about to walk away, I realized I was never really going to walk away. I was in too deep. I love her. I have loved her since the day I met her. I wish I could erase that feeling. But I can't. Last night, was horrible but at the same time, completely amazing. She touched me; she initiated this. I can't ignore that. I don't want to ignore that.

I walked into the bathroom. I took off my clothes, layer by layer, until I was completely naked and staring at her. I knew she had heard me come in, but she didn't turn around. She had her back to me, her forehead against the tile walls, just letting the water fall down her back. She looked completely stunning. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so nervous, but I opened the shower door anyway. Still, she didn't move. I let the warm water wash over my body and through my hair. I took a step, and was now millimeters from her back. Still, she refused to turn around, like she was ignoring me. But she didn't move, she didn't say no, she didn't scream in surprise. She wanted me there; that much I was sure of. She just didn't know how to want me there. I put my hands on her waist and felt her quiver.

"Look at me Callie" I whispered in her ear. She dropped her head a little further, then slowly turned to me. We were facing each other, water pouring over us as we were directly under the showerhead. I lifted her head with my finger, forcing her to make eye contact with me. Once we did, I felt the mutual acknowledgement between us that these, our feelings, were completely real. They could no longer be ignored, or brushed off. And we were about to physically make our feelings known.

"Oh Arizona" She sighed, resting her forehead on mine.

"Calliope" I whispered, closing my eyes. Our hands were entwined, my thumb stroking her hand. I felt her lift her head, just enough to align our lips. I felt her breath against my lips.

"Kiss me" I said. She put one hand at the base of my neck, and slowly, our lips met for the first time. We kissed slowly, navigating the waters of this incredibly new dimension of our relationship. She had a fistful of my hair and I rested my hands on her face. After a few seconds, she pulled away and took a step back. I took a moment to just stare at her. Her perfectly rounded breasts, her curvaceous figure, her stunning eyes and perfect, caramel colored skin. I could never have resisted her. I backed her into the wall, putting our hands straight up against the wall, so she couldn't withstand me.

She looked me in the eye, "I'm scared Arizona"

"Me too" I said. I began kissing her neck and I heard a small moan escape her lips.

"I have never done his before…with a woman" She confessed.

"Me neither, not like this, anyway" I said, ending my sentence with a kiss on her forehead.

"What are we going to do?" She asked quietly, a tear running down her face. I rested my forehead on hers, letting her arms fall to my waist. She pulled me close.

"I don't know" I whispered, "But I am here, now. I am with you. And I am not going anywhere."

She let a small sob escape. I kissed her, harder this time, and the sob resolved. I drew away from her slowly and sat down on a small bench towards the back of the shower, water still raining down on us. I grabbed her hands and pulled her into me. She stood and I wrapped my arms around her waist, slowly kissing her stomach. She had her arms around my neck, soft moans leaving her lips as I inched my way up her torso. I lifted my head briefly, and pulled her down so she was strattling me. Our clits grazed briefly, and we both gasped. With her sitting on my lap facing me, I began suckling each nipple slowly. I let my tongue roam her areola, my hands wandering to her ass, giving it the occasional squeeze. She placed her hands on my breasts, unsure of herself.

"It's ok" I said, putting a strand of hair behind her ear, "Do what feels right". She smiled and kissed me deeply, her tongue tracing my teeth. I squeezed her ass again, and she shifted her pelvis closed to mine, enough to make contact. She then wedged her right hand between us and she palmed my crotch. I moaned and pulled her closer. She looked so beautiful, soaking wet on top of me, her long black hair running down her back. Without moving her hand, I shifted her onto my left leg. I moved her back and forth, pleasuring her with the simple skin-to-skin contact. She threw her head back, breasts bouncing slightly as we moved. She rubbed my clit harder with her palm. We moved in sync for a few minutes, until she stopped, suddenly breathless.

"Arizona, I am so close" she said, shifting herself back so she was sitting between my legs again.

"I know Calliope" I could feel my own juices coating my legs. She leaned down and began kissing my neck. She leaned towards my ear, biting my earlobe.

"I want you inside of me, the first time" She admitted bashfully. I pulled her face towards me and kissed her softly.

"Take me to bed, Callie".

We didn't even bother turning off the shower or drying off. She took my hand and led me out of the shower. I picked her up, her legs wrapped around my torso and laid her onto the bed. Her raven black hair splayed across the pillow. She was absolutely glowing. I climbed onto the bed, her knees were loosely together, as if she was hiding herself from me. I hovered over her, my wet hair dripping onto her chest.

"Are you ready?" I asked. She nodded, pulling me down by the ass. It felt so good to be on top of her, to feel her warmth. I slowly crept up to the kneeling position and spread her legs. I could see her bud, swollen with anticipation. I kissed her inner thighs, making my way towards her mound. When I finally kissed her bud, she trembled. Smiling, I kissed her soft lips and slowly, entered two fingers into her. I felt her walls tighten around my fingers and began a rhythmic pace. She met my rhythm with thrusts of her hips. I quickly began rubbing her clitoris with my available thumb.

"Oh my god, Arizona" she moaned.

I quickened my rhythm, feeling her walls begin to contract. She grabbed my ass, squeezing it to the point it was almost painful. I curled my fingers inside of her and accelerated the thumb speed on her clitoris. She thrusted once more and then felt her walls quiver, releasing my fingers from their grip. Her entire body relaxed, and I removed myself from her. When I fell beside her, I couldn't help but smile. Because all the terribleness of yesterday melted away, just for those few moments, and I allowed myself to fall into her.


	8. Chapter 8

We woke up a short while later to the phone ringing. She was nuzzled in the nook of my arm, my head resting on the top of her head. I prayed she wouldn't hear the phone, that we could stay like this for just a couple more minutes. Unfortunately, I heard her wake and blindly reach for her phone.

"Hello?" She said into her phone.

"Callie, it's Owen"

"I assumed," She said cooly.

"Did you just wake up? It's almost 10:00AM." He asked. She looked at me and couldn't help but hold back a smile.

"Not exactly. Are you on your way home?" She asked.

"No, I won't be home until tonight some time. I slept a couple hours here and have been in and out of surgeries and meetings since. Have you been watching the news? Things are crazy here. The whole hospital has been shut down for investigation, minus the staff and patients that were injured by Mr. Warren. Our surgical and ICU team are covering the wounded, which believe me, is significant. That bastard shot 14 of our own and 6 patients. Thankfully, only 3 fatalities so far" Callie's face dropped at that statement. I quietly kissed her forehead.

"How is Mr. Warren?" She asked.

"Oh he was dead on the scene. Police shot him down before he could do anymore damage," Owen said proudly.

"Oh" Callie said quietly.

"Hey, I gotta run. Turn on the TV, seriously." And he hung up without another word.

She sighed, setting her phone down. I pulled her closer and she resisted me. I propped myself up on my side, waiting for her to say something. But she didn't. She just laid there, looking at the ceiling.

"Do you want breakfast?" I asked. She shook her head

"Do you want a chai tea latte?" She shook her head again.

"Do you want to take a shower? Because I could be talked into that again." With that comment, she formed a small smile.

"Talk to me, Callie" I said. She sighed, closed her eyes and let tears fall down her face.

"I feel so horrible. All of those people died, because of me. I should have just let him shoot me instead of all of those innocent people". She said mid sob.

"Calliope Torres, there is no way in hell I would have ever had such a ridiculous thing to happen. Mr. Warren, was mad. Not that he didn't have a right to be, but he is in the wrong here, not you. I won't let you think that this was your fault. You did everything you could have for him." I said.

"Except stand up when I should have! I cowered in the corner of that med room for hours, shaking, listening to my colleagues get shot up, while I lay here and live to see another day. How am I supposed to live with myself?"

We locked eyes, a desperate look in her eyes. I felt her pain in that moment and would have done anything to take it away.

"You're going to be ok, Callie. I am so grateful that you are alive. I hope that you will try to be grateful, too" I said, squeezing her hand.

"I am going to make you a chai, ok? I can't really cook...but I could make like...I don't know...toast? I know you're like Miss Master Chef but I am not nearly as gifted nor talented as you" I said with a smile.

"How about left over pizza? And chai, yes, would be great. Thank you, Arizona" She said.

"Of course, that's what I am here for" I said with a smile. I rolled off the bed.

"Arizona?" She said.

"Yes, Calliope?"

With as big of a smile as she could bear under the weight of everything, she said, "You're officially unfired"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The rest of the day was spent lounging in bed, with pizza in hand and the TV on. We didn't talk about the night before, or the shower, or about making love. She didn't bring up the fact that she was married, that Owen would be home in just a few short hours. She didn't address how complicated this all was. And I definitely didn't bring up the fact that I was head over heels in love with her. We just, were. Our connection was deeper than just an animalistic physical attraction.

During that day, I felt like we were in sync, like our needs were symbiotic. When she cried, I felt her sorrow. When she talked, I finished her thoughts. When she looked at me, with even the smallest expression, I knew what she wanted. As opposite as our temperaments could be at times (her- passionate and strong willed, me- calmer yet fully capable of sassy episodes), the energy between us fed off our individuality. Our cohesion felt as natural as breathing; and I couldn't believe I had existed before her. Yet, we didn't talk about any of this. If we did, reality would slap us in the face, hard. So we let ourselves focus on the tragedy that was the shooting, and allowed ourselves to ignore the enormous obstacles that were in our path.

"I should go, it's almost 5 o clock" I said to Callie, whose arm I was nestled under.

"I guess you should. Owen said he would be home this evening sometime.." She said taking her arm back.

"So…I will see you tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah…I'm planning on going back to work tomorrow" She said.

"5:30?"

"5:30" she confirmed with a smile. I smiled back and her, turning to leave.

"Arizona?" I stopped and turned to her. She had a sad smile on and tears in her eyes.

"Thank you..so much. I literally would not be here, without you". I wanted to say so many things in that moment. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't be here without her. That I would refuse to exist in a world without her in it anymore…

"Any time"

xxxxxxxxxx

I walked through my apartment door at 5:30. I could already hear Teddy storming around the apartment. This was not going to be good…

"Arizona Robbins where the hell have you been?!" Teddy half asked half screamed at me before I even had one foot in the door.

"I…ugh….it's a long story" I said softly.

"Oh. My. God" She said covering her eyes with her hands in disbelief, "You weren't…."

Damn it. How did she always know. A small smile escaped my lips.

"Are you FUCKING kidding me? You stayed at Dr. Torres's place after the shooting? And didn't even to bother to call me? I had to look at the dead and wounded lists at the hospital to make sure you were alive!"

"…..yes I did. And I am so sorry, I got caught up in the...situation" I said. She gave me an even wider eye look.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Arizona, you have that stupid look on your face."

"What stupid look?" I asked.

"The look. The 'I just had sexxxx' look. Tell me I am confusing THE look with some PTSD you are having residual from the shooting" She said.

"Well….I guess it could be a combination of the two?" I said with a forced smile. With that she began banging her head against the wall.

"Calm down, Teddy. It happened once. Owen knew I was there! He told me to watch over her!"

"Yeah, to WATCH OVER HER! Not fuck her! Jesus Christ Arizona, what were you thinking? Do you realize how bad this is? Do you? People DIED yesterday. Did you forget about that?"

"I guess I haven't thought…"

"She is MARRIED. To the chief of surgery! At the hospital WE work at! They are Johns Hopkins graduates! Do you realize the pull they have there, across the country even? He could single handedly have each and every medical school reject you just because HE said so!" She pulls out three large envelopes.

"Do you see these Arizona? I have three LARGE envelopes addressed to you, one from Mayo, one from Johns Hopkins and another from the University of Washington. Want to know what they say? That you are accepted to their freaking medical schools." She said.

"What! When did these come?" I asked, tearing the letters out her hands.

"Oh, I don't know. Probably sometime this morning while you were FUCKING THE CHIEF OF SURGERY'S WIFE!" She screamed at me.

"Teddy Teddy Teddy. Can we focus on the fact that I just got into medical school?! This is the best day ever!" I said with complete and utter glee.

"WE just got into medical school" She said with a smile. With that I practically jumped into her arms, hugging her, "Well then, WE need to celebrate. Lets go to Joe's!" I said.

"Don't you think that's in pretty poor taste, given everything that happened yesterday…?" Teddy asked.

"Teddy, yesterday was terrible, horrible. People died. I, in fact, almost died. But getting into medical school is a _good_ thing. Just for tonight, I want to focus on that. I think we deserve to celebrate, just tonight."

"Ok fine. But seriously Arizona, we are talking about you and Dr. Torres later. You need to stop whatever is going on between you two. This could seriously affect your future" She said sternly.


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks so much for all of the reviews/comments! Any feedback is truly appreciated! I hope to post one more chapter tomorrow before I leave for vacation for a few days. Expect a few chapters to be posted on Sunday to make up for my absence :)

There is a lot left to this story, so please keep reading. The best is yet to come!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Within twenty minutes, we were dressed and ready to go to Joe's. Joe's wasn't a nice bar by any stretch of the imagination, but it was close to both our apartment and the hospital. It was kind of the hangout for the Seattle Grace staff. It wasn't unusual to see people there in scrubs, trying to take the edge off of a hard day.

As we walked into the bar, looking around for a small table, I heard by name called.

"Arizona!" It sounded like a male voice, but I couldn't quite tell whose...

"Turn around, turn around now" Teddy whispered frantically in my ear.

Too late, I had made eye contact and simultaneously realized who was calling my name, Owen Hunt. He waved me over to his table, where he was sitting, of course, with Callie.

"Hey guys…" I said awkwardly. Callie gave a small smile, suddenly very infatuated with her glass of scotch.

"Arizona, I just wanted to thank you again for staying with Callie last night. It's nice to know she was safe with you, especially after everything that had happened" Owen said.

"It was my pleasure, truly" I said. Teddy nudged me and Callie nearly spit up her drink.

"What are you two doing here?" I asked.

"Callie told me to meet her here after I was done at work. I think she came straight here as soon as you left! Isn't that right, Callie?" Owen said.

Clearly embarrassed, she continued to avoid eye contact, "uh, well I waited a couple minutes, but…"

"Callie Callie Callie. You have always hated being alone. Anyway, what are you two up to? Taking the edge off a hard couple days?" He asked.

"Actually, we got into medical school today, so we are celebrating" Teddy added.

"That's fantastic! Where at?" Owen asked.

"University of Washington, I applied there early decision" Teddy said.

"How about you, Arizona?" Owen asked.

"University of Washington, John Hopkins and Mayo" I said.

"Excellent! Callie and I are John Hopkins graduates. Excellent school. Well done, you two". Owen said.

"Thank you, sir" we said simultaneously. "We better go sit down" Teddy said, practically dragging me away.

"Hey, Joe, get these ladies a round of tequila, on me!" Owen yelled. "Congrats again, girls! I am glad there is something good happening amidst all of this tragedy."

"Thanks Dr. Hunt" I said, retreating to a booth across the bar.

"I cannot believe that just happened. You are such an asshole" Teddy said, gulping down her tequila shot.

"Why am I an asshole?" I asked, taking my shot shortly after.

"Because, you're all 'my pleasure Dr. Hunt' 'thank you, Dr. Hunt'. Could you get any more phony?" She said playfully punching my arm. I laughed, waving down Joe for another round.

"What am I supposed to say? Hey Dr. Hunt, I have been falling for your wife for a while now and while I was supposed to be watching her, I jumped her in the shower than made love to her in your bed? Some how I think this is an inappropriate time for such conversation" I said.

"First of all, you're falling for her? Secondly, I would rather not hear about the details for your sexcapade with your boss. Gross!" She said. We bumped shot glasses and tossed back our second round.

"Sorry. But look at her, she is so…hot" and she was. Clearly, Callie had taken some time to change into a cute blazer and black jeans. Her boobs looked amazing…

"Snap out of it, Arizona! Let me say it again, this is crazy! You are being crazy!" She said frantically. I sighed, downing my third tequila shot in 10 minutes. I waved down Joe for just one more..

"Lets just..drop it for now. Ok? Was Henry happy to hear that you were accepted?" I asked. Henry was Teddy's boyfriend of almost 3 years. They met sophomore year of college. Unfortunately, Henry had a lot of health problems, so he was in and out of Seattle Grace Hospital a lot. Teddy had applied early decision to University of Washington to ensure she could remain close to him. She could have gone to any school in the country, no doubt, but she loved Henry. I knew that she never planned to leave his side.

"Yeah, he is pretty excited for me. He keeps telling me that he is already planning on being a stay a home dad" She said with a chuckle.

Teddy continued to talk about Henry, how he was doing, how he was finishing up with school this semester. In my semi-drunk state, I was only half listening. The other half of me was watching Callie and Owen talk. She had had at least 2 drinks that I had seen, he was still sipping on a single scotch. Their conversation seemed to be some benign topic, but it was hard to tell in the darkness of Joe's. He occasionally would touch her wrist as she talked, but nothing overly affectionate. I knew I couldn't be jealous, of any aspect of their relationship, but any gesture he made towards her made my blood simmer.

"Are you even listening to me?" Teddy asked?

"Yes, yes I am! Henry is finishing up his nursing degree next month…" I said, prompting her to continue.

"Yes, he should be done by May 15th. I am so happy for him.." She continued to talk, but all I noticed was Callie standing up and walking towards the women's bathroom…

"Hold that thought, Teddy. I gotta use the bathroom" I said, slipping out of the booth.

Before she could say another word, I was half way across the bar, with my hand on the women's bathroom door. Slipping into the bathroom, I saw Callie washing her hands, her back to me. There was no one else in the bathroom. Had she planned this? I walked slowly towards her, trying to maintain my balance as the room was slightly spinning. Damn tequila…

"I was wondering how long it would take you to get in here" Callie said, pulling me into her by my coat, crashing her lips into mine. Her hands flew up my shirt, taking two full handfuls of my breasts. Before I could even move, she had lifted me onto the bathroom sink.

Giggling, I asked, "How drunk are you, Calliope?" She removed her lips from my neck and made eye contact with me.

"Drunk enough to want to get down in this disgusting bathroom" She said with a smile, putting her lips back onto my neck.

"You're going to give me a hickey!" I said, pushing her off with the most minimal strength. Truthfully, her lips on my neck were something I never wanted to end. She must have known that, because she only suckled my neck more vigorously. I pulled her face towards mine, teasingly allowing my tongue to slide into her mouth. She groaned, pulling me slightly off the counter top so she could create friction between her leg and my groin. I moaned as she rocked me back and forth…

"Arizona! It's your best friend and roommate, Teddy! Get your ass out here before I call…I don't know.. your mother?" Callie and I froze, an anger spreading across her face. "I'm sorryyyy" I whispered into Callie's ear, sliding off the counter top. "Coming, Teddy!" I kissed Callie's cheek, and made my way towards the bathroom door. Callie grabbed my hand just before I could reach the door handle.

"Congratulations, Arizona. I really am proud of you" Beaming, I opened the door and she let go of my hand. A very annoyed Teddy was there to great me.

"You are certifiable Arizona, honestly" Teddy said, dragging me out of the bar.


	10. Chapter 10

When I arrived to work the next morning, I was on cloud nine. Despite waking up at 4:30AM with a slight hangover, having to cover up a hickey without great success and battling traffic to get to the hospital due to the ever-present media frenzy surrounding the hospital, I knew I got to spend time with Callie today. That in itself made everything else so worth it.

"Good morning, Dr. Torres" I said sliding into her office, iced chai in hand.

"Hey Arizona. Feeling well this morning?" She asked with a small smile.

"Eh, been better but happy to be here" I said much too chipper for an early morning in the hospital.

"Good. So today is going to be a weird day. First of all, we have to meet with police and give them a detailed record of what happened two days ago, together. Then we have to meet with a trauma psychologist, together…" She said.

"So no surgery?

"No surgery. Tomorrow, maybe, if we pass the psychologist's test" She said.

"Test? What test?"

"I'm not exactly sure. I guess we will find out" She said. Moments later, a police officer was at Callie's office door.

"Are you Dr. Calliope Torres and Arizona Robbins?" The policeman said.

"Yes" We replied simultaneously.

"Great, come with me."

He led us down to one of the conference rooms.

"Did you even try to cover that hickey up?" Callie whispered jokingly in my ear as we walked into the room. I shot her a mild glare and she gave me a big smile. God, she was cute. I could never stay mad at her.

Callie and I sat next to each other, with the police officer on the other side of a large table. He had a map drawn out of the hospital floor plan, with a path that showed where Mr. Martin had gone, Xs for causalities and fatalities, and a star where Callie and I were during the entire event.

"So, Arizona Robbins" he said, gesturing to me, "Tell me what you remember about the events that took place two days ago? Utilize this map, if you can" He said.

"Well, I was walking into work around 6:00AM..." I started to say.

"My records show that you normally arrive to work between 4:30AM-5:30AM. Why did you arrive later on this date?" He asked. I wondered whether I should say I had slept in or if I should tell the truth..

"Don't worry about your answer here, Arizona. I am just trying to gather a reasonable time line". He said.

"Well... I was actually fired the night before. But I came in that morning...I don't know I guess I came to convince, Cal…Dr. Torres...that she shouldn't have fired me" I said quietly. Callie shifted in her chair next to me.

"Fair enough. So you were walking down this hallway around 6:00AM" He said, pointing to the map.

"Yes. Cal...Dr. Torres's office was to my left. I asked Olivia, the nurse, where Dr. Torres was when I saw her. She pointed me towards the nurse's charge desk, seen here on the map" I said pointing to the map.

"Then what happened?" He asked.

"I glanced over my shoulder and saw Mr. Martin. He had one hand in his pocket and had what appeared to be a gun in his pocket" I said.

"What were your thoughts at that time" He asked me.

"I knew Mr. Martin. He was a patient of Dr. Torres and I knew he was upset with the outcome of his surgery. I guess I didn't have time to think about much more than the fact that I had to keep Dr. Torres safe"

"So you see this man has a gun. He is approaching Olivia as you are walking. What happened then?"

"I started walking faster, and took a right at this hallway intersection. The nurse desk was not much further to my right. By that point, I could hear Mr. Warren talking to Olivia. So I ran to Dr. Torres, grabbed her arm and pulled her into the medication room. As we were entering the medication room, I heard the first gun shot." I said quietly.

"Right. So you're first thought was to warn Dr. Torres, to keep her safe. What prompted that thought?" The policeman asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Please don't over think my questions, Miss Robbins. I just am trying to paint a picture here. For the records. With that said, why did you choose to ignore Olivia, when she was clearly in immediate danger, and "save" Dr. Torres? Why didn't you just run here, which was the nearest, lockable room in your path?" He asked, pointing to a room much closer to me than the medication room. I stared at the map for a little while, gathering my thoughts. I knew I had no logical explanation for my actions, why I chose to think of only Callie, when so many others were in danger.

"I guess I don't know how to answer that question, sir. Dr. Torres is my boss. I care about her. Not that I didn't care about Olivia, but in that moment, my priority was ensuring that Dr. Torres was safe. That's all I know". I said.

"Thank you, Arizona. Now Dr. Torres, what do you recall about the events that led up to the shooting two days ago?" The police officer asked.

"I was standing at the nurse's desk, getting ready to scrub in for surgery. Suddenly I see Arizona, rounding the corner and heading towards me. At first I was confused. I didn't expect to see her. She looked frantic and was walking really fast. Then before I knew it, she was grabbing my badge and pulling me into the medication room. That was when I heard the gun shots..." She said, her voice dropping off.

"Once you were in the medication room, what happened?" the police officer asked.

"I basically told her to sit down and shut up. We hid behind a med cart..." I said.

"For eight hours" he said, completing my sentence.

"Yes, for eight hours" I said.

"What did you do during those eight hours? Did you talk to anyone? Hear anything?" He asked.

"I heard a variety of gun shots, screaming, but nothing particularly identifiable. We just sat there, I tried to console her..."

"I was quite shaken up, officer. I didn't do much of anything but shake actually. Arizona kept us hidden and I just...sat there" She said, putting her head down. I wanted to comfort her, to hold her hand again. She looked to me with a small, reassuring smile.

"Is there anything else I should know about that day? Anything relevant to the shooting that is?" He asked.

"I don't think so…" I said.

"Just that I'm so, so sorry" Callie said. The police officer gave us a sympathetic smile.

"The psychologist has been listening to our conversation, so she will be in here in a moment" He said, packing up his items to leave.

A few minutes later, the psychologist entered the room. She had a calming presence about her, with relaxed, flowing hair and wearing neutral colors. I wondered if wearing neutral tones was in the job description for a crisis psychologist, much like blue tones were the status quo for physicians.

"Callie, Arizona, my name is Carol. I will be talking with the both of you today in the hopes of starting the journey towards healing after this terrible incident that you both seemed very actively a part of. I know you were told that I wanted to talk to you together, but after listening to the both of you talk to the officer, I would like to speak to you, Callie, alone first. Arizona, would you mind leaving the room for a short while?" Carol asked. I looked to Callie. I was worried about leaving her alone with this woman. As comforting and kind as she appeared, Callie already looked on the verge or tears after our conversation with the police officer...

"Arizona?" She said to me, snapping me out of my gaze.

"Oh, uh, yes, that's fine. You're okay Cal- Dr. Torres?" She looked up at me, giving me a slight nod. I grudgingly left the room. I sat against the wall right outside the door. I tried to listen to what they were talking about in the room, but I was unable to hear anything at all. Closing my eyes, I let myself drift in and out of sleep...


	11. Chapter 11

"Arizona...Arizona" I heard Callie saying to me as she gently nudged my shoulder. I opened my eyes and she was kneeling beside me. Her eyes were bloodshot with tears, mascara smudged underneath her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked, trying to wake myself up fully after a few blissful moments of a nap. She shook her head slightly and ignored my question.

"Carol wants to talk to you now. I'll wait in my office for you, okay?"

"Sure. I'm sure this won't take long," I said, squeezing her hand. I walked back into the room and sat down. Carol gave me a soft smile.

"Thanks for meeting with me Arizona. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can. I have a few specific things I want to talk about, but lets start with your concerns. Is there anything on your mind? Specifically, anything related to the shooting?" Carol said.

"Well...uh.. I guess I am doing okay. I haven't thought about it much to be honest"

"Why do you think that is?" She asked. I paused for a moment, thinking over the last few days. My mind immediately went to Callie. Our time in the medication room together. Holding her hand for those 12 hours. Making love to her. Eating leftover pizza with her and watching our story unfold on the news. Joe's and the bathroom make out session. I looked at Carol after thinking about all of this, and realized she already knew.

"Callie" I whispered. She nodded, jotting down notes on her paper.

"You two must have had a very strong bond prior to the shooting. For you to think of no one, not even yourself, when Mr. Martin came with the weapon" She said.

"Not really...I mean we were together a lot. But... I don't know I kind of thought my...feelings towards her were one sided" I said.

"Could you elaborate on that, Arizona?" She asked.

"I guess I was just somewhat infatuated with her from the moment I met her. She is one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the country. She cares a lot about her patients and is undoubtedly one of the most passionate people I have ever met. She gives 100% of herself to everything she cares about. I love that. Not to mention the fact that she's completely gorgeous…" Shit, I shouldn't have said that, I thought, "You should see her operate, she is really amazing." I said with a stupid grin on my face.

"So you look up to her? Is that it?" She asked, clearly prodding me.

"I would say that's part of it" She smiled at me, seemingly willing to let it go.

"Back to the incident two days ago, what was going through your mind? Tell me about your emotions"

"At first I was scared. I didn't know definitively where Callie was. After that, I just went on autopilot. I found Callie and brought her to the place I thought she... we would be the safest." I said.

"How about in the medication room? How was that experience?"

"Honestly, it's a blur. I remember Callie shaking next to me. I remember trying to calm her, telling her everything would be okay. There were so many gunshots, so many screams. Truthfully, I was so focused on her and keeping her safe that I didn't have much time to delve into my own fears. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful I am alive. But mostly, I am thankful Callie is alive." She wrote down more notes as I sat quietly. I wonder what Callie told her, if Carol would tell Callie, or anyone else for that matter, what I was saying.

"Arizona, I want you to say, out loud, why you were so fixated on Callie, when your life was equally in danger" Carol said sternly.

"Why does that matter? I saved her life! What else needs to be known?"

"From my experience, and believe me, I have worked with a lot of people involved in psychological trauma situations like this one, acknowledging your feelings, sharing them with me, or someone else, grants you psychological freedom. It doesn't mean you need to act on these feelings, or even validate them. But recognizing the presence of your emotions, is important, especially in a crisis events like this. You need to be able to make sense of this before your brain can begin to process it" She said. I sighed, not wanting to say, out loud, what I have known all along. Knowing she was right, praying this conversation was confidential; I let myself confess to this stranger what I had not allowed myself to say since all of this began,

"I love her. I would have laid my life down for her if it had come to it. I love her." Carol nodded, writing again.

"Thank you, Arizona. I am going to give you some insight into Callie's thoughts now. Is that okay?"

"Please" I said.

"Callie, as you know, is coping with quite a bit of guilt right now. As illogical as it is, she takes responsibility for the casualties that occurred here the other day. She will likely battle with this for quite some time."

"I think that's normal" I replied somewhat defensively.

"Absolutely. However, she has identified you the one person she feels safe with. Not her husband, her other colleagues, her friends or even her mother, but you, Arizona. This makes sense; you probably saved her life the other day. But, this comes with the responsibility of being her rock, her support system, for a while. She needs stability right now, she needs to feel safe, for her own mental health. You provide that security for her. Of course, this is complicated by your relationship. She was more…. forthcoming with the history between you two to be honest" Carol said. I flushed.

"Sorry" I said.

"That's perfectly okay. I encourage you to continue to be a support to her. She needs you, Arizona"

"So what do I do now?"

"You are free to go. Go about your daily business. Show up to work. Carry on with your routine. Just know, that you are more critical to her recovery than you know" She said.

"I am not going anywhere" I said, my voice beginning to shake, "I'm here, for her"

"I know you are, Arizona. I know. Thank you for your time. You are free to go" I stood up to leave, walkig towards the door.

"And Arizona?"

"Yes?" I asked.

"Remember to think about yourself over the next few months. From our conversation today, I sense your feelings towards Dr. Torres are…consuming. Don't let it ruin you."


	12. Chapter 12

Hey readers!

Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming. I know there was one comment that questioned Owen's role in Callie's recovery/role in this story. Of course, Owen is still Callie's husband and he is a critical part of her life. However this is, for now, Arizona's story. Since we only have Arizona's POV, readers will have to imagine what goes on beyond Arizona's perspective. And I encourage you to do so. But don't worry, you will receive more details about Callie and Owen's relationship in upcoming chapters :)

If anyone else has questions about the story, please feel free to ask.

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Walking back to Callie's office, my brain spun with the conversation I had just had with Carol. What had Callie said to her? What did any of this mean for me?

I stopped for a second, just in front of Callie's office. I realized this was the spot where I had talked to Olivia, where I had seen Mr. Warren. Likely, this is where Olivia died. For the first time, I allowed guilt to wash over me. I had chosen Callie over Olivia. If I had to do it again, I would make that exact same choice a million times over. This, I realized, was the source of my guilt. Not that I hadn't saved Olivia, but I had blatantly chosen not to. I cared, loved, Callie so much that I had ignored the life right in front of me. Someone had lost their daughter, their granddaughter, their friend, the love of their life, because of me. Reaching for Callie's office, I felt myself begin to crumple. When I opened her door, Callied was already standing there, waiting for me. She pulled me into her chest and held me while I sobbed. We didn't speak or move, we just stood there, our tears running together. After a short while, I looked up at her, letting our foreheads connect. She put my hair behind me ears and kissed me on the lips, softly. After a few moments, I pulled back, looks of question on my face. She looked at me sadly, and I knew then that here, now, she was unable to give me anything more than this.

The next two days carried on in a similar fashion. We met with Carol, together or apart. When together, we talked more about the shooting than anything. When we met apart, I talked usually talked about Callie. It was unavoidable; she permeated almost every thought I had. Callie and I never talked about our separate meetings with Carol; amidst the firestorm of the shooting, followed by our sudden affair, some thing were better left unsaid.

After our third day of this makeshift therapy, Callie was cleared for surgery. I never technically had to be cleared to scribe for her, I was just so entwined in her story that it felt like I had passed Carol's "test" too.

"It feels good, to be done. To have talked about everything and have it off our chest" I said to Callie. We were sitting in her office. She had just gotten done with her final meeting with Carol. We had gotten into the habit of waiting for one another after these sessions. The last two days, we had done nothing more platonic than hold one another while one of us or usually both of us, cried. Today, we felt lighter, better about what we had gone through, like we could really start healing.

"Yeah..I am glad it's over" She said leaning against her desk. It was Friday and we had the rest of the weekend off. On Monday, we would be back to our normal surgical routine.

"Any plans for the weekend?" I asked, not ready to leave her office. We hadn't spent a day apart since the day before the shooting.

"Well, I was going to fly to my parent's house for the weekend. They're worried about me and I rarely have more than a couple days off in a row. But, they had a last minute emergency. I'll go in a couple weeks…" She said.

"That sounds fun, Callie. Enjoy it" I paused, but couldn't help myself from asking, "Is Owen going with you? In a couple weeks, I mean?"

"No...I am sure he wont…he is busy here..." She said, unwilling to offer up any more details than that.

"Okay, well, have a good weekend. I will probably spend it watching Netflix" I said jokingly, my hand on the door handle. She grabbed my hand before I could open the door.

"Can you stay, just for a few more minutes?" She asked quietly.

"Of course" I said with a small smile.

She sat down in her chair and pulled me into her lap. For a moment, we just sat there, enjoying the embrace of one another. But then we made eye contact, and I saw fiery passion in her eyes. We hadn't done anything more than kiss in four days, and by the look on Callie's face, she had waited long enough. I shifted myself, straddling her. She let a small moan escape her lips and pulled my face to hers. She quickly moved to my neck, kissing the spot where the faint redness of the last hickey she gave me remained.

"Are you sure about this…in your office?" I asked. Callie didn't take her lips off of my neck.

"Do you have a better idea?" she said, her voice muffled against my neck. She moved to my earlobe and I gasped.

"No, actually I think this might be the best idea you have ever had" I said. She looked up at me with a full smile. She put her index finger to my lips.

"Good. Now stop talking" She said, pulling me in for a kiss. Callie began unbuttoning my shirt, letting my bra and breasts spill out of my shirt. She grabbed my breasts, kissing me more deeply.

"This isn't fair", I said, panting, "You have a dress on". I said, unable to expose her.

With that, she stood us up. She propped herself onto her desk, sitting with her legs slightly spread. She kicked her shoes off , took off her blazer and hiked up her skin tight dress. Callie looked me dead in the eye, lust burning within them.

"Make it fair" She commanded. _Holy shit,_ I thought, Could she get any sexier? I slowly walked towards her, removing the rest of my shirt as I approached her. Just as I entered her reach, I turned around.

"Could you get that?" I said seductively, pointing to my zipper. She pulled my zipper down slowly, and I stepped out of my skirt, revealing a black thong. With my back to her, she pulled me close to her, propping me slightly onto her desk. She ran her fingers up to my breasts, kissing my neck. I gripped her knees, knowing already that I was not going to last long. I felt her hands start to travel lower, first my stomach and hips, then resting her hands on my upper thighs. I spread my legs slightly, propping my legs on the chair in front of me, allowing her easy access. She pushed my panties to the side, running her fingers over my wet mound. She held still for a moment, allowing us both a moment to catch our breath. We were both breathing heavily, in sync. Just as I was about to ask her if she was okay, or if she wanted to stop, I felt her slide her middle finger inside of me. We both gasped. Again, she held still. I shifted myself slightly, letting her finger slip deeper inside of me.

"It's ok" I said, turning my head to the side. She met me with a kiss, squeezing my left breast with the hand not buried within me. I began rocking myself again her finger, encouraging her. She met me with thrusts, adding another finger inside of me. Callie felt so good inside of me, surrounding me, I felt my walls begin to tense. She removed her free hand from my breast and began rubbing my nub in circular, aggressive motions.

"Kiss me" She said. As my walls began quivering, I threw my head back against her shoulder. She kissed my lips and with one strong thrust into me, I came. While the orgasm washed over me, I felt Callie curl her fingers inside of me.

"Oh my god…Calliope" I moaned, letting the orgasm ride itself out. She removed her fingers from me and we just sat there, propped on her desk, sweaty and half naked.

"That was…amazing" I said, gasping for air. I felt her smile against my back, pulling me close. I resisted her, slipping off the desk.

"What are you doing?" Callie asked. I pulled her off the desk so we were both standing, facing each other. I grabbed the edges of her dress and pulled it up past her waist. I pushed her into her chair, a slow smile spreading across her face.

"I am not done with you yet" I said, hovering over her, planting a kiss on her full lips. I pulled her to the edge of her chair and knelt down. I made my way up the inside of her legs, kissing every inch of her inner thighs. When I reached her center, I planted a light kiss on her throbbing nub. She moaned, pulling my head closer to her. I grabbed her panties, essentially ripping them off of her.

"Sorry" I whispered, looking up at her, showing her the tear in her purple, lacy panties.

"Mhhm" Callie moaned, clearly not concerned. I smiled, wrapping my arms around her ass, pulling her left leg over my shoulder. I licked her entire mound, tasting her wetness. I lightly nibbled her clit, causing Callie to squeeze my head between her legs.

"Careful" I teased, blowing a light air over her. Her head was thrown back, running her fingers through my hair.

"I need you inside of me. Arizona, please" She moaned. I began suckling her nub, and slowly entered two fingers into her. Pumping painfully slow, I made a circular motion with my tongue around her nub.

"More" Callie groaned. I entered a third finger into her, accelerating my rate. I suckled her clit more aggressively, feeling her walls contract around my fingers. She met my fingers with quick thrusts. I replaced my tongue with my available thumb, increasing the contact against her nub.

"Cum for me, Calliope" I whispered, pumping deeper inside of her. She came slowly, her body trembling against my hands. When she relaxed, looking exhausted, I pulled her dress down and climbed into her lap.

"Maybe we could just hang out here all weekend? Order pizza every day?" I joked, though halfway seriously. She smiled, kissing my cheek.

"I wish we could" she said quietly. We sat in silence for a few moments, Callie gently scratching my back. Again, the urge to spill my emotions to her overcame me. Sitting there with Callie, in her arms, was nirvana to me. I wasn't one to believe in fate or god or any of that, but I felt like we were meant to be right where we were then. The only thing stronger that my love for her in that moment was the fear that if I ever said what I wanted to say to her, that she would slip right through my finger tips.


	13. Chapter 13

When I had gotten back to my apartment shortly after saying goodbye to Callie for the weekend, I could feel my heart physically aching. I had never truly missed someone in the way that I miss Callie right now. Sure I had say "I miss you" plenty of times, to my mom, or even my deployed brother. But never had I meant it like I feel it now. It's pathetic really, I knew I would see her in three days, yet even that amount of time felt like too much.

"Cheer up cranky pants!" Teddy said to me as I scrounged through the refrigerator, looking for the easier meal, "You have the next two days completely off of work!"

I shot her a look, "I am NOT cranky!" I said defensively.

"Teddy, a full weekend off of work means a full weekend away from her lady boss lover" Henry shouted from Teddy's bedroom.

"Fuck you guys" I mumbled under my breath.

"Hey, relax. We are just teasing you. Do you want to come out to dinner with us? We might see a movie after..." She said nudging me with a smile on her face. She knew I loved seeing a movie in theaters. But tonight, I just wasn't in the mood. For some reason, I wanted to stay in the crabby funk I was in and just go to sleep.

"No thanks. You two deserve a date night without me tagging along." I said.

"Suit yourself. Henry, lets go! I am hungry and don't want to miss the 8 o clock movie" She said, halfway out the door. He ran out of her room, through the kitchen and to the door. He grabbed her ass, causing Teddy to squeal.

"See ya, Zona!" Henry yelled as the closed the door. I sighed. They were too cute together. I felt my heart ache once again; realizing Callie and I would probably never have a real relationship. Hell, we probably wouldn't have a relationship, period. Giving up on dinner, I grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and plopped onto the couch. I closed my eyes, letting myself daydream about my orgasm with Callie earlier that day. The way she grabbed my breasts, how she clenched my head between her legs in pleasure while I was deep inside of her. It made me wet just thinking about it. Somewhere between my memories and fantasies, I let myself drift off into sleep, where my dreams belonged entirely to Callie.

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The weekend came and went and before I knew it, Monday morning was here. We met in her office at 5:30AM, her first surgery began at 6:00AM. I noticed that her schedule was pretty light this week, consisting mostly of simple joint replacements and fracture displacement surgeries. Maybe she scheduled it as such, but I doubt it. As long as I have known Callie, she has never done anything less than 100%...

"Good morning, Dr. Torres" I said as she walked into her office right behind me.

"Hi, Arizona." She said with a small smile, sitting down at her computer. She began typing away, looking at her schedule, sending out quick, time sensitive emails.

"Light schedule this week?" I commented.

"Yeah. Owen's orders." She said slightly annoyed.

"I'm sure he is trying to help ease the transition…" I said.

"Mhmm" She replied with her sassiest voice. I smiled, loving her attitude. It was _so_ good to be back.

"Walk with me" She ordered, "I want to scrub in and get settled before the first surgery". I nodded, following her in step.

We changed into our scrubs quickly, approaching the sink to scrub. We still had twenty minutes before our first surgery, giving us way more than enough time to prepare the OR as she wanted it. She seemed slightly anxious today, which was totally atypical of the normally cool, calm and collected Callie Torres.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. She looked back at me, and I could see the fear in her wide eyes.

Her hands began to tremble, her voice quivering, "I don't know..if I can do this" She said.

"Come here" I said, pulling her into the on call room across the hall. I locked the door and flipped on the lights.

"Callie, what's wrong?" I asked, sitting next to her on the bed.

"I'm scared. I have never been afraid to operate before. Ever. But today…all I can think about is messing up. But not even that, the consequences of messing up….I don't want anyone else to die, because of me" She said frantically, her eyes forming tears. I rubbed her back softly.

"First of all, you are not going to mess up. You are the most brilliant, talented surgeon I know. I know that doesn't mean much to you because I am just a scribe, but even I can tell talent in the OR when I see it. Secondly, no one is going to hurt you. Do you hear me? No one. I am with you. And I will always protect you." I said, grabbing her hand. She took a deep breath and her breathing began to slow. The trembling stopped and she put her head on my shoulder.

"You are going to do amazing things today, Calliope. Because you are amazing." She lifted her head off of my shoulder and looked into me with her dark, brown eyes.

"Thank you" She said quietly. I squeezed her hand softly, providing her the last bit of reassurance that she needed.

The rest of our day went smoothly. She sailed through her surgeries without even the slightest complication. With each surgery, her confidence soared, her energy gaining momentum. I recognized again the Callie Torres I had met my very first day, the strong, fierce, talented surgeon who slows down for no one. The Callie Torres I fell in love with.


	14. Chapter 14

Oops! looks like this chapter was originally posted incorrectly. It should be ok now :) Thanks for letting me know

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We quickly fell back into our original routine. I met her early in the mornings with her iced chai. We were usually in surgery all morning. We ate lunch together, sometimes in the cafeteria, sometimes in the physicians lounge, sometimes I brought her lunch and we ate in her office. But we always ate together. The afternoons were typically filled with more surgeries and occasionally an ER orthopedics consult. We didn't leave the hospital until at least 5:00PM, usually closer to 7:00PM. As stupid as it was, I felt better knowing we spent over half of our days together versus less than. Though I longed to sleep next to her again, to wake up by her side. I missed it, even if it only happened once.

Callie was on call the first weekend she was back, meaning I was on call the first weekend we were back. Usually being on call meant we were busier than we were on a typical day. She performed the emergency surgeries and saw every unscheduled consult that the ER believed to be necessary. But this weekend, things were slow. I thought it was likely because of the shooting, people were probably going to avoid our ER for a while. Callie used a lot of this valuable time doing research. I spent my time at her side, watching her do her work, allowing her to teach me when she felt like doing so. Amidst all of Callie's other qualities, I often forget how incredibly smart she is. Not just smart, but innovative. She is always coming up with new ideas and ways to take care of her patients. Watching her work and think, is inspiring. Also a huge turn on.

"So that's how this cartilage regeneration project works! Isn't that amazing?" She said with pure bliss on her face.

"You're amazing" I said. Her full-blown smile turned to a sexy smirk. Satisfied, she turned her microscope off and shut down her computer. Honestly, I didn't understand half of what she said, nor did I want to. But watching her get so excited about something was cute.

"Last year, I was asked to teach a couple courses at the University of Washington Medical School. I said no, because I am kind of terrified of public speaking. But after teaching you about all of this, I think I could really like it." She said.

"You would be great at anything, Callie. You would probably have to cut back on surgery if you wanted to continue your research AND start teaching part time" I added.

"True. Something to consider I guess". She said. "What made you want to go into medicine anyway?" She asked me.

"A lot of things, really. I always really liked science and hands-on learning. I like talking to people, so I started on the pre-med track thinking it would be a good fit. Then when my brother deployed to Iraq my sophomore year of college and told me all the stories of how valuable medical professionals were in the field… I don't know I guess that was enough motivation for me to pursue it." I said.

"I didn't know your brother was overseas." Callie said, surprised.

"He still is actually, but he gets home in a month. I can't wait. We are really close. I worry about him, a lot."

"I know how that feels" She said, putting her hand on my knee. I gave her a soft smile.

"Owen only got back a year ago, right? He seems to have adjusted back to life here fairly well," I said. She gave me a small grimace, removing her hand from my knee.

"He copes…in his own way" She said. Clearly, I stepped into the realm of conversation Callie had wanted to avoid with me. Vague responses, redirections, were the name of the game whenever Owen was brought up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a touchy subject. It's just...Having a loved one in the military is something I can't talk about with most people. Because unless it's you, you don't get it, you know?" I said. She nodded, avoiding my gaze for a few moments. I pulled my stool closer to her, resting my hands on her knees.

"Talk to me, Calliope" I said softly. She turned her gaze to me, looking deep into my eyes. Her chocolate brown orbs absolved me of any desire to push her to talk about Owen. She then quickly stood up, locking the research lab door and shutting off the lights. I stood up, meeting her in the middle of the lab, face to face. She kissed me softly, the way she always does when she wants to keep me wanting more.

"Right now, I'm less in the mood more talking, and more in the mood for this" She said, cupping my sex over my scrubs. I gasped, already a puddle beneath her touch. She nudge me backwards, our lips never breaking contact. When my knees were against the edge of the furthest table in the lab, she pushed all of the papers off the table with one big swoop of her arm. We both smiled, our teeth almost hitting one another. She lifted me onto the table and I laid back slightly, resting myself on my elbows. Callie pulled my scrub bottoms off slowly, squeezing my ass as she did so.

"First your office, now the research lab? This is getting inappropriate" I said mischievously, raising my eyebrows at her.

"Mhmm let's be inappropriate more often" She said, pulling my panties aside.

She gave me one final kiss on the lips, then grabbed a stool and sat between my legs. Throwing my legs over her shoulders, she ran her tongue from my nub to my opening. I shuddered in pleasure, letting my head fall back. She started suckling on my clitoris, occasionally making small circles with her tongue over my most sensitive areas.

"Ohhhh Callie." I moaned. For a first timer, she was an absolute pro. Her long, black hair was tickling my inner thighs and lower stomach, adding to the overwhelming sensations already occurring. She wrapped her hands around my hips, pulling me closer to her face. I felt her tongue begin to probe inside of me. Flicking her tongue inside of me, her hands massaging my outer thighs, I felt myself begin to lose it.

"I'm so close, Callie. Don't stop". I gasped, my sharp breaths mumbling my words. With that, she removed her tongue and entered two digits into me, quickly, almost painfully. She relocated her tongue to my nub and began flicking it quickly. My legs began shaking and suddenly, the orgasm washed over me. I trembled from my head to my toes. Callie curled her fingers inside of me, hitting my G-stop. I moaned, letting the orgasms ride itself out as long as possible. When it was over, let myself fall flat onto the table. Callie stood up, hovering over me. She kissed my lips, and I could still taste myself on her. I pulled her on top of me, making her squeal in laughter.

"That was…too good" I said to her. She smiled and kissed me again. While she hovered over me, I put my hands down her scrubs, my fingers entering her aggressively. She gasped with the sudden contact, but didn't pull away.

"I think it's your turn" I whispered seductively. Just as she started to remove her pants, my fingers still inside of her, her pager buzzed.

"Damn it!" She yelled. I curled my fingers inside of her.

"You're literally killing me, Arizona" She said, her pager continued to beep.

"This isn't over" I said kissing her cheek and removing my fingers from her.

She rolled off of me, running to her pager. I stood up and cracked my back. Hard lab tables, though provided spontaneity, were not the comfortable choice for sexual endeavors.

"We have to go. MVA that's 6 minutes out. Multiple victims with many bony deformities noted by EMS." She said with a sigh.

"We better get moving then!" I said, walking towards the door. She grabbed my wrist before I could put my hand on the door handle. I looked at her questioningly and before I could say anything, she had her hand down my pants and began rubbing my nub.

"Ahh..Callie" I moaned resting my arms on her shoulders, trying to spread my legs slightly for easier access. Not a moment later, she removed her hand from my pants, moved to the sink and began washing her hands.

"What the hell was that?" I asked, my clit still throbbing from the brief tease it had just received.

"Well, we are probably going to be busy for a while now. And I need to know that you're going to be as sexually frustrated as me the entire time." She said, drying her hands with a paper towel.

"I can't believe you" I said. She kissed my cheek in apology.

"Let's go save some lives" She said with a smile.

"After you, my evil genius"


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of the weekend was unfortunately, busy. We saw four orthopedic injuries in the next hour alone, and they never stopped coming for the remainder of our time on call. I think Callie and I were both happy to be back to our less chaotic, scheduled routine when Monday came. Not only did we get more sleep, but we at least had our planned time to be just us together, whether that was at lunch or in between surgeries.

Despite our closeness, she continued to shut me out. We talked about everything from the weather, to her childhood, to my rebellious teenage years. She even asked me about my brother again, allowing me to indulge in stories about us eating worms as kids and throwing our first high school party when our parents were in Costa Rica. But two topics were apparently off limits: her relationship with Owen, and her relationship with me. As much as I subtly asked, she would not disclose any information about Owen, or her marriage. The only thing she would say that even gave me the slightest clue to why they were still married, was her desire to have a child. She wanted to have a baby so badly that it hurt to watch sometimes. I wished over and over that I could give Callie everything, but a child was one thing I would never be able to give her.

She never, ever addressed the fact that we were something, anything at all. She never told me how she felt about me. She never told me how she felt about Owen. So here I was, forced to piece together subtle tones of phone conversations and sporadic interactions between the two of them. Furthermore, I held on to the little things, mild expressions that she made, minuscule hints she would drop. Like the way she looked at me in the middle of surgery and I just knew, she was thinking about the sex we had just had at lunch. Or the small, sheepish smile she gave me when I started talking about something I felt really strongly about. Even the way she held onto me, just moments too long, after we made love. These little things made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't the only one head over heels in love here. Maybe, there was a chance that we could really figure all of this out, instead of shoving thing under the rug like we had been for so long now.

Anyway, the rest of the week went by uneventfully. We worked, we ate, we hooked up in inappropriate places. And I loved it. I feel lucky every second I spend with her. When Friday came once again, I was dreading it. We had again spent so many consecutive days together; a weekend apart seemed like too much.

"Are you doing anything fun on you weekend off?" I asked coyly at the end of our surgical day.

"I am going to Miami, remember I told you about that a couple weeks ago?" She said. My heart already began to ache with her impending absence. Man, I thought, I am pathetically whipped.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Is Owen going with you?" I couldn't help but ask.

"No...he has things to do here..." She said vaguely.

Of course, I thought. I couldn't help but feel mildly relieved, though. I hated the thought of them vacationing together, doing anything together, really.

"I'll miss you" She said sweetly. Despite her reluctance to talk about Owen with me, she always sensed when that fact irritated me. And all it took was a cute gesture, or in this case, some nice words to make me forget about it completely.

"Do you have a couple minutes before you have to go?" I asked seductively, locking her office door.

"Mhhmm, yes. But it will have to be quick and dirty" She said quietly, taking my shirt off.

"Of course. Very, very dirty". Smiling, she pulled me in for a kiss and began unzipping my pants. Just as I had started pulling her skirt up and setting her onto her desk, there was a knock at the door.

"Callie? Are you in there?" Owen yelled, knocking on the door.

"Shit" Callie whispered, "Coming!" Thank god I locked the door, realizing at this point I was only wearing a bra and thong. Callie cracked the door open while I hid under her desk, my shirt and skirt loosely covering me.

"Hey Owen. Need something?" Callie said.

"Just wondering if you were heading home soon? I thought we could grab dinner or something. I haven't really seen you in a couple days" Owen said.

"Well, whose fault is that?" Callie said with bitterness in her voice.

"Come on Callie. You know work has been insane with the shooting. I have done almost a dozen operations in the last three days alone!" Owen said.

"You sure that is all you are busy with?" Callie said.

"Don't bring this up now. Please, I just want to spend time with my wife…" Owen said desperately.

"I'm flying to Miami tonight. My parents are worried. They haven't seen me in ages. I have to go." She said.

"I'll fly out tomorrow afternoon. I'll meet you there. Then we can have almost two full days together. That works, doesn't it?" He pleaded. I felt anger bubbling within me.

"Yeah. Yeah that's fine." She said.

"Great! We could use the time to talk..,we haven't for so long. I miss you, Callie" He said. I imagine that he was reaching for her hand, or touching her face. The thought further infuriated me.

"I will see you then okay? Call me tomorrow when you are flying out" She said.

"Will do" he said. I heard a "smooching" sound. They had just kissed, on the lips. While I was here, pitifully hiding under a desk. I felt ill.

Callie shut the door when he left. She crossed her arms and leaned back, resting her head against the door. She rubbed her temple. I crawled out from underneath her desk, suddenly completely aware of my half nudity. Reality, for the first time in the last couple weeks, had slapped me across the face. How long did I expect to carry on with the ridiculousness: the secret sex and me, convincing myself that it means something, anything to her. I felt my face begin to flush with anger.

"I better go" I said, zipping up my pants and tumbling with my shirt.

"Arizona..." She sighed, not even she knew what to say.

"No no, I get it. He's your husband and I am just your scribe slash sex toy. No need to apologize to the sex toy. I will just see myself out". I said, my anger gnawing vigorously in the pit of my stomach.

"It's not like that Arizona and you know it"

"It isn't? Are you sure? Because last I checked, I haven't been told anything different."

"What do you want me to say?" She asked desperately.

"I want you to say that you care! I want you to give me something, anything! Anything that will make me feel like I am not just someone fun to sleep with" I yelled. She lowered her gaze, avoiding my eye contact.

"Can you really not give me that?" I pleaded.

"I can't give you anything, Arizona. I thought you knew that" She said quietly. I felt tears well in my eyes. Feeling completely humiliated, I finished putting on my shirt and grabbed my bag. She stepped aside, letting me walk past her and out the door.


	16. Chapter 16

Hi readers! Thanks again for your reviews and comments. I appreciate every single one of them.

A few of you have asked if anyone Arizona will ever get more from Callie than what she is getting right now. Well, I can't spoil the story for you, but this will be addressed further in the next 3 or so chapters. There is so much more to this story; we are just getting started.

Owen is also on many of your minds. Remember, Arizona has NO idea what is going on with Owen, because Callie in part refuses to tell her about that part of her life. There is reason for it and again, it will be addressed in upcoming chapters. In the end, this will all come full circle, trust me :)

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I sobbed the entire drive back to my apartment. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my entire body was convulsing with tears so profuse I thought I was going to shrivel up. I didn't want to do anything but crawl into bed and lie there. Truthfully, I wasn't even mad at Callie. This situation was my mistake, my idiocracy. I had known what I was getting myself into and chose to ignore it. Now, I just missed her.

"What the hell happened?" Teddy asked me as I walked into our apartment door.

" I don't want to talk about it. I am going to bed," I said, sulking my way to the door. My head was pounding from all the crying. I needed my bed.

"Oh no you're not. Aren't you forgetting something?" She asked enthusiastically. I shrugged my shoulders and her face fell.

"It's my birthday you dink. Get dressed, we are going to Joe's and getting wasted." She said, patting my back. Fuck, I thought. This was the absolute last thing on my list of things to do right now. But, Teddy would never forgive me if I bailed, especially on her birthday. She had a thing for birthdays. God, this day just kept getting worse and worse.

"Fuck it," I mumbled quietly to myself, pouring a large glass of white wine. I threw back half of the glass as Teddy emerged from her bathroom.

"That's the spirit! Now come on, get dressed, do your make up and finish that bottle of wine. I told a bunch of our friends to meet us at Joe's. Wanna know who keeps asking about you AND promised to meet us out tonight?" She said proudly. I groaned.

"Alex Karev. The second year surgical resident! He is friends with Dr. Grey apparently and he asked her to ask me if he knew you. He thinks you're hot!"

"You do realize that I am into women, right?" I asked, taking another massive drink of my wine.

"Details Arizona, details. You have dated guys in the past! You have hooked up with guys tons of times. This Dr. Karev...I think he is worth considering" She said, slipping into her new dress.

"I am not considering anyone or anything tonight other than this bottle of wine and maybe a bottle of tequila." I said glumly. She took a seat at the bar stool next to me. Oh god, here comes the lecture.

"Look, Arizona. I know that you have...feelings for Dr. Torres. But you need to start really thinking about what you are getting yourself into. She is obviously jaw droppingly beautiful and brilliant, but she is, to say the least, UNAVAILABLE. She is MARRIED. Dr. Torres will never been there for your white coat ceremony, or your family dinners, or a night out with the rest of your friends. Hell, she can't even give you a date night at the movies. Because she is a surgeon, who is married to a man, who happens to be the chief of surgery. Yeah, she might sleep with you on rare occasional. But you deserve so much better than that. Soo much better"

I felt the hot tears rolling down my face. I wanted to lose it again. I wanted to confess to Teddy how little regard I had for what I deserved in that moment. How I knew it was wrong, but that the only thing I really wanted, all I have ever wanted in these last few months, was more time with Callie. I wanted Callie, for better or worse, for as much or as little as she could give me. And despite my anger about how little she had to offer me, I was willing to take it now. Because I loved her too much now to let her go. But these thoughts were better left unsaid. Tonight was Teddy's night. She deserved this night.

"Thanks Teds. What do you say we take some tequila shots?" I said with a forced smile on my face. She gave me a huge hug and playfully kissed me on the cheek.

"I knew you would come around! Let's get this party started!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The beginning of the night was a blur. Teddy and I finished that bottle of white wine before Henry picked us up from Joe's. And we took three tequila shots, each. When we got to Joe's, things were already a little fuzzy for me. Given it was a Friday night, it was a full house. About 10-15 of our friends had shown up, including April, Jackson, Leah and Stephanie. I immediately saw Alex Karev there, staring creepily in my direction. He was sitting at the bar next to Dr. Grey and Dr. Yang, both surgeons at Seattle Grace. They seemed to be having a good time. I remember ordering another drink, a gin and tonic, but not paying for it.

"Alex bought you that drink!" I remember Teddy screaming at me over the loud music. By that point, thoughts were fleeting. I likely didn't think anything of a cute surgical resident buying me a drink, despite his ever present staring and winking in my direction

Shortly after I had sucked down that drink, memeories of the night became very, very blurry. I remember dancing, swaying probably, to the crappy top 40s pop music they were playing. Sometime during this, Leah tried talking to me, possibly flirting with me? I have no idea what I said to her, but I remember her putting yet another drink in my hand. This time, a long island iced tea. About midway through this drink, my memory became extremely spotty. I have images of dancing, someone grinding behind on me. Alex Karev? maybe. Another patchy image of lying in a booth, someone on top of me, then suddenly, thrown off of me. A final image of a scuffle, yelling, creaming and a flash of a tall, black haired woman. Callie? Is that you?

Darkness.


	17. Chapter 17

Waking up the following morning was painful. My head was throbbing. I felt like I was going to throw up and the smells coming out of my pores were making me drunk all over again. What the hell happened last night? Oh my god...I am not in my bed. I pulled the covers down below my face. Shit, I am definitely not in my room. I have no idea where I am. Shit shit shit. This is not good. Am I in a hotel? Am I about to enter a sex trafficking ring? I sat up slightly, looking around, trying to figure out where I was. Torres Suites? These hotels were like two grand a NIGHT. There is no way a sex trafficker would pay for this. Did I pay for this? FUCK.

"Good morning, Arizona" Callie said, entering the bedroom with a cup of coffee in hand. She had a short white robe on. Clearly, she had just showered, her hair was glistening with wetness. I hated that I was supposed to be mad at her, yet all I could think about was how sexy she looked. Oh god, I need to lie down. I feel so ill. I propped myself up slihgtly against the pillow, just enough to peak over the covers and have the ability to see her.

"What is...How did I...Did we..?"

"Should I start from the beginning? This is a long story so I would prefer to just say it all at once rather than answering random questions that won't make any sense without the entire story" She said, sitting down in the love seat in the corner of the bedroom. She draped one leg over the other and clutched her coffee in both hands. I knew she wasn't trying to be seductive, but damn it, she was distracting my hangover brain with hers sexiness.

"Well, I was at Joe's" I said, trying to halfway pretend like I hadn't completely blacked out. She laughed out loud.

"Yes you were! And everyone knew it" She said laughing.

"What does that mean?"

"You were kind of the dancing queen last night, Arizona. You were on the stools, the tables, anything that elevated you really"

"Oh my god" I said, mortified.

"You were...twerking. If you could call it that"

"No I wasn't"

"Yes, yes you were"

"Please, I can't hear any more" I said, covering my ears.

"Oh, I am just getting started" She said, laughing.

"Okay, skip the embarrassing bar details for now. I was obviously bombed out of my mind. When did you get to Joe's? And why aren't you in Miami?"

"I got to Joe's around 9. My flight was cancelled, there is a typhoon hitting the Miami area, so there aren't any flights in and out of their airport for a couple days. I was kind of bummed, so I thought I would kick back at Joe's for a few hours. Anyway, you were on the dance floor at that point so I don't think you saw me. I watched you for quite some time. You were having so much fun, waving your hands in the air and shaking your cute little ass. I felt...better. Like I hadn't broken your heart earlier in the day. But I also felt kind of sad that you were able to go on so easily without me. I guess I was getting my fill of you, watching you as an outsider" She confessed. I sat up a little straighter, staring intently at her. I wanted her to say more, but by the look on her face, she felt as though she had already told me too much.

"After about an hour or so, Alex Karev started making moves on you. I thought about leaving; I didn't really want to see any part of you with someone else. But I stayed. I wanted to make sure you were okay, even if you were going home with...someone else."

"I would never sleep with Alex Karev" I interrupted.

"Well, I didn't know that at the time. Anyway, he was getting pretty handsy with you on the dance floor. You weren't resisting him per say, but you also didn't appear to know what was going on. So I kept watching you, but for a few minutes, I took my eyes off of you. Addison, er...Dr. Montgomery, stopped by and said hi before she ws leaving for the night. By the time she had left, I had lost you. So I started wandering around the bar, just to make sure you were passed out somewhere or something. I found you essentially passed out in a booth, with Alex Karev making out with you all but dead corpse with his hands underneath your shirt" This description, unfortunately, jogged my memory. I remember feeling his grimy hands touching me, his stale breath on my lips, unable to stop his advances.

"So that was you. I remember someone getting him off me..."

"Yes. I grabbed the back of his shirt and threw him to the floor." She said matter of factly. I laughed.

"You didn't"

"I absolutely did. I told him if I ever saw him touch any woman like that again, I would have him kicked out of the Seattle Grace surgical residency and blacklisted from every hospital in the country. I also told him that if I ever saw him so much as lay a finger on you again, I would kill him myself." I felt myself glowing, her protectiveness of me was something I had never paid witness to before.

"I appreciate that, but you really should have left me in that booth"

"I was not about to do that. You were so drunk, Arizona. You couldn't walk. You couldn't really talk at that point either. So I picked you up, threw you over my shoulder, put you in a cab, and brought you here."

"Why here? Of all places?"

"Well, you couldn't tell me where you lived. Neither would Teddy. Whenever I tried to ask her anything, she just gave me a drunken glare. It was actually kind of funny, but she was not being helpful. I couldn't bring you back to my place for...obvious resons. So I brought you here. I told Owen that I was covering call for another attending. It all worked out quite nicely, actually. This is kind of my get away suite when I need it."

"Torres Suites is the most expensive hotel in Seattle! How can you afford this place more than once or twice a year?" I asked.

"I get a discount" Callie said without expression. I looked at her, puzzled.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"TORRES suites, Arizona. My last name...Also my father's last name...who happens to be..."

"THE Carlos Torres? Oh my god, Calliope. I didn't know you were wealthy!" I exclaimed. All of this excitment was making me even woozier. I sunk further into the bed, trying to calm my queasy stomach.

"Yes, yes who cares, that's another story for another time. Anyway, I brought you back here. If it hadn't have been me carrying you in the door, I think the hotel staff would have called the police. It looked like I was carrying a dead body around. Fortunately, you started to come back to life a little bit when we got back to the room" She said.

"Oh no" I said, discovering the crusted vomit in my hair.

"Oh yes. All over the living room floor" She said regretfully.

"No" I repeated, burying my head in my hands.

"Yes. Again, thank god my favorite maid was on staff last night. I slipped her a benjamin and she cleaned the mess without another word while I washed you off." I sunk further into my hands.

"You didn't" I said, completely and utterly embarrassed.

"I did. I had to! I put you in the shower and washed you off. Apparently I missed a spot" She said, referencing my hair.

"Of course, the one time I can get you back in the shower, I am unconscious" Callie blushed.

"I am so embarrassed, Callie. I am so sorry. I will leave here and never come back or bother you again" I said, trying to get out of bed. An intense wave of nausea hit me as I sat up and Callie knew it. Defeated, I laid back down against these likely hundred dollar pillows.

"I am not done, Arizona. In fact, I am just getting to the good part."

"It can't get any worse. Lay it on me" She smiled, shifiting in the love seat, sipping her coffee.

"After I had you washed off, I put you on the pull out couch in the living room. I tried to give you a robe, but you wouldn't wear it. Your clothes were soiled, so I was kind of forced to put in you in bed naked. You kept saying..."

"I have to sleep naked"

"Yes! You kept saying that. It makes no sense. Anyway, I let you be. I thought you were asleep, so I climbed into the bed and shut off the lights. Within five minutes, I heard you get up. Do you remember this part?" She asked.

"I wish I did, I feel like we are reaching the climax of my own personal horror story and I really hate surprises." I said. She gave me a small, worried smile.

"Just tell me" I said.

"You got up, took off my covers and laid on top of me" She said quietly. Damn it, I thought, first I forget the shower, now this? I am never drinking again if this is going to be the consequences of my actions.

"And...we had sex?" I asked. She made a distgusted face.

"Arizona, no. Absolutely not. I wouldn't take advantage of you like that" She said sternly.

"It would hardly be taking advantage" I mumbled.

"It would be to me" she said. I looked to her, still confused.

"So what did I do? I just laid there? On top of you, naked?" I asked. Her gaze dropped and she suddenly became fixated on the rim of her coffee cup. She took her final sip of coffe, then met her eyes with mine.

"You laid on top of me naked, and said you were in love with me" She said, not breaking her eye contact. I felt the color run out of my face, adrenaline coursing through me. I cleared my throat.

"And what did you say?" I managed to spit out. Callie set her mug down, stood up, and walked over to the bed. She laid down on the mattress next to me and took my hand in hers.

"You passed out again before I could really say anything" She said quietly. Curiosity overcame me, my follow up question falling off my lips before I could filter my next thought.

"What would you have said?" I asked. She sighed, and stroked my cheek with her thumb. I thought for a moment that she might not say anything, that she might just keep looking at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes. Then, the slightly smile appeared on her face.

"Arizona, meeting you...was like coming up for fresh air. It was like I was drowning, and you saved me. That's all I know" Those words hung between us for a moment and I pulled myself into her. I curled my chin into her chest while her chin rested on the top of my head. After a moment, I looked up at her.

"I meant what I said" I whispered, lowering my gaze.

"I know" She said quietly, kissing my forehead.

"Don't kiss me. I smell like booze and my breath tastes like raw vomit" I said. Laughing, she rolled away from me. She slowly pulled down the covers, exposing my nude body. I didn't stop her, not when her sexy robe also fell to the wayside.

"How about I do the kissing for the next couple minutes?"


	18. Chapter 18

Over the next few hours, Callie and I laid in that luxurious bed together. Callie made love to me, hitting spots within me I never knew I had, which caused me to make noises I have never heard escape my lips before. Then, we just held each other and slept, something I had been waiting for since the night of the shooting. We slept easily and peacefully together; we had obviously been up late the night before. Around 1 or so that afternoon, we showered, together. Callie ordered room service and we ate, together. For those few hours, I almost felt like a normal couple. Almost.

I had had boyfriends in the past, nothing that lasted more than a month or two. Now, I understood why. In those 'relationships', everything felt so...forced. Like we were going through the motions we thought we were supposed to be going through-hugs when greeting one another, dinner dates that led to conversations about the most surface level topics of conversation and the worst, the kiss goodbye at the end of the date. It was all so phony, those 'relationships'. But with Callie, everything was so...real. We were so comfortable with one another, it felt like she had been a part of me forever. One minute we could be intensely talking about religion, art or literature and the next I was tackling her because she sprayed whipped cream down my shorts. This thing between us, wasn't a relationship. I refuse to limit us to that constraining, often binding word. Callie and I, we had _joy._

"Owen just called" Callie said, reentering the bedroom. We had just finished eating lunch. I had suggested we jump in the jacuzzi and had just been sitting on the bed, waiting for her to call room service to send up more towels.

"Please don't tell me we have to go" I pleaded, giving her my saddest puppy dog eyes. I was just starting to feel better after my epic hangover and really wanted to have my way with her in the jacuzzi tub.

"I told him I was catching up on a bit of research and that I would be home by 5:00. We have a few hours, but I want to show you something at the hospital" Callie said, stepping out of her bathrobe and into last night's outfit. She took my breath away always, but especially when she was half naked. I gawk, stare and am completely shameless when she is only in her underwear. There are times, like this, when my mouth is hanging open so far that I can't even form words.

"As flattered that I am that I can still distract you with my nudity, I need an answer here" Callie said with her hands on her hips.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here and hop in that jacuzzi? I will do that thing you like..." I say seductively. She chuckles at my attempt at being sexy and she takes my hands and pulls me off the bed.

"Trust me, there is nothing I want to do more right now than fuck you up and down this hotel room. But, this is important." She said, kissing my cheek. I sighed, knowing I had to say goodbye to this gorgeous hotel room.

"Well then, we better get going."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"So, where did you say we were going?" I asked Callie as we went down yet another flight of stairs at Seattle Grace.

"I didn't, but we are almost there." She said, squeezing my hand. As soon as we reached the stairwell, out of sight from the vast majority of the hospital staff, Callie had taken my hand and wove her fingers into mine. After three flights of basement stairs, we finally stopped in front of a room labeled "storage".

"This?" I asked, gesturing to the room. She nodded and opened the door to the room. Inside the room was exactly what one would expect to find in a storage closet. Shelves of random medical equipment, including gloves, surgical masks, gauze, etc, littered the space. But Callie pulled me beyond this area to the back of the storage room. Behind the vast shelving was a decent sized space that contained a mattress with full bed clothing and a couple wooden shelves that held books, a keurig, candles, a few pairs of scrubs and other random items that were uniquely Calliope. I also noticed a sink and mirror to the left side of the room.

"Is this your little bungalow, Calliope?" I asked smiling, confused why the daughter of a multi-million dollar empire would create a living space in a glorified storage closet.

"It is. When I first moved here for residency, Owen and I hadn't moved in together yet. I wanted to save living together for our marriage. So, I lived here for three months before the wedding. It was awesome. I was the first to every incoming trauma, the first to round on the morning patients and I heard every code in the hospital. After Owen and I got married, I would still come down here, to get away. Even if it was just for an hour or two. As unconventional as this space is on the outside, I love it. I feel like I can be myself in this place. I can dance in my underwear in this space. I can eat pizza in the nude in this space. I can think about what my marriage is instead of what it is supposed to be in this space." She said, exhausted by the reality of her last sentence.

"I don't understand...what does this have to do with me?" I asked.

"I guess I always thought this...santuctuary of sorts, was for me. But ever since I have met you, I have come to realize this space was meant for us. You, like this place, are my escape" She paused briefly and pulled me down onto the mattress

"Arizona, you are...amazing. You deserve everything. I wish I could give you everything. But right now, this is all I can offer you. This piece of me." I looked to Callie, still not letting go of her hand. She had tears glistening in her eyes. I pulled her close to me, cradling her head in my hands, kissing her temple.

"I know this isn't enough. But this space, can be ours."

"This is everything, Callie. Thank you" I said, kissing her deeply. She pulled me into her, holding me close.

"Owen doesn't know about this place?" I asked quietly, slightly ashamed by my jealousy.

"Only you" She said with a sad smile. I locked eyes with her again, resting both of my hands on her face.

"Do you love me, Calliope?" I asked. She kissed me again, deeply, her tongue grazing my teeth. I pulled away, demanding an answer. She lifted hers to meet mine.

"More than my heart can hold" She replied, her voice cracking. I pulled her into me again, agressively biting her lower lip. I felt her hands travel to my lower back, pulling our pelvises together.

"Make love to me, Callie" I whispered into her left ear.

She pushed me onto the bed and crawled on top of me. She kissed me long and hard, forcing her tongue into my mouth, her tongue dancing with mine. I pulled her hips up higher, lifting her shirt and bra up so her breasts were aligned with my face. I took her left nipple into my mouth, suckling on it slowly. Callie moaned and began grinding her pelvis lightly against my stomach, obviously aching for contact.

"Slow downnn" I moaned, desperately wanting to make this last. I sat up, Callie still strattling me. I lifted her dress and bra over her head. She did the same to me, kissing my neck as she did so. I rolled her over, so she was flat on her back and I was hovering over her. I could see the lust in her eyes, laying there in her sexy black thong. I swung myself off the bed and stood beside her.

"Don't tease me" She said with slight annoyance in her voice. I smiled and began slowly unzipping my jeans, then, slipping out of my underwear. I stood before her, completely nude. Reaching for me, I took Callie's hand and she pulled me on top of her, slipping a thigh between my legs. I let a small moan escape my lips, thrusting slowly against her smooth, perfectly tanned leg. She grabbed my ass and pulled me towards her so our pelvises were in line. I put my hands behind me, bracing myself against the mattress, and moved myself slowly towards her in attempt to gyrate against her. With every contact, Callie grabbed my thighs harder.

"Arizona, don't stop. Pleaseee" She moaned. I could feel her wetness between us. Knowing she was close, I back off again, rolling onto my side.

"Ugh Arizona, what the hell" I whined. I kissed her softly on the lips, then reoriented myself so I was laying on my side, facing her wetness, Callie facing mine. A small smile formed on her lips, making me smile even larger. I threw one of her legs over my head and forced my tongue into her opening. She shuddered, then mimicked my actions, sliding her tongue inside of me. I felt my walls clench as she moved around inside of me. Already soaked, I knew neither of us would last long. Callie took the lead, running her tongue up and down my slit. I tried my best to hold on, letting my fingers flutter inside of her while flicking my tongue up and down her clitoris. I couldn't even keep track of what she was doing to me, but whatever it was, felt amazing. I added more pressure to Callie's nub with my tongue and felt her walls begin to contract, an orgasm iminent. She curled her fingers inside of me, hitting my G spot, and the orgasm washed over me. As my hips involuntarily bucked, I sucked her nub harder, forcing Callie to cum with me. And as we came together, riding out our orgasms together, we laid there, holding onto one another for dear life.


	19. Chapter 19

"We should get going" Callie said, kissing my forehead while she rolled off the mattress. It was almost 5 o clock. It amazed me how quickly time passed with Callie, yet with that came saddness. There was never enough time.

"Can't we stay here?" I said, "Tell Owen that we are in the lab or something?"

"I already told him that we were in lab all day. Owen really likes you, Arizona. I want to keep it that way" She said, slipping back into her clothes.

"Does he ever get suspicious? About any of this?" I asked. She stopped, thinking momentarily.

"No. I don't think so. I have never been with a woman before, so I don't think he would ever see this coming. More than that, he is caught up in Cristina's world right now..." She said.

"Cristina? Cristina who?" I asked, confused.

"You didn't know? Owen has been sleeping with Cristina Yang for the last 10 months. Though, I imagine he has been in love with her for much longer than that..." She said, matter of factly.

"WHAT?" I exclaimed.

"You really didn't know?" She asked in disbelief. "I thought everyone knew. He isn't remotely sneaky about it..." My mouth must have been hanging open in shock, because she sat down next to me, prepared to give me a more detailed explaination.

"The last time Owen returned from overseas was by far the most difficult. At that point, we had spent more of our marriage apart than together. My career was on fire, while he was thrust into the chief of surgery position. He was stressed, all of the time. On top of that, he was dealing with PTSD. And not the occasional nightmare, heavy stuff. Intense anxiety whenever he heard a loud noise. Sleeping with the lights on. Overwhelming guilt every time he turned on the TV and saw even a hint of the military in the news. Owen and I...we have our differences, but I tried so hard to be there for him. But I just couldn't be there for him in the way he needed me to be. I didn't understand...I still don't understand him." She trailed off. I looked to her, still unable to wrap my head around it all.

"Then he met Dr. Yang. And something changed in him. At first, it was innocent exchanges in surgery. But it developed into something I didn't understand at the time. Now, he can hardly go a night without her. All those nights he stays at the hospital for "chief stuff", he is in an on call room, sleeping next to her. I know he is. Because the mornings after those nights, are the only times he looks fully rested. She puts his soul at ease, calms him. She made him want to be better. I never had that effect on him. Not even close"

"Oh Calliope, I am so sorry." I said softly. She nodded, seemingly at peace with all of this now. How had I not realized that there was more to this story than I could have guessed? There were times that I felt so intensely guilty about what I was doing to not just Owen, but Callie's marriage. I wasn't religious, but I knew Callie had catholicism in her background. Marriage is a sacred thing. Yet, I had never held back, ever. I was drawn to Callie in a way that I could not resist. Had Owen felt the same way about Cristina?

"There are no bad guys here, Arizona. Only people, making choices." She whispered.

"So why are you still together? Why not get a divorce?" She sighed.

"It's more complicated than 'Owen loves Cristina, let's get a divorce'. Owen and I are married. We made vows that we both meant. Despite our differences, despite the fact that we both may love other people, we have a life together. On paper, we make sense; we add up in the most practical way. We want the same things in life. It's far from perfect, but it's what we have."

"But marriage is based on more than practicalities and conveniences. I thought it was about love! Am I that naive to believe that?" I pleaded.

"You're not naive, but you're making things out to be simpler than they are. Hell, Cristina doesn't want anything to do with a real relationship, much less marriage or children. At the core of her being, she is a surgeon. She will always be a surgeon, Owen can't change that. With her, he will never get what he wants"

"But what about YOU! What do YOU want?" I exclaimed. She looked at me, a hardness to my face, waiting for me to realize what I already knew.

"You want a baby, don't you? That is it, isn't it?" I said softly, avoiding her gaze.

"It's more than that. Owen and I... we have always had the same dream. A big house with the classic white picket fence just outside of Seattle that held a house full of children. Despite everything, the infidelities, the lovelessness of our marriage, I can't let it go. WE can't let go of the shared dream we had together. I can't let go of those kids running around in the yard, swinging on the tire swing and playing tag in the lawn. It's what I have always wanted. Until you." She said with a glimmer in her eye.

"You have changed...everything. I have you and suddenly, everything is better. My life is brighter and I am so so happy. Happier than I have been in years. But you are so young. Your life is just beginning! You are going to start medical school and I am already through residency. I am ready to move on. I want a family. And with Owen, I have a chance at that life I always wanted to create." She said, a tear running down her face.

"Then why am I still here?" I said out of both frustration and desperation.

"Because you're my breath of fresh air" She said with a half smile, tears still running down her cheeks. I sighed, leaning into her, resting her forehead against my own.

I hated this. I hated that Callie and I were in such difference places in our lives. I hated that everything she wanted was nothing I could give her. I hated that Owen was what made sense to her. But what I hated most of all, was that this held no weight against my love for her. I never stood a chance. I never had a choice.

"I'm so sorry, Arizona. I didn't mean to unload all of this on you. Not yet, anyway. I just...I need time to sort this out. I need time to figure out how we are going to make sense. Can you give me that?" She pleaded. I thought back to the moment I met Callie, watching her blow through the surgical locker room doors, her bright brown eyes, her air of confidence. Even then, before all the rest of it, she took the breath right out of my lungs. No, I never stood a chance.

Whispering, just audibly enough for her to hear, "I can promise you, Calliope, I am not going anywhere."


	20. Chapter 20

Readers!

Thank you so much for the positive reviews lately! I love hearing what each of you have to say.

A lot of you have mentioned in your comments something along the lines of "something has to give" or the fact that change is imminent. You're absolutely right; something **will** give in the near future. lots of twists and turns ahead, bear with me for the ride and keep your comments coming :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"So...how was the rest of your birthday?" I asked Teddy as nonchalantly as possible as I walked into our apartment. She was sitting on our couch with Henry, plopped in front of the TV. It looked like she hadn't moved all day.

"What I remember was fun. I have had the hangover from hell today though..." She said.

"I wasn't feeling too well myself a little earlier today" I said, sitting down on the couch next to them.

"Do I even want to know where you have been for the last 18 hours?" She asked. Henry chuckled. As the designated driver last night, he clearly knew what had happened and where I had been. Crap.

"Probably not" I said, an apologetic look on my face.

"All Henry would tell me is that you were safe and not to worry about you. So that elimates all of the creeps that would could have left Joe's with. Jo called me about an hour ago bragging about taking Alex Karev home last night, so he is also off the list. You didn't come home, obviously. The list of places you could have been gets pretty short after that." She said sarcastically.

"I was actually at the Torres Suites" I said proudly, knowing I was about to get harrassed for making "poor choices" and "bad judgment calls". Ugh.

"And I am sure it is a coincidence that your girl crush has the same last name as your place of residence last night. Am I right?" She said cooly. I shrugged, defeated.

"Do I need to go over this again? How this so called 'relationship' is not only going to blow up in your face, but ruin your career before it even starts? What can I say to get through to you, Arizona?!"

"Alright, Teds, let's take it down a notch." Henry said. Thank god for Henry. She was really killing my post-sex buzz. Before I could rebuttle, I felt a buzz in my pocket. Pulling out my phone, I saw TIM ROBBINS flash across the screen.

"It's Tim! I gotta take this!" I said, running to my room.

"How convenient" She mumbled as I slammed my door.

"Tim! Hey! How are you? Are you okay?" I couldn't get my words out quickly enough. I hadn't talked to Tim for weeks. My only communication with him recently was through snail mail. I had so much to tell him...

"Zona! I am definitely okay. Quite well, in fact. Can you guess where I am?" He asked teasingly.

"Some random city in Iraq? Or did they transfer you to Iran?" I asked.

"You're wayyyy cold" He said. How could my guess be so far off? He has never been stationed anywhere other than the Middle East.

"Hmm..." I mumbled. Maybe he was transferred to Europe? Japan?

"Okay, I am just going to tell you because my calling card probably has less than twenty seconds left on it. I am back, Zona. I just landed in LAX. Mom and dad are picking me up now and we are flying to Seattle to see you in a week. Call mom for details. Love y..." and the phone line went dead. I ran out of my room, so excited I could hardly breathe.

"Tim is home!" I exclaimed.

"What? I thought he was supposed to be deployed for another few months?" Teddy asked.

"His calling card expired so I don't know the details, but he said he just landed in Los Angeles. He said he and my parents will be flying to Seattle next week!" I said gleefully.

"You haven't heard from your parents?!"

"No...you know how they are, Teds. They are transitory. I moved over ten times when I was younger. They want me to live my life independently. We communicate about the big life events." Teddy raised an eyebrow.

"That sounds rather dysfunctional. But I am happy for you! I am glad he is home and SAFE."

"Me too" I said softly. With everything that had been going on between Callie and I these last few months, my mind had been off of Tim for the first time since has deployed. Watching my big brother go off to war was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. With the amount of times my parents relocated Tim and I throughout my childhood, he often felt like the one stable thing in my life. Tim, my only sibling, was, and still is, my rock. With the knowledge that Tim is home safe and is coming to see me soon, I started to get the feeling that things were falling into place.


	21. Chapter 21

"Good morning Dr. Torres" I said stepping into Callie's office. After I had closed the door behind me, I gave her a lingering kiss on her cheek. She took my hand, bringing it to her lips for a soft kiss while she continued to type away on her computer. I set her iced chai next to her computer mouse.

"Busy day ahead?" I asked, pulling a chair up beside her.

"Yes, but nothing overtly difficult. We have three knee replacements this morning. After lunch, we have a couple shoulders to replace. We aren't on call this weekend either, so I think we will be off at a reasonable hour."

"Okay, great. Remember, today is the day I have to leave at 4:30. My parents are brother are picking me up from the hospital for dinner" I said.

"Oh, right! I remember now. You can definitely leave by 4:30. If I see any additional patients for any reason, I can just do the charting myself. You should spend time with your family, especially your brother. By the way, how is he doing?"

"He is doing well. Honestly, I haven't talked to him that much. He doesn't have a phone yet and my parents are pretty horrible at the whole communication thing"

"I wish my parents were less communicative" She mumbled.

"It seems like you have a good thing going with them, though. Free Torres Suites rooms whenever your drunken employees can't make it home at night. Plus amazing room service and maids to clean up...anything. Don't forget about the late check out, which is very accommodating for jacuzzi sex" She smirked at me.

"We never had the jacuzzi sex" She said sheepishly.

"Mhmmm...that must have just been a very realistic dream then" I said, crawling my hand up her leg.

"Let's make those dreams a reality. Our first surgery isn't for another 45 minutes, we could probably make it down to our spot" She said, pulling me in for a kiss.

"Oh, I will get to _your_ spot alright" I replied. Just as our lips touched, her pager went off. We both sighed in disappointment.

"Damn it" She said, "They're paging me to the OR. Our patient arrived early and is ready for our services"

"After you, Dr. Torres" I said, waving her through her office door, tapping her ass as she passed by me.

Without even seeing her face, I could feel her smile the entire walk to the OR.

xxxxxxxxxx

We stepped out of our last surgery at 4:00, just in time for family dinner. Despite a relatively short day of surgeries, it felt like the day had lasted forever. I was so anxious to see my brother...

"You know you haven't stopped twitching all day, right?" Callie said to me as we began walking together towards her office"

"Twitching? I am not twitching..."

"You're twitching, completely restless. Excited to see you brother?" She asked. I smiled.

"Yes, more than I can begin to express. I'm sorry if I was distracting...I didn't realize I was projecting my excitement so...externally"

"You always distract me, Arizona. In a good way. It was just extra cute today" She whispered the last part quietly into my ear. We locked eyes, smiling at one another. Moments like this made our relationship fun, the sneaking around, the whispering to one another. Not that it would ever trump getting to kiss her publicly or tell my friends the truth about us, but hey, you have to look for the positive when they present themselves.

"Zona!" I heard a shout from behind me. Callie and I turned around simultaneously to see Tim standing about 20 feet behind me. I was so shocked to see him that I initially didn't notice standing my parents standing to his right, or more importantly, the person on his left. I ran towards him, jumping into his arms for a hug.

"Tim! Mom! Dad! You're a little early!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, we beat the rush hour traffic by the looks of it. So we went to the front doors of the hospital to wait for you and I ran into Chief Hunt!" Tim said, putting his hand on Owen's shoulder. Callie and I looked to one another, then Tim and Owen, completely confused.

"You know Dr. Hunt?" I asked.

"He operated on me last year when I came down with appendicitis in the field. Saved my damn life!" Tim said, slapping Owen on the back like they were old friends.

"Hardly, Tim. It was a simple operating" He said, downplaying the whole thing. Damn him. Whenever I tried to hate Owen, he did something good to redeem himself.

"Well, we are very grateful." My mother said, my father nodding beside her.

"It was my pleasure, Mr. and Mrs. Robbins" Owen said, Callie giving him a small smile. Damn it, he was so charming. I am not nearly as charming as he is...

"Who are you?" Tim said bluntly, gesturing towards Callie. I flushed, where to begin?

"My name is Callie." She said, extending her hand for a hand shake. Tim pulled her in for a hug, making Callie laugh awkwardly.

"Dr. Torres is my boss...I am her medical scribe...She actually..."

"She's my wife" Owen said, taking a step towards her and slipping his hand around her waist. Tim's eyes widened, I stiffened on her opposite side.

"No shit? Small fucking world..." Tim exclaimed.

"Tim, please, manners" My mother said. Tim rolled his eyes

"Dr. Torres, Dr. Hunt, join us for dinner? I would love to hear more about your tour in the Middle East, Owen" I felt Callie tense beside me. Owen, on the other hand, seemed as calm and collected as ever.

"I wish I could, Mrs. Robbins, but I am on call tonight. Callie, you should go with them. I won't be home tonight and you aren't on call" Owen said, putting Callie on the spot.

"Cal...Dr. Torres is really busy mom, I don't know if she..." I started to say

"I would love to join you and your family, thank you for the invitation, Mrs. Robbins. Do you mind if Arizona and I just grab our things in my office and meet you at the restaurant?" Callie asked pleasantly.

Tim gave me a look, the look he gives me when he wants me to explain further, or elaborate on something. But my eyes shifted away from him. Like Callie pointed out today, and Teddy many times before, my expressions gave way too much away.

"Surely! Meet us at Le Meridian. We have reservations there at 6 o clock" My mother replied.

"Sounds good, mom. See you there" I said. As I turned around, I saw Tim raise his eyebrows at me. I flushed. The coincidences of this entire situation were unbelievable. For Tim to have been operated on by the husband of the woman I am in love with? Karma, fate, or whatever you want to call it, must have played a cruel joke on me today.

"I am so sorry, Callie. I totally froze. I didn't know what to say to get you out of the dinner. You could probably bail now if you wanted to..."

"Arizona, it's okay. Really. It's just dinner..." She said, walking into her office.

"Right. Just dinner" I said, taking a deep breath. Callie chuckled, handing me my purse.

"Relax, Arizona. Everything will be fine. Plus, Le Meridian is amazing" She said, kissing me on the cheek. I closed my eyes, trying to hold onto the warmth and comfort her kisses always offered me.

"I didn't know anyone called you 'Zona'" She said, kissing her way down my neck.

"Only Tim" I said, leaning against her desk.

"It's kinda hot" She whispered in my ear, cupping my left breast and locking her office door.

"Calliope, we can not have sex before we have dinner with my parents and Tim!" I said, pathetically trying to resist her advances. I was already a puddle in her embrace.

"Mhhmm..." She said, ignoring me, unzipping my pants.

"Okay please, you know I am not one to turn down sex. In fact, I will likely never turn down sex with you ever again. However, in all seriousness, if we have sex now, it will be all over my face. I will have that goofy smile on and my brother will know within two minutes of us getting to the restaurant" I said. She sighed, an irritated expression on her face as she zipped my pants back up.

"FINE. But don't let this happen again" She said, winking at me. I took her hand in mine, giving it a small squeeze before I opened the door.

"Come on, let's go get this over with"


	22. Chapter 22

When Callie and I arrived to the restaurant, Tim and my parents were already there waiting for us. They were sitting in the corner of the restaurant around a circular table. There were two chairs next to one another, one next to my mother and the other next to Tim. As we approached the able, my family smiled at us. My brother stood up and pulled out the free chair next to him, offering it to Callie. He could be such a kiss ass sometimes...

"Can I get you two something to drink?" The waitress asked as we sat down.

"I'll take a glass of merlot" Callie said.

"Riesling for me, please" I said.

After the waitress had walked away, the five of us sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments. There was so much to talk about, I imagine no one knew quite where to start. Throwing Calle's presence in the mix apparently had made at least three of us speechless.

"Dr. Torres, you're an orthopedic surgeon?" Tim asked.

"That's correct. I completed my residency three years ago" She said.

"And now you're making the big bucks eh?" Tim said.

"Tim, seriously? Like that is any of your business" I said, condoning him. Callie laughed nervously. Tim gave me the 'CHILL OUT' look. He liked to joke around, and I knew he would mess with any guest I brought at least a little bit, but I couldn't help but overreact to his jokes. I was nervous about this whole thing; I wanted everyone to like Callie without becoming suspicious about our relationship.

"I am well compensated" Callie said, taking her first sip of wine. She looked so seductive when she drank wine. Damn it, I really need to shut off my sex drive if I am going to make it through this dinner. But how could I when the most beautiful woman in the world was sipping wine, looking so elegant you would have thought she was royalty. She must have caught me staring; she kicked my foot under the table.

"Ouch" I muttered. My father gave me a confused look. I looked away, trying to keep myself from flushing.

"Tim, tell me about your time in Iraq. I can't believe you got appendicitis, of all things that require surgery over there" Callie said, restarting the conversation.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Tim could talk for hours about his time in the military. He began by telling her how he was inspired by his childhood. My father was a high-ranking official in the army. Given that fact, we moved, a lot. I didn't mind the moving so much, but it never crossed my mind to pursue a career in the military. For Tim, however, a career in the military was all he ever thought about. My parents and I had lived this reality, and had also heard this explanation over a hundred times, but Callie appeared genuinely engaged. He then went on to tell her about his two years in Iraq. Tim was a complete goof ball; an infectiously positive, upbeat guy. But even he grew solemn when he spoke about the horrible things he saw in Iraq. The bombings, the dead children lying in the streets armed with weapons twice their size, his fellow soldiers and friends dying right before his eyes. It had all aged him, changed him in ways that were hard to put a finger on. He kept talking about all of it, the good and the bad, as we ordered, ate and paid for our meal. As a passive listener, I felt like I was getting to know my brother in a completely different light. So often, Tim left out the grotesque details of his life overseas when he talked about his experience with close family members. When he talked to Callie, he spoke without a filter. He opened up to her, attempting to explain every detail of every notable situation he faced overseas. Watching Callie listen to him was almost more emotional. I saw small tears form in her eyes on numerous occasions, especially when he spoke about the Iraqi children. My parents held hands throughout the entire dinner, my father obviously empathizing with much of my brother's story. Despite my parent's thought exterior, I knew they both were relieved that my brother had come home without casualty.

"When I was told I was getting sent home early, I cried. Part of me was so distraught that I was leaving because I wanted to do more. I hated leaving my guys behind. There was so much unfinished business left over there. But the bigger part of me was relieved. I felt bad about how ready I was to be going home, because I should want to stay and help and be useful. But in my heart of hearts, I didn't. So I took the leave. And here I am" Tim said, finishing off the last of his beer.

"You're allowed to feel however you want to feel, Tim. You may not ever guess it, but Owen has struggled since coming back to the states. I think a lot of that has to do with being too prideful to admit he wasn't doing well" Callie said to Tim. He nodded a few times, then a smile grew across his face.

"I like you, Callie!" He said, patting her on the back. "Let's hang out more often" Callie beamed at him, then at me. Although to Tim, Callie was my boss, his approval of her meant something to me. I wanted him to like her. In a twisted way, his high regard for her somewhat justified the insanity of me falling in love with her.

"Let's do that" She said with a smile on her face.

Despite the conclusion of our meal, my parents didn't show any sign of getting ready to leave the restaurant. There must be something they want to discuss.

Sure enough, my parents looked to one another, and my father asked, "Have you decided on a medical school for next year?"

I lowered my gaze. In all honesty, I hadn't thought about which school I would choose yet. No matter where I went, I wouldn't be starting for another 12 weeks. I felt like I had some time to decided, though Teddy had sent her deposit to the University of Washington a few months ago.

"I haven't yet, actually" I said quietly.

"Where did you get accepted, Zona?" Tim asked.

"Johns Hopkins, Mayo and the University of Washington" I said.

"All great schools I am sure" My mother stated simply.

"But how could you even consider passing up Johns Hopkins? It is the best medical school in the country!" My father blurted out. My father had obviously had that question on his mind for a while. Callie sat stoically beside me, her head slightly elevated. She watched for my response out of the corner of her eye.

"The University of Washington is a good school too..."I said.

"Ah ha! So it's between Hopkins and University of Washington?" Tim said.

"I guess" I said, hoping they would drop the conversation. No such luck.

"Where did you go to medical school, Callie?" Tim asked.

"I went to Hopkins" Callie said.

"So you think she should go there?" Tim asked, pushing Callie for an answer. Even my parents were staring at her eagerly. I shot Tim a mild glare.

"It's just a question" He said in response to my look.

"I think both schools are great. Arizona won't go wrong choosing either school" Relieved my her unbiased response, I whispered 'thank you' to her. My parents looked displeased. Unwilling to let it rest, my brother pushed further.

"Zona, you have always said you wanted to go to the best medical school to become the best physician you could be. I don't understand why you would even consider another school over Hopkins. I thought Hopkins was the dream, _your_ dream" He stopped for a second, gathering his thoughts.

"Truthfully, I don't give a rats ass where you go. I just want to understand what your reasoning is. You're not sounding like my sister right now" Tim said. Growing more irritated by the moment, I sighed.

"Look, there is more to life than being the best doctor in the world. I am happy in Seattle! I have a great job and friends and...why would I give that up when there is a great medical school just down the street? Maybe I am sick of the constant uprooting that we had growing up. Maybe I am ready for some stability" I exclaimed. My parents dropped their gaze, hurt by my comments. I didn't care, I just wanted to leave this stupid restaurant. I didn't want to think about my future. I wanted to stay here, now, with Callie.

"That's perfectly legitimate. I was just...curious" Tim said, slightly defensively. Callie still wouldn't look me in the eye. Dinner had been going so well...

"Well, it's getting late. We better get going" My mom said, putting her coat on.

"Zona, can I stay over at your place tonight? I haven't seen Teddy in a couple years now and I have never seen your apartment" Tim asked. I nodded at him.

"I'll meet you at my car. I am going to walk Callie to hers" I said.

"Thanks for dinner, have a great night you guys" Callie said to my parents. Waving her goodbye Callie and I walked out of the restaurant, my parents right behind us.

When we began walking in opposite directions and my parents were out of sight, I put my hand around Callie's waist.

"Thanks again for bearing through that with me, Calliope. You deserve a medal, or a small trophy" I said. She laughed, webbing her fingers into mine

"I'll take a kiss instead" She whispered seductively into my ear. I smiled, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"In all honesty, I had fun. I like your brother. He seems like a really great guy" Callie said, squeezing my hand.

"He is..." I said. We reached her car and a silence fell between us. I moved my hand to the small of her back. The conversation about medical schools, about me potentially moving, lingered between us.

"I am sorry the whole medical school thing was brought up..."

"No, Arizona, it's something you have to be thinking about" She said with just the slightest hint of sadness across her face.

"I can't leave you" I said quietly.

"I know. But you need to think about what you really want, Arizona. I can't tell you what to do" She said, pulling me into her embrace. I breathed her in; she always smelt so good to me, intoxicating to the point of dizziness.

"I want you" I whispered into her chest. Maybe she heard me, maybe not, but she pulled me in even tighter.

"I better go, Tim is waiting" I said, kissing her one last time.

"I will see you tomorrow" She said, I nodded and began walking towards my car.

Tim was leaning against the driver's side door of my car, a slight grin on his face. We both got in and I started the car, waiting for Tim to grill me. I knew it was coming. He had ended the medical school conversation too abruptly, he wanted more information than he was letting on. He just didn't want to ask the questions that he wanted to ask in front of my parents.

"Just say it, Tim. I know you want to ask me something" I exclaimed. He laughed.

"You really want me to say it, Zona? Really? Because part of me thinks you would rather carry on in your little secret fantasy world with Dr. Torres" I instantly flushed.

"How did you know..." I asked.

"Well I didn't for sure, but you definitely just confirmed it!" He said, continuing to laugh. Again, I glared at him.

"You suck, Tim" I muttered.

"Give me a break, Zona. You have always been readable. You look at Dr. Torres like she has a halo and wings. She is only slightly more discrete than you about your love affair. But even she can't help but watch you. Literally, she always has her eyes on you. It's kind of sickening, actually" I punched his arm with that last comment. He laughed again, a huge smile across his face.

"Oh man though, Zona, how did you manage to get yourself into this one?" He asked.

"It never felt like a choice. I just...I fell for her so hard and so fast in the most organic way. I didn't get myself into anything...this whole thing just fell into my lap. There were no choices" I said quietly. He nodded, silent beside me.

"That was probably the cheesiest thing I have ever heard" He said, clearly amused. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Screw you" I said.

"I'm just messing with you, sis. But seriously, you are not the little sister I once knew. You're different. In a good way. You're softer, happier. To hear you say that you want to stay in one place for more than a year or two...is new. I am happy for you though, truly. Minus the whole 'she's married' part. And the 'she's seemingly straight' part. Oh, and the 'she's 11 years older than you' part."

"Ten and a half. And she is definitely not straight."

"Right. The point is, you love someone enough to way to stay still for the first time in our lives. That in itself is something to celebrate, right?" He said, nudging me. Much like Callie, he was someone I could not say mad at, no matter how hard I tried.

"Thanks, Tim"

"Anytime, little sis. But tell me this..."He said with a very serious look on his face.

"What?" I asked.

"Have you...and Callie...bumped uglies?" He maintained a stoic face, trying so hard no to laugh.

"You're a pig" I said, driving into the garage at my apartment.

"I was thinking you could draw me a diagram? Or build a model? Though I have seen my fair share of lesbian porn, I am still confused by how it all works without a penis" I shot him a look, Tim practically rolled out of the car he was laughing so hard.

"Again, you're gross" I said, walking away from him. He came up behind me and hugged me, his muscled abs against my back. I stopped for a moment, enjoying the brief embrace from my only brother.

"I am so glad you're back, Tim"

"Likewise, Zona"


	23. Chapter 23

Thanks again for all of the comments, readers! They really encourage me to keep editing and making this story even better :)

I know a lot of you are sick of Owen. While his presence is annoying and impinging on Calzona, he does add a lot to my story. It's no fun when things are simple and easy in a fanfiction, right? :) keep the faith, there is still a lot left to this story.

As for Tim-he is always going to be in Arizona's corner. Whether she is making good or bad choices, he is going to be there for her and supporting her. He's a goofy, carefree guy and isn't one to follow the 'rules' of normalcy.

The other questions you have asked-I cannot answer yet. Keep reading and commenting :)

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Three weeks later, after Tim had flow back to California and I had gotten back into my normal work routine, I put down a deposit at University of Washington Medical School. I didn't tell anyone, not Teddy, Tim, my parents, or even Callie. I was so incredibly happy with how things were going, I didn't want anything to change. But, Tim was right. I had changed. My priorities were different now. Undoubtedly Callie had played a big role in that, but it wasn't all about her either. Callie had brought to light how happy and content I was in Seattle. I had great friends, a fun job and Callie. I no longer felt the need to uproot my life in search of the next best thing, because it felt like what I had was the best. Going to the University of Washington didn't feel like settling, it felt like the right choice, for me. A small part of me wondered if I was missing out by not going to the number one medical school in the country. However, these feeling were minimal relative to the utter happiness and contentment I felt about where I was in life. Things were never better with Callie and I knew at this point that I would never be able to leave here. I was too involved, too in love with her.

"I think we should talk about where I am going to be in a couple months" Before I had even tried to start this conversation, I knew it was pointless. She already had me half naked in our secret basement dwelling. I had tried bringing up the conversation regarding my medical school decision twice already today, but the first time I had lost my nerve and the second time I said it so quietly she didn't hear me.

"Right now, I am _not_ in the mood to talk" She whispered in my ear seductively, nibbling my earlobe. How after almost a month of frequent sex, nearly continuous, did it feel like the first time _every single time_.

"Calliope, this is important" I said, letting a small moan escape my lips as she cupped my left breast. She took her lips off my neck and rested her chin on my chest, looking at me with her big brown eyes. She must have been able to tell by the look in my eye that I was close to caving and dropping this conversation all together. Callie lowered herself down, her eyes parallel to my sex. Running her tongue from my opening to my clit, she maintained eye contact with me. I tried to hold her gaze, but I felt my back arch and my eyes roll to the back of my head. God, her breasts had looked amazing today, fuller than I had ever seen them. They had been distracting me all day, and now they were the tipping point, more important than all else.

"More important than this?" She said, entering me with a sudden thrust of two fingers. I tensed around her, overcome with pleasure.

"No" I whispered, defeated in the best way possible. She smiled, pumping deeper and deeper into me. I met her fingers with hip thrusts, throwing my head back, gripping the sheets around me. Her left hand reached up and kneaded my left breast as she continued to nibble my inner thighs and pump in and out of me. Just as I felt myself losing steam, unable to meet her thrusting, she pulled out and quickly began rubbing her palm against my bundle of nerves. No more than a moment later, I came, hard and fast. As my hips made their final involuntary bucks, I felt Callie crawling up me. My eyes were closed when she planted a big kiss on my lips.

"I have a favor to ask" Callie said, giving me her biggest puppy dog eyes.

"Ask away" I said, stroking her hair.

"Will you come with me to a baby shower for one of our nurses tomorrow afternoon? I was supposed to go with Addison, but apparently she has a surgery scheduled"

"You know I hate sober parties..."

"Pleaseeee" She pleaded into my ear, kissing me just under my jaw line.

"Is this why you brought me down here today? To coerce me into going to a stupid baby shower with you?" I said, pretending to be appalled. She sighed.

"Well, maybe that was a small contributing factor...but in reality I have just been excessively horny lately and couldn't wait another minute to jump your skin" Callie said seductively, making her way down to my sex once again. I moaned, feeling her breath on me.

"This is not fair. I can't think when you're within six feet of me when you're fully clothed. I don't have a prayer when you're beautiful naked body is on top of me" I said, already breathless.

"So is that a yes?" She asked, sliding two fingers into me.

"Oh Calliope, yes"


	24. Chapter 24

The next day, I had completely regretted my decision to go to this baby shower with Callie. Not that it was really a decision, as Callie had sexed me into saying yes. Either way, I hate baby showers.

"How can you hate baby showers? You get to play fun games and watch the mother open gifts..." Callie said with a wide grin on her face. I would have found it cute how happy she was when she talked about baby showers, but I was too annoyed that I was at one.

"Baby showers are annoying. Yes, you get to play games, but they're crappy games. You have to act like you care what the kid's name is going to be and whether or not the mother in law will be allowed in the delivery room. Plus, all of the hormones. All that estrogen floating in the air makes me a little nauseated" Callie frowned at me.

"Well, put your happy face on because we are here. Try not to have that look on your face when you walk into the room" She said, pinching my cheek as she walked through the doors to the party.

"What look?" I whispered to her. She turned around, giving me her stern face. I rolled my eyes.

"Dr. Torres! Thank you so much for coming! I know how busy you are..." A very pregnant nurse whom I did not recognize said as she embraced Callie in an awkward half hug. That big belly must get in the way of everything. God, I never want to be pregnant, ever. I want sex and bikinis and alcohol, not stretch marks, baby formula and diapers.

"Oh of course, Jackie. I wouldn't miss it!" Callie said cheerfully.

"Make yourself at home. We will open gifts in a half hour or so. In the mean time, grab some food. The other nurses made pigs in a blanket" Jackie said with a smile.

"Thanks, Jackie!" Callie said, walking away towards the food.

"Her selling point is pigs in a blanket? Really?" I whispered in Callie's ear.

"Everyone loves pigs in a blanket. Including you. Eat up" Callie said, loading her plate with food. We sat down together at a small table near the corner of the room. There were easily over 50 women here, all of them looked to be Seattle Grace staff.

"Oh cute! Every seat as a little cloth diaper on it. Open yours, Arizona" Callie exclaimed.

"I don't get it. What's the purpose of an the mouse sized cloth diaper?"

"If your diaper has poop in it, it means you win a prize! Mine is empty" She said with a frown.

"Gross, I am not touching that" I said, throwing my tiny diaper across the table.

"It's not real poop you dink. It's probably a tootsie roll or something"

"I'm not taking any chances" I said.

"Well, you at least have to come with me to decorate a onesie!" She pleaded. I cringed at the thought.

"Let's finish eating first" I said. She nodded in agreement. I was hoping she would forget about the onesie station by the time we finished eating...

"You really don't like this? Any of this baby stuff?" Callie asked. I shrugged, not sure what to say.

"I like being here because you're here" I said, resting my hand discretely on her thigh under the table. She gave me a small smile, but obviously was not happy with my answer. Before I could explain more, Addison entered the party, spotted Callie and sat down at our table.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had an important surgery?" Callie asked.

"It was rescheduled last minute. I rushed over because I figured you would be here by yourself..."Addison said. By the look on her face, she was definitely confused as to why I was here.

"I hate going to parties alone, especially baby showers"

"So you drag your scribe with you? I hope she's getting paid for this" Addison said. I couldn't help but let a small laugh escape me. Callie looked to Addison, disappointed.

"Not you too! Am I the only one who doesn't hate baby showers?" She asked.

"Probably. Oooh! Pigs in a blanket" Addison said, taking one off of Callie's plate. Callie crossed her arms with the slightest pout on her face.

"Oh come on, Callie. You can honestly say you're having fun right now?" Addison asked.

"Well, I can't say this is the most fun I have ever had or anything. But how exciting for Jackie! In less than a month, she is going to have a baby! She is going to be a mother for the first time. I can practically feel the joy radiating off of her. That is what makes this so fun" Callie said.

"And tell me why you aren't the one who is pregnant?" Callie flushed, clearly caught off guard by her friend's question.

"It's...I... It just isn't the right time" Callie said. She was totally flustered, avoiding my eye contact and picking at her food.

"You and Owen were trying a while back, right? What happened? Did you run into fertility issues?" Addison asked. I suddenly felt ill, forced to think about Callie and Owen 'trying'. Sure I knew Callie wanted children, but I never knew Callie was actively trying for them.

"No, it wasn't anything like that" Callie said meekly. This was getting extremely uncomfortable, yet Addison seemed blissfully unaware of any tension she was causing between Callie and I.

"Well do you still want kids?" Addison asked.

"More than anything" Callie said.

"Well, you're not getting any younger! Get on it!" Addison said. As Callie attempted to form a response, both her and Addison's pagers went off.

"Looks like a major incoming trauma is coming in in 15 minutes. It must be all hands on deck if they are paging the OBGYN and orthopod" Addison said, putting her coat back on.

Callie and I stood up, neither of us willing to look at the other. _More than anything._ Those words cut right through me, because for me, there was nothing I wanted more than her. I suddenly felt the enormity of the age difference between us that had previously gone unnoticed. Despite the fact that Teddy had pointed out not only the age difference between Callie and I, but the completely different places we were in our lives numerous time, I had never truly felt it. But here we were. Callie, who was ready to be someone's mother. Not just ready, but desperately wanted to be someone's mother. And me, who hasn't even started medical school, much less thought about a family. Children were the last thing on my radar; the thought of becoming a parent overwhelmed me. I love Callie. I cannot imagine going through another day of my life without her in it. But was this what we were up against?

We had to find a way to move past this.

Before we stepped out of the car, I grabbed her hand. She looked to me, her eyes gazing off in the distance like she does when her thought are discombolulated and insensible to her. I wanted to say something to comfort her, to tell her that this was a difference we could work through. But i couldn't do anything more than offer her a worried smile before she let go of my hand and left the car.


	25. Chapter 25

Hi readers!

I have been reading your comments as usual. All I want to say at this point is, DON'T jump to conclusions, especially when it comes to Callie.

As for those of you who don't like my story, feel free to stop reading! I am just writing my story as I have envisioned it :)

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The five days following the baby shower were complete chaos. It was as if Callie had intentionally scheduled surgery after surgery. When she was out of surgery, usually sometime around six, she had some other obligation she didn't need me for, so she would send me home. From an outsider's perspective, she was treating me normally. We continued to eat lunch together and work side by side throughout the day. Yet, our subtle day to day interactions changed. The looks from across the OR, the graze of her hand on my waistline when she moved past me, were absent. She was no longer dragging me to our basement bungalow whenever we had more than 15 minutes to spare. All of our conversations were superficial. The conversation between her and Addison at the baby shower was never brought up, as much as I wanted to address it. I wanted to clear the air, to make it known that I was not as anti-children as I made myself out to be. I just...I hadn't gotten around to thinking about kids yet.

So that fifth day of frenzied scheduling and lack of breaks, I told myself I was done with it. I was going to tell Callie that I had committed to the University of Washington and was staying in Seattle. I was going to tell her that I was serious about her, serious about us. I would explain that while kids were not in my immediate life plan, they could be, some day. That I would make this work, make anything work if we could be together. I was going to tell her that we should stop hiding, stop pretending that we are just colleagues. And that she should divorce Owen so we could finally be something out there and real instead of two people crouching in the shadows, afraid of exposure.

"Callie, can we talk for a minute?" I said as we entered her office at the end of our relentless surgical day.

"Well, I am supposed to go to a meeting..." Callie said, avoiding my gaze.

"You have been in meetings all week. We, on the other hand, haven't talked in a few days" I said.

"What do you mean? We have been together all week" She said.

"You know what I mean" I said firmly. I sat down next to her while she was staring at my computer, still avoiding my gaze. I put my hand on her leg and felt her tense beneath me. Withdrawing my hand, I cocked my head to the side, looking at her.

"Callie, what is going on?" I asked. She closed her eyes and sighed, finally looking at me. Her face was frozen, her expression unreadable. I recognized this as the face she made when she was about to give a patient bad news. She had told me once that she has to prepare herself before she delivers bad news because otherwise, she starts to cry right with the patient and his or her family. Why in the hell was she giving me her bad news face?

"You start medical school in 6-7 weeks, correct?" She asked stoically.

"Yes...but that's what I wanted to talk to you about..."She cut me off before I could complete my sentence.

"Go to Hopkins, Arizona" She said. Her expression was unchanged, her eyes frozen on me, but not really seeing me. I had no insight into what she was thinking or why she was saying this. It was like she wasn't really there.

"Why would I go there, when you are here?" I asked.

"It's the best medical school in the country" She said.

"I don't care" I replied quickly.

"Well, you should. Go to Hopkins, Arizona. I mean it" She said more assertively. I felt my heart begin to race in my chest, my stomach was in my throat.

"What are you saying, Callie?"

"I am saying there is nothing for you here" Callie said flatly.

"What do you mean? What about you? What about us? Is this about the baby shower? Because I could want kids...one day...I just need time"

"Jesus, Arizona, just stop. This is not about the baby shower..."

"Then what is this about? One minute we were _happy_...and...we weren't together, together, but we had each other. we were...we are SO happy. That's something! Right? How can you negate that?" She looked away, her face beginning to crumple. She remained silent. I grabbed her hand, stroking it with my thumb. I was grasping at straws and we both knew it.

"Calliope Torres, _I love you_. In a really big...pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So please, pick me, choose me, _love me_ " I could feel the tears running hot down my face, my eyes pleading for her, begging for her to hear me.

"Love isn't enough, Arizona. Not anymore" She pulled her hand away from mine, wiping her right eye

"I have to go" She said, leaving me alone in her office.


	26. Chapter 26

The next few weeks following Callie and I's...separation, if you could even call it that, were a blur. The initial shock of being left in her office lasted a few hours, enough time for me to stumble into Joe's and drink myself into an oblivion. Teddy found me late that night, drunkenly slouched over the bar, a fifty dollar bill and 8 empty shot glasses in front of me. She brought me home, and that's when the tears came. I cried, sobbed and shook until I was too weak to produce another tear. There are no words to describe what I went through that first night. I never knew a person could feel so low, so unloved, so forgotten that life itself became nothing more than a burden. I wanted to crawl away, somewhere dark, where I would never be loved, touched or even acknowledged again. Because with all of these things, came loss. And my heart could not bear another loss.

Calliope Torres had sapped every tear, every ounce of energy, every ounce of happiness I ever had, out of me. I laid in bed for the next few weeks, only getting up to pee and on the rare occasion, eat or drink something. I didn't cry. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I barely even slept. I just, laid there, a vault of my old self.

Occasionally, I would let my mind wander to better times. The first time I saw Callie, voluptuous and confident, strutting out of the locker room towards me. The first time I saw her operate, her delicate hands working their magic. The first time we made love, the shower raining down on us as my hands explored her immaculately soft skin. The day of the shooting, being locked in the medicine closet with her for over eight hours, calming her, holding her for to me for the first time. The way she would look at me during surgery. Her naked body under me. Moments when I was so caught up in her, that everything else became irrelevant. She had that hold on me; she made my world stop.

But all of these memories were so exquisitely painful, that I only let these thoughts come through when I needed something to make me feel alive. Because lying in bed, knowing that I may never see Callie again, made me feel so empty that I thought my chest may collapse on itself. More than once, I checked my pulse, sure I had entered purgatory, only to be disappointed that this was in fact, my new reality.

During those few weeks, Teddy was an exceptional friend. She called Hopkins and begged them to give me my spot back in their medical school class that I had turned down weeks ago. She ever tried to take my phone and call Callie to tell her to call Hopkins. But that sent me into a sobbing rage, begging her to leave me alone and never speak her name again. She had sent Henry in to talk to me, but I was even less responsive to him. Like i said, I was a shell of myself. My former bouncing, bright, positive self had been replaced by vast sorrow and emptiness.

Every crevice, every inch of me longed for Callie. I didn't even try to carry on with my life; I knew nothing could fill the holes Callie had left within me.

About three weeks before I was about to start medical school, I heard Teddy whispering on the phone. Teddy had been whispering on the phone a lot lately. As apathetic as I was to anything at that point, I did stretch my hearing to listen to what she was saying. I was sure she had said _Tim._

Less than an hour later, Teddy was in my room. her presence somewhat surprised me; she hadn't tried to talk to me in more than a few days now. I knew that she was beginning to realize how helpless this situation was.

"Arizona, it's time to get up" Teddy said.

She had tried the tough love approach with me already this week. I wish she would realize how utterly meaningless it was to over analyze this situation, to try to come up with a technique that would 'fix me'. It was really quite simple: Callie wasn't here, and nothing could fix that.

"Please, Arizona. It has been over three weeks since you left the apartment. I need you to get up and try to...I don't know...shower? Or something? Your brother is going to be here in less than an hour" I sat up, moving more quickly than I had in weeks.

"You called my brother? Seriously Teddy, he has better things to do than see me"

"Arizona, he has been calling me daily since you abruptly stopped communicating with him three weeks ago. Don't you think he realized something was up?" I laid back down, suddenly overwhelmed again by loneliness. Teddy sat closer to me, putting her hand on my knee.

"You can't go on like this. You just can't. We start medical school in less than three weeks. You have to figure out a way to get back on your feet because we are about to get our asses handed to us in school and studying. Tim is the most important person i your life, let him help you" I felt my lip quiver, tears threatening to fall again. I pulled my comforter closer to my face. Teddy sighed in defeat.

"This is you final hour of moping, Arizona. When Tim gets here, we are starting fresh, okay? We are going to turn this around" She shut the door behind her. I sank back into bed, wishing for the thousandth time today alone that I could rewind to three weeks ago, hell three months ago. I almost wish I could go back to the time before Callie and I had acknowledged our feeling for one another. At least then I could be near her, hear her voice.

I knew Tim wouldn't let me off the hook. He would make me get up, even if he had to bring in a tractor to do so. Slowly, I pulled the covers off myself and rolled out of bed. I felt exposed to the world and instantly wanted to retreat to the safety of my bed. But I didn't. I couldn't let Tim see me this way. I went to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror; I had clearly lost weight, presumably muscle mass. I was no longer standing in the OR for hours on end, chasing Callie around the hospital. All the while, my eating habits had become minute.

Stepping into the scolding hot water almost hurt initially, my skin hypersensitive. But as I let the water wash over me, burn my skin, my mind raced to the first time Callie and I made love. Water dripping down her perfectly bronzed back, kissing her glistening lips, feeling her mouth on my neck. I could almost feel it all, until another wave of sorrow crested and washed through my soul. Never again would I feel Callie beneath my fingertips. I felt myself crumple, falling to the sitting position on the shower floor. I need her so desperately I wanted to scream.

"Arizona! It's Tim. Are you alive in there?" Tim yelled, pounding on the door. Teddy had probably told I'm I should be on a suicide watch. Ugh.

"Coming!" I shut off the shower, trying to pull myself together. Somehow, I looked no better after showering than I did pre-shower, but at least I was clean. I brushed through my matted hair and dried myself off. Good enough. I threw on jeans and an old shirt, letting my wet hair soak the back of my shirt. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hey sis!" Tim said. He was sitting on my bed, looking as cheery as ever, except the slightest look of concern in his eye that only I would ever recognize.

"Hi" I said, already feeling the tears welling in my eyes. Tim pulled me into him, hugging me tightly.

"No more of this, okay? We are done crying and we are done lying in bed. You and I are going to the salon to get your hair done. Then we are going to the grocery store and buying a shit ton of ice cream" Tim said confidently.

"Why am I getting my hair done? And why are we buying ice cream?" I asked.

"Honestly, I googled 'how to get over a break up' on the way here. Apparently new hair cuts and ice cream are popular remedies" He said. I couldn't help but break a smile.

"You're sweet" I said.

"I know. Come on, we have an appointment down the street in 15 minutes"


	27. Chapter 27

For all of those who are wondering, I can confirm that yes, Callie's POV will emerge. Don't expect it for a little while yet; while this is a Calzona themed story, it is largely Arizona's to tell.

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An hour later, six inches of my hair were on the floor. All I had told the stylist was that I "wanted it gone". She gave me a weird look, but after Tim had explained that I was getting over a break up, with me simultaneously bursting into tears, she seemed to understand. Even I had to admit that the long bob she had given me was a good look. My hair looked wavier, more carefree, if that was even possible. I felt lighter now that much of my hair was gone.

"There must be something to your internet search, Tim. I do feel slightly better" I said, running my fingers through my shortened hair. He smiled, punching my shoulder.

"See! Now, let's go get ice cream. This will really get you feeling better"

We spent the next fifteen minutes picking out ice cream at the nearest grocery store. I settled for a pint of triple chocolate meltdown, while Tim got chocolate chunk cookie dough. When we got back to the apartment, we found Teddy and Henry already there with pizza and beer. I ate more than I had eaten in the last three weeks combined. I was quiet through most of their conversation, allowing Teddy, Tim and Henry to catch up. I could tell they were keeping their conversations superficial. Teddy had likely warned Tim that anything and everything could set me off.

"Well, we are going to stay at Henry's tonight so Tim can have my bed" Teddy said. "We will be back tomorrow morning" A pang of anger ran through me as she so casually announced she would be staying at her boyfriend's tonight. It was unfair that she would see the love of her life whenever she wanted, without complications. Feeling myself beginning to fall back into my spiral of misery after such a good day (relatively speaking, anyway) I took a big drink of my beer.

"Sounds good, Teds. We will see you tomorrow" Tim said as Teddy and Henry let the apartment. Tim sensed my mood and turned towards me.

"Now that we have had some fun and that you know you are capable of having fun again, do you want to talk about it? Dr. Torres, I mean?" He asked. Hearing her name outloud, for the first time in three weeks, sent a chill down my spine.

"There's nothing to say" I said simply. I really wasn't ready to talk about this, not even with Tim.

"There's a lot to say. I don't think anyone knew how...attached you were to here, Zona"

"Attached?!" I scoffed. "I was in love with her, Tim. It's not as easy as cutting the cord and BAM, separated. I still feel her, everywhere. I see her in everything I do. She is a part of me. I can't shake her" He continued to stare at me, waiting for me to say more. It was just too much, verbalizing it all. Again, I felt the urge to crawl back into my bed, under my blankets, and try to clear my mind of everything possible.

"I hate to see you like this, Zona. Tell me what I can do and I will do it" Tim said softly. I shook my head, knowing there was absolutely nothing he, or anyone could do.

"You have done everything you can do. I appreciate you being here, so much. But I just...miss her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. I don't think there is anything or anyone that can make that go away" I started to sob again, and he pulled into his embrace. After a few minutes when my sobs had subsided, he let me go, allowing my to wipe my tears.

"Look, I wasn't going to give this to you until your birthday, but I think now is a good time" He said, rummaging through his duffel bag.

"My birthday?" I asked.

"Your birthday is in three days, Arizona. Had you seriously forgotten?" He asked.

I truly had lost track of time since my separation from Callie. I hadn't realized how much time I had lost.

"Well anyway, happy birthday little sis" he said, handing me a long, rectangular box. I unwrapped the poorly wrapped gift, revealing a "Littman" box. When I opened it, I found stethoscope with "Arizona Robbins, MD" engraved onto it. I felt the tears welling in my already bloodshot, swollen eyes.

"Oh Tim, this is amazing" I said, choking up.

"You like it?" He asked.

"I love it. Thank you so much" I said, hugging him again.

"You're welcome. I am so proud of you, Zona. You are going to be a remarkable physician. Don't let one person stand in the way of your potential, because you have way too much talent and heart for that. You are going to do amazing things"

I held the stethoscope in my hands. I had forgotten how much I had wanted to become a physician since my whirlwind romance with Callie. Some day, this stethoscope might help me save a life. What an enormous responsibility. How had I overlooked all of that?

"Thanks, Tim. I love you"

"Hey, don't get all mushy on me now. But I love you too. Gotta promise me one thing though" He said with a mischievous smile.

"What's that?" I asked, trying to find my heart beat with my fancy new toy.

"Well, two things. Number one, you will get nice and drunk with me on your birthday. Second, you get me laid" I laughed, shaking my head at him.

"I will promise you that we will get as rip roaring drunk as you would like. As for you getting laid, we will see what I can do"

"Excellent. I fly out the next day so I would prefer a woman with low expectations for commitment" I shot him a glare.

"How can you be such an amazing guy one minute and a complete pig the next?"

"Years of practice"


	28. Chapter 28

The next few days were the best I had had in four weeks. Tim pried me out of bed every morning at promptly 9:00AM. He made breakfast, then dragged me with him on his morning runs. Being in the military for so long, he was used to starting his days with ten mile runs, but he cut me some slack, allowing me to run the first six with him, then I would typically walk the final four while he ran ahead. The exercise cleared my head more than I could have anticipated. There were moments, typically towards the end of my run, where everything fell away, even Callie. I cherished these moments, however brief, because they were truly the only times of my day when I was without pain. Nothing could take Callie's absence away, except infinitesimally small moments when my legs were striking the pavement so hard, I couldn't see, hear or think about anything else.

After these runs, Tim and I would take some time to shower and get ready for our day. He tried to keep me occupied with 'touristy' thinks he wanted to see and do. I knew he had no interest in the space needle or whale watching, but he wanted to keep me busy. I appreciated that, knowing any second I wasn't busy doing something was another second I would spend crying over Callie. I wasn't ready to move on, not yet, not even close. But I knew there would be a time when I would have to.

"Happy fucking birthday! Get your ass up!" I heard Tim yell as I felt a liquid spraying all over me. I licked my lips; champagne, of course. My clock read 9:00AM.

"Are you kidding me?" I said, throwing a pillow at him.

"Sorry, Zona, I thought it would be a cool b-day wake up!" He said, sipping on the little champagne that wasn't sprayed across my room.

"My land lord will love it" I said, eyeing the champagne on the walls.

"Get up! I made breakfast. Then, run time" He said with a smile.

"And after that? I am sure you have a tourist activity that you are just dying to do" I said sarcastically.

"Not today, Zona. Today, we are laying low in preparation for your epic party tonight"

"No no no. No party. I don't want a party" I said. Teddy ran into my room after she had heard me say 'party'.

"Come on, Zona! Just a small thing at Joe's...I already have the back room booked for us" Teddy said.

"Joe's? You really think I want to go to Joe's of all places?" I yelled. Her face fell.

"I didn't really think about it...shit..." Teddy said. "I could cancel..."

"No, no. I'm sorry. It will be fine. I'm sure she won't...No. It's going to be great. Thank you, Teddy." I said, a smile reappearing on her face.

"Good! Because I have already invited like 50 people" She said. I looked to Tim, he shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't even have 50 friends!"

"Well, everyone from my birthday will be there. Plus, a few others in invited from our medical school class" She said, clearly excited about the prospect of meeting new friends. I sighed.

"You invited our _future_ friends? Now that is just creepy, Teds" I said.

"I agree with you, Zona, however, there is going to be a special lady there who has been asking all about you"

Teddy and Tim looked at each other with stupid grins on their faces. Clearly, they had been scheming.

"I don't want anything to do with a 'special lady', you guys. Seriously" I said.

"Oh relax, it's just Leah Murphy. You met her at my birthday party, remember? She has been asking me about you nonstop since that night. I think she thinks you're cute. AND she is going to be in our med school class at UW" Teddy said, smiling at me.

"Since when is Leah gay?" I asked. I swear I remember her dancing with guys at the bar on Teddy's birthday, though it was a fuzzy night. Wait, Leah bought me a drink that night. Crap, I thought she was just being nice.

"Eh, I think she swings both ways" Teddy said.

"Nice, I have a shot! It's on, Zona!" Tim said. Teddy rolled her eyes, exiting the bedroom.

"You can have her" I said to Tim.

"Oh, I will. Even if you were interested, she would choose me anyway" I too rolled my eyes at him.

"Go away" I said.

"Fine. But we are running in 15 minutes. You better be ready!" He said, shutting my door.

I laid back down, letting my warm bed surround me. Tim had awoken me from the best dream I had had in weeks. Lately, my dreams have been variable versions of Callie's last words to me, or Callie getting shot by Mr. Warren before I am able to reach her. Each dream is somehow worse than the previous. However last night, we had been together in our basement bungalow with the candles lit. We were laying under just a sheet, laughing and eating pizza in bed. Laying here in reality, I wish I could remember more. I craved Callie's laugh, her breasts against my back with her arms wrapped around me. The way her eyelashes tickled my chin when she kissed my neck. All of it, every piece of her, I missed. But more than anything, I just wanted to know that she will still out there. I wanted to know if she was happy, if she was okay. Despite everything, the heartbreak she had left me with, I hope she was better off than I had been the last few weeks.

"Zona! You have two minutes! Get your shoes on!" I closed my eyes, allowing for just one more moment for thoughts of Callie, knowing it would never, ever be enough.

xxxxxxxx

"Damn sis, you look good!" Tim said as I came out of my room in a brand new dress. It was a short, light blue summer dress that fit me well, accentuating my waistline and lifting my small breasts just enough to make them look perky. I looked a little too fancy for Joe's, but whatever, it's my birthday.

"Thanks, Tim" I said softly.

"You do look awesome, Arizona" Teddy said. She nudged Henry, who was standing right next to her.

"Um...nice dress" Henry said. Teddy rolled her eyes. It was both pathetic and cute that Henry found himself unable to compliment anyone but Teddy.

"Lets get the shots rolling, eh?" Tim said, starting to pour four tequila shots.

"Might as well..." I said, throwing one back, letting the tequila burn the back of my throat.

"Henry, join me for a cigar?" Tim asked Henry.

"Sure!" He said. Teddy scowled.

"You two better not smell like smoke the rest of the night" Teddy said, but the guys had already walked out onto the porch. Teddy sighed and took her shot.

"I really am proud of you, Arizona. You look a thousand times better today than you have in the last number of weeks. I was really, really worried about you..." Teddy said.

"Well, it was all thanks to you and Tim. I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you. I just...I couldn't function. I still don't know how to function without her..." I threw back another shot in attempt to stop the tears that have come at will over the past weeks.

"Hey, you will be okay. It will take time, but with school starting in two weeks, you will be so busy. We will fall in a routine and soon, you will have some sense of normalcy again. I promise" She said, rubbing my back. I wish I could express to her how little I wanted my life to return to normal; a life before Callie. But, I let it go. This night was as much about Tim and Teddy as it was about me. They needed to know that I was going to be okay so they could stop worrying about me.

"We should get going. Henry! Tim! Let's go!" Teddy yelled. Tim and Henry reappeared from he porch, clearly buzzed from their cigar.

"Let's go have some fun!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Per usual, Joe's was packed with people the entire night. Teddy and Tim had set up an area for everyone they invited towards the back of the bar. There was food and beer galore. Most of our friends came a little after nine and stayed until bar close. I chatted with everyone, thanked them for coming, accepted drinks when they were offered. I tried to stay as bubbly and birthday-girl-positive as I could have, for Teddy and Tim. But what I really felt like doing was sitting at the front of the bar, alone. I wanted to sit and get drunk and not have to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pretend like I was the drunk, happy birthday girl. Because in my heart of hearts, I wasn't.

By 1:00AM, people were starting to clear out. I had danced with Tim long enough for him to find a cute blonde woman to take home. He looked happy as a clam as he walked out of the bar with her, giving me the thumbs up, our signal that we were really scoring tonight. Teddy was passed out in Henry's lap by 12:30. Shortly after that, he took her home and I made my way to the front of the bar and ordered myself a martini.

In my half drunk state, I prayed Callie would show up. I wished she would show up and tell me that she had made a big mistake, that letting me go was the worst idea she had ever had. Then we could go to her fancy ass hotel suite and make love and talk and figure this all out. I wanted that more than anything. But every time I looked to the door, or looked around the bar searching for her big brown eyes, Callie was not there. So I kept drinking my martini, letting the alcohol consume me.

"Is this seat taken?"

For a moment, I let myself pretend it was Callie. But I knew, even after a month without her, that it was not her voice, not her touch that grazed my shoulder. I turned to see that it was in fact, Leah Murphy.

"No, it's all yours" I said, really not wanting to make small talk. I turned away from her, finishing my martini and waving down the bartender for another.

"So, this is how you end your birthday? Sitting alone at the bar, drinking martini after martini?" She asked. I wished then that I wasn't intoxicated so I could come up with a clever line back to her. But I really had nothing. So I just nodded. She laughed and ordered herself a beer.

"Why do I get the feeling you would rather be sitting next to a boulder right now than talking to me?" She asked. I shrugged. I didn't want to lie to her; I would rather be sitting next to a large rock right now. Anything, really, that didn't question my motives and drinking habits.

"I just...don't have much to say I guess" I said.

"Oh, I think you have plenty to say. You just have to find the right person to say it to" She said, resting her hand on my knee.

"Are you flirting with me?" I asked bluntly. I left her hand on my knee.

"Forgive my drunken boldness, but yes, I am" She said. I gave her a small smile, taking another large sip of my drink.

"For the record." She said, "I would flirt with you soberly, too"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I definitely would" She said.

Feeling her inching closer to me, my body tensed, rejecting the abrupt moves she was putting on me. She laughed softly, noticing my discomfort.

"Look, I am not trying to creep you out or make you uncomfortable. From what I have heard, you have been going through something lately. I don't know what or who hurt you, but I want you to know that I think you're beautiful"

I felt myself flush.

"And if you're interested in spending your birthday night with someone other than your brother and his booty call, finish your drink and meet me outside in three minutes" Leah said, leaving enough cash for both of our drinks.

I sighed, my head now swimming with two dry martinis, as well as the numerous other drinks from the night. The thought of going home with someone other than Callie made me physically sick. But what the hell, a nice, pretty girl was hitting on me. Why couldn't I be happy about that? Why couldn't I just go home with her? Callie was not coming and she was never coming. Why would she? I was nothing to her. I felt the anger rising up my throat. I hated Callie. I hated that she had turned me into this person who moped around all of the time. I hated that I had become a shell of the person I once was. I hated that I couldn't even enjoy my own fucking birthday party because I missed her so much. I hated that despite everything she put me through, I still wanted her so desperately I felt like I couldn't breathe. Most of all, I hated that I could never hate her. I hated that I would always love her. She would always have a hold on me.

So, I grabbed my coat, walked out of the door and grabbed Leah's hand.

"Let's get out of here."


	29. Chapter 29

Loving your comments. Clearly, many of you are invested in this story, which is awesome! For the Callie lovers out there-don't worry. She will be back (sooner rather than later :))

xxxxxxx

I woke up the next morning naked, with a headache, in an unfamiliar bed. Shit, I was really making a habit out of this behavior.

Suddenly, the memories began to trickle back into my mind. Leah. The cab. Coming back to her apartment. Hastily kissing and stripping our clothes off. Falling back into bed, Leah on top of me. Feeling like it was all so wrong, hating the way she touched me, the way she held me. Closing my eyes and seeing Callie. Oh Callie...and crying. Oh the crying. Leah trying to comfort me and getting nothing but the cold shoulder. It couldn't have been that bad...right?

Leah was still asleep beside me. This was good, I thought. I could quietly get dressed and sneak out. Just as I began to shift out of bed, I heard her rustle in bed beside me.

"Hey you. Where are you going?" Leah asked, already sitting up in bed.

"I should really get going. My brother is flying out in three hours and I have to get him to the airport" I said as I put my clothes back on. God, this was so awkward. How had things never been so uncomfortable with Callie?

"Let me drive you home. Please. My car is just down the street" She said. Why did she have to be so nice? Why couldn't she have just pretended she was sleeping while I snuck out'?

"Please, Arizona. Your apartment is at least five miles from here" She said. She did have a point...

"Ok. Thanks" She smiled. At least I hadn't ruined her night badly enough to never speak to me again. We got dressed and walked to her car. Her car was like mine, at least 8 years old, well used but taken care of. Though, it was a far cry from Callie's Mercedes...

"Look, I am sorry about last night. I was really drunk. And like you said, I have been going through...stuff and I probably wasn't ready to get naked with a stranger" I said.

"It's really okay, Arizona. I am sorry if I pushed or pressured you..."

"No, no. It's nothing like that. I just...I feel like I was using you to prove to myself that I could be a person again" I said, the words flying out of my mouth before I could filter them. I saw her eyes drop in disappointment.

"I'm sorry. That came out rude and I didn't intend it to..."

"Again, it's okay. I have had fair warning" She said simply. She pulled up to my apartment building.

"Well, thanks for the ride. I'm sorry, again, for all of this" I said, stepping out of the car.

"Please, stop saying sorry. I would do it again" She said with a small smile. I nodded, shutting the door of the car.

"Arizona!" She yelled, rolling her window down.

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't really know me. But I'm here, if you ever want to talk. Or not talk. I just...I think you are beautiful. And I know I said that last night but I wanted you to hear it again. It seems like you haven't heard enough of that lately" I smiled, looking Leah in the eye. She really was a sweet girl. She didn't set my heart on fire or make my stomach flip whenever she spoke, but she was good. I needed more goodness in my life.

Maybe we aren't meant to be with the ones we love so much. Maybe my love for Callie was too much, too consuming. Was it always destined to destroy me?

"I'll see you around" I said.

xxxxx

"So you went home with Leah huh? Nice!" Tim exclaimed as I walked into the apartment. Teddy, Tim and Henry were sitting at the kitchen table, beaming at me like proud parents.

"Why do I feel ambushed every time I walk in my front door?" I asked.

"So, you did, you did go home with her. Right?" Teddy asked, practically squealing.

"Yes, but we didn't, you know, have sex" I said. Tim frowned.

"Why not?" Tim asked. I struggled, trying to keep my cool.

"You started crying, didn't you?" Tim said.

"What are you, a fucking mind reader?" I asked.

"Ha! So you did cry" He said. I nodded in shame. Teddy and Henry looked at me like with pity in their eyes.

"But she was cool about it! I even tried to sneak out this morning and she didn't pretend to be sleeping! She drove me home"

"Well, that's something, right?" Teddy said hopefully.

"I guess. Whatever. I am not really interested" I said.

"You should give her a chance, Arizona. She is really nice. And funny. And she is going to be in our med school class! Things with her would be so easy. You don't have to freaking marry her, just spend some time with her" Teddy said. I wasn't in the mood to argue; I nodded in agreement.

"Enough about me, Tim, how was your night with the hot blonde?" I asked.

"Awesome. She was a total babe" He said.

"I'm assuming by that stupid smile plastered on your face that you got laid?" I asked.

"Actually, no. The Robbins siblings went 0 for 2 last night"

"Wow, you must have actually liked her" I said. He scoffed.

"Maybe I could, but I am leaving today and probably won't be back for a few months. Speaking of leaving, we should get going, Zona. I have a plane to catch"

"Already? I was just getting used to having you around"

"Yeah, duty calls. I'll be back in a few months. I am starting a new job on a military base tomorrow so I have to get my feet wet there before I make another visit. Unless you spiral into another black hole of depression, in which case I will make an exception" Tim said.

"Aw, you're the best, Tim" I said. I was really dreading him leaving. I would probably still be in bed if he hadn't come to visit. He was the one person who could cheer me up, no matter what the circumstances. He had that effect on people.

"Don't mention it. Bullshitting aside, I am always here for you sis!" He said with a big smile.

"You siblings are just too cute" Teddy said sarcastically.

"Oh shut it. Let's go, Tim, before one of us collapses into a puddle of emotions"


	30. Chapter 30

After Tim left, I had to start getting ready for medical school. Days spent crying in bed were no longer an option. Yet, there wasn't a minute of the day that Callie wasn't on my mind. I longed to see her again, to know definitively that she was happy and healthy. There were days when I was so desperate to have some sort of contact, however minimal, I drove to the hospital just to see her car parked where it always was. There were a few instances when I had an email written to April, the head medical scribe at Seattle Grace, to see who had taken my place. I never sent these emails. It was just too painful. I hated the thought of someone replacing me, even if it was just as her scribe. I missed her, every day, I missed her. But by the time my first day of medical school had rolled around, I was used to going about my day with the constant ache in the center of my chest.

Since my birthday, I had seen Leah a handful of times. I kept her at an arm's length, knowing she had much stronger feelings for me than I had, or would ever have, with her. Leah cherished the time I spent with her, while I more or less was looking to fill a void that Callie had left within me. When we slept together, it was always after we had been drinking. It was enjoyable enough, but we weren't physically in sync like Callie and I had been. I missed the way Callie seemed to know my body and what I wanted better than even I did. Despite all of this, Leah was good in the truest sense of the word. She was kind, funny and treated me like I was the greatest person on the face of the earth. Her presence in my left also kept Teddy off my back. She stopped worrying about me so much, which was half the battle at this point. Knowing that someone else was worried about me constantly was almost more tiresome than the ache I felt in Callie's absence. It made me feel like I should be trying harder to get over Callie, to forget what we had. The thought of forgetting Callie, or becoming apathetic of her in any way, was as heart wrenching as losing her. Putting Calliope Torres out ofmy mind was not something I was ready to do.

"Welcome to your first day of medical school. This year, we had over 4,000 applicants to the University of Washington Medical School and accepted a mere 300 of you. There are 170 first year medical students in this year's class. This first week of school will include orientation of the facilities and lectures regarding you expected duties and coursework. You will be assigned a physician mentor tomorrow based on your interests, which you should write down on the sheet of paper in front of you. You will start your course work next week. Your first semester classes will include Histology, Anatomy and Biochemistry. You will have Histology and Biochemistry every morning, while Anatomy will occur every afternoon, lecture Monday Wednesday Friday, Labs on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Students typically spend 4-5 hours after class studying. The vast majority of exams will occur on Fridays. Are there any questions? We will obviously go into greater detail as this week goes on, but I wanted to give you a brief summary of what to expect" The medical school dean stated. Teddy was sitting to my left, Leah to my right, in a large auditorium in the medical school. Surrounding me were my fellow medical school classmates, nearly all of whom were vigorously writing down every word our dean said. I, on the other hand, made a mental note of our schedule and tuned out the rest.

"Aren't you going to write down any of your interests?" Teddy whispered to me, pointing to the piece of paper in front of me.

"What interests? Like hobbies?" I asked.

"No, dumbass, your specific interests in medicine. For example, I am writing down cardiology and surgery. Leah is probably writing down psychiatry or family medicine. Just write something down before you get stuck with a geriatric doctor or something" She said, turning her paper in.

This seemed like too big of a deal to be deciding now. I had obviously thought about what kind of doctor I wanted to be...but to choose something now and be stuck with the same mentor for four years? It seemed like quite the commitment. Before I could ever think about writing anything, Teddy had stolen my paper and written 'surgery, pediatrics, women's health' and passed the paper to the front of the room.

"WHAT THE HELL!" I whispered coarsely in her ear.

"Everyone had passed their papers up 5 minutes ago while you were daydreaming. You like surgery, you are really good with kids despite your apathy towards them and you like vagina. It seemed like those three interests would get you a decent mentor" She said, patting me on the back as everyone began to exit the room. Apparently, we had been dismissed for lunch.

"If I get stuck with a weirdo gynecologist, I am going to the dean and telling him that you sabotaged my mentor choices" I said.

"Right, like the dean of medicine is going to care that you didn't get the mentor of your choice. Good luck with that" Teddy said.

xxxxxxxxxx

The following day, I found out my mentor for the next four years was none other than Dr. Addison Montgomery. Despite the fact that she was Callie's friend, I was excited to be matched with her. Dr. Montgomery was not only a world renowned OBGYN, she was one of the only maternal-fetal surgeons in the Pacific Northwest. It turns out Teddy knew a thing or two about my interests.

"I can't believe you matched with THE Dr. Montgomery. Just from scribing, I heard she is incredible, an obstetrics legend even" Leah said, putting her hand on my knee. Leah had asked if she could come over after our first day of real classes. She was apparently 'confused' by the material we went over today, though everything we covered was pretty much undergraduate biology 101. Her ability to find any excuse possible to spend time with me was cute, though somewhat unsettling. I felt like I made no efforts with her and yet there she was, looking at me like I had descended from the heavens.

"Yeah, I feel pretty lucky. I've met her before. She seems like a cool person. Which doctor did you match with?"

"Eh, you wouldn't know him. He's a family medicine doctor at the clinic down the street from the hospital" Leah said.

"Oh" I said, not knowing what else to say. Family medicine, or primary care in general, was not something that had ever interested me. The rush of acute care and surgery was what got me up in the morning, especially when those mornings began at 3:30AM. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

"He is a good doctor from what I have heard" Leah said, pausing briefly, "After scribing for a surgeon for a year, I have come to realize that the OR isn't for me. I see myself as a clinician" Leah said.

"Well, the OR isn't for everyone I guess. We need primary care doctors too" I said as cheerfully as possible. She nodded, biting her lip.

"Is Teddy here?" She asked, clearly nervous.

"No...why?"

"I just thought we could talk...about us" She said softly.

I felt my gaze drop, avoiding her eye contact. I was not ready for his, at all. What Leah and I had was super casual, even fun at times. I enjoyed being around her. But to date her, make her my girlfriend? No, definitely not now, maybe not ever. It was hard to think about anyone that seriously anymore...not after Callie.

"Look, Leah...you're great. But..." I started to say, but she put her hand up, cutting me off.

"Stop right there. I am not asking you to make any commitments to me. I am well aware that you aren't ready for that. But I just wanted to let you know, again, that I really do like you. And when you're ready, if you are ever ready, I will be here. I just want you to know where I stand before we get completely consumed in medical school" She said with a small smile. I took her hand in mine; it was clammy with nervousness. It made me feel bad, guilty almost, how nervous I made her. All the while, I sat here, hardly phased by anything she said.

"You're great, Leah. In fact, you are great for me. I just need more time. I wish I was ready to be with you, or anyone for that matter, but I just...I can't. Not now" I said. She nodded, only slightly disappointed.

"I better get going. I will see you tomorrow" She said, kissing my cheek. I watched her leave and locked the door behind her. Whenever Leah left, I felt like I could palpate the disappointment lingering in the air. Despite what she said about her willingness to wait for me until I was "ready", I knew she would grow tired of the waiting game soon enough. She was a young, good looking medical student. She shouldn't have to wait around for some loser hung up on her former boss. Nor did I want her to, I wasn't ready to progress to the point where anyone could become a part of me like Callie did.

 _Calliope._ It had been almost ten weeks since I had seen her. These ten weeks had passed more slowly than any others in my life, especially those first three she was gone. I felt like my life had been in a stand still then. At least now I had school to take my mind off her once in a while. Yet everything continues to remind me of her. Today at lunch, the special at the medical school cafe was orange chicken. I couldn't help but think back to those first weeks of working with Callie, when I was just getting to know her. She hated Asian food. She thought it all tasted the same. I missed those simple moments when everything I learned about her was fascinating.

I wished I felt that way about Leah. I wished I wanted to know everything about her. I wished I wanted to spend my time getting to know her. Life would be so much easier if I felt towards her the way I feel about Callie.

I laid down in bed, exhausted by my first day of classes and the general craziness of my relationship, or lack thereof, situation. Nighttime was the time I allowed myself to think about Callie, I was alone. Sure going about my daily life was getting easier. I was now able to compartmentatlize my feelings of loss over Callie. But at night, I allowed myself to indulge in how much I missed her, how deeply I longed for her. I let it consume me completely. In a way, it felt good to succumb to thoughts of Callie. It reminded me of how incredible life, and loss, could be.

Tonight, I let my mind wander back to the second to last time we made love. We were in an on-call room in between afternoon surgeries and only had 20 minutes before we had to scrub in and prep for a hip reduction and fixation. I stripped her of her scrubs faster than she could get the door closed, surely flashing a surgical tech or two that were walking by. She tossed me onto the bed; she was so strong from years of ortho surgeries that she could barely lift a finger and I would be halfway across the room. I pulled her down on top of me, slipping out of my scrubs. For a moment, we just laid there, naked, on top of one another. Both of us breathless, holding one another. She rolled off of me onto the other side of the very small bed. I thought we might just lie there, spooning. I would have been happy with that and I had the feeling she would have been too. The way she held me closely, it was possessive, like she would have done anything to keep me there with her. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry I was so utterly happy. I had the most beautiful, talented woman in the universe holding me in her arms. The rest of it, her marriage, the infancy of my medical career, was secondary to the intensity of the love between us. Just as I was about to turn around and tell her the great joy she brought to my life and how deeply in love with her I would forever be, she reached her hand down between my legs and entered two fingers into me. I gasped, grinding my ass into her crotch, making her moan in pleasure. The rest is a blur, hands were everywhere and I was in sensory overload. I remember cumming shortly after we had started. Neither of us ever lasted long, we were far too in sync with one another's desires. When I turned to look at her after, I remember her giving me the biggest, glowing smile. Her hair was wild, her eye make up was smudged. But she was just so incredibly beautiful; it took my breath away. Every time.

And here come the tears, the sobs, the uncontrollable chest heaves that always come with the recollection of these memories. That look she had on her face, lying in bed with me after smutty on call sex. I can't get it out of my head. How did we go from that to this so quickly? In those moments together, we had everything.

I feel myself crumple into a ball underneath my comforter and wonder if this will ever get easier. If there will ever be a day that goes by in the rest of my life that I am not wearing for Calliope Torres.


	31. Chapter 31

"Are you ready for our first day of anatomy lab?!" Teddy asked as we walked into the basement of the medical school where the anatomy lab was held. She was practically bouncing off the walls. Like me, Teddy shared my passion for surgery, for cutting someone open in an effort to heal. She has been talking about anatomy, particularly anatomy lab, for the last month.

"Can't wait" I said, sipping my coffee.

"Oh! Leah is sitting at the front table. Let's grab the seats next to her" She said gleefully. I followed her to the table mindlessly. I wanted to tell her that in the long term, sitting next to Leah would cause problems for me down the road, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Hey guys!" Leah said as we sat down next to her.

"Hey Leah! Do you know who our professor is for this lab?" Teddy asked.

"No, but I heard it was a last minute switch, someone new" She said, opening her iPad. I heard the door open in the back of the room. My heart instantly dropped. Without even looking, I knew who our professor was, who made the "last minute switch for someone new". I felt her, as she breezed past me to the lecture podium. I heard Teddy gasp when she realized who our professor would be for the semester. I kept my eyes down, in complete and utter disbelief. I couldn't look up; I couldn't confirm what I already knew to be true.

"Hey, isn't that your old boss?" Leah whispered to me. I couldn't answer. I felt faint, still unwilling to look up and see her standing there. I gripped my chair, praying I wouldn't fall out of my seat.

"Good morning and welcome to anatomy lab. My name is Dr. Torres. I am a orthopedic surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. I will be your anatomy lab professor for the semester" She stopped abruptly; I felt her eyes on me. I imagined her standing there, gawking at me, unwilling to believe that it was I sitting there. She cleared her throat and continued on.

"Today, we are going to go over the basics. The rules of the lab, the tools and a few different cuts that will allow you to best utilize your cadavers. Alright, one person from each table head to the back room and get your cadaver. They are on carts, so just wheel them over and your table mates can help you transfer them onto the table correctly"

"Leah, go" Teddy hissed. She then elbowed me.

"Arizona, don't lose your shit, but you need to look up. Right now" I took a deep breath and slowly lifted my eyes. There she was, my Callie, standing less than thirty feet from me. She had cut her hair, short, similar to mine. How predictable, that both of us responded the same after the end of our relationship. But what I didn't notice until that moment, when I stopped looking at her shorter hair and her eyes cast downwards, was that Callie, the woman I loved, was pregnant.

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The rest of class, I just sat there, staring at her. I didn't take notes, I didn't look at her elegantly put together power point slides or even listen to what she was saying. She didn't make eye contact with me, not once. But I couldn't look away. How could she be pregnant? Only ten weeks had gone by since I had seen her...yet she was visibly pregnant, maybe five months along? My mind spun; how had this happened? How had I just realized this?

"Arizona, she dismissed us, it's time to go" Leah said, nudging me out of my trance.

"Right, sorry" I said.

"Are you okay? You didn't take any notes the entire class..." Leah said quietly as we gathered our things.

"Yeah. Yeah I am fine" I said.

"You can borrow my notebook later, if you need it" She said. I offered her a small smile and looked around. Our classmates were shuffling out of the doors.

"Arizona Robbins, may I speak to you in my office?" Callie announced, gesturing to the small office towards the back of the lab.

I stared at her, while everyone else was staring at me, probably wondering what I could have possibly done to earn a one on one meeting with our anatomy lab professor on the first day of class. I felt Leah take my hand and give it a small squeeze.

"I will see you later" Leah said, walking out of class with Teddy. Teddy stuck her tongue out at Callie behind her back as she walked out the door. I couldn't help but laugh. This was all so ridiculous. Callie wasn't supposed to be here. I figured I would run into her sometime in the hospital during my 3rd or 4th year clerkships, but now? And she was pregnant? How had this happened? Sure, I had maybe noticed a couple extra pounds on her towards the end...but pregnant? No, no way did she ever look pregnant. But I also had assumed she wasn't sleeping with men. Maybe I had been ignoring what was right in front of me.

When everyone had left the room, Callie waved me back to her office. I followed in step behind her. I still couldn't believe this was happening. After all this time, all I wanted was to see her again, to know she was okay. And now that it was right in front of me, I wanted nothing more than to run far away from her, from this situation.

"Arizona, what are you doing here?" She said hurriedly, sitting down behind her desk.

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here! I told you I had been accepted to this medical school"

"Yes, but I told you to go to Hopkins... your parents wanted you to go to Hopkins..."

"I had accepted my spot here weeks before you told me to go to Hopkins. Did you really think I was going to fly to Hopkins just because you told me to? You are unbelievable..."I yelled angrily.

"I'm sorry okay? I just thought if I had ended whatever was between us, you would have no other reason to stay here. I thought you would go there and be successful and amazing and perfect...and find a way to be happy" She lowered her eyes and rubbed her temples. She always did this when she was upset or thinking about something that bothered her.

"You thought I was just going to fly away and be happy? Just like that? Are you kidding me? I was miserable, for weeks. I am still miserable because of how things ended between us. But I was moving on. I was starting to figure things out and here you are! Not only that, you're pregnant?! Calliope, what the hell happened? How did this happen?" I said hysterically.

"I never meant for this to happen. Owen and I slept together, once, since I had met you...It was after you had left me in your office that day you saw us kiss. I was lonely and desperate and upset and needed something, any connection to someone other than you" Callie said, trailing off.

"Arizona, I can't believe you are here. I thought you were gone. I really did. I thought you were on the other side of the country. I certainly never expected to be your teacher. None of this was easy for me either..." Callie said desperately. I just shook my head, feeling the tears welling in my eyes.

"I found out I was pregnant the day of that baby shower I dragged you to. I had missed my period for a couple months...but I had been under a lot of pressure, working a lot, and didn't think anything of it. When I found out, I panicked and did what I thought made sense. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, Arizona." She started choking up and took a moment to compose herself.

"I took this job because I wanted to cut back on surgery and teach. I needed a change. I was sick of going into surgery and not having you by my side. And I figured it would be good to rest before the baby came. I have always wanted to teach, I had told you I was offered a job here..."

"Yeah, you mentioned it like, twice, I thought it was just...something you had wanted to try in the future, not a job you were going to take within months!" I said.

"I'm sorry..." She said softly.

"And why didn't you tell me about the baby! Did you think I was just going to up and leave because of that?"

"I didn't know, Arizona. Owen was so excited when I told him...I was writing up divorce papers before I found out..."

"Fuck Owen. I am so sick of you thinking about no one but yourself and Owen. What about me? One day, you find out you're pregnant and the next you leave me in the dust? Even worse, you assumed I would just be fine and fly across the country to the next best thing just because you said so? After everything that had happened between us? Is that all you think you were to me?" She shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes.

"How far along are you?" I mumbled.

"22 weeks, today" She whispered.

I believed her, she looked like a first time mother at 22 weeks. Showing just enough to know she was pregnant but not hugely so. It had been 22 weeks since Teddy's birthday, if I was doing my math right. Callie must have sensed that I was doing the mental math.

"I wouldn't like to you about this Arizona" She said. I nodded, believing her. I looked, meeting her gaze. She was as beautiful as I had ever seen her, her skin glowing with those pregnancy hormones everyone always talked bout.

"Are you happy?" I asked, my voice cracking. Tears ran down my cheeks.

"Yes" She whispered. Good, I thought, that is all I needed to know. I stood up from my chair and unlocked the door.

"I'll see you next class" I said.

"Arizona, wait" She said, coming up behind me. I felt her belly graze my back. She took step back, but rested her hand on my hand that was on the door knob. The chemistry between us was tangible; it has been so long since I had felt her touch.

"I missed you, so much" She whispered into my ear. I almost let go. I almost let myself fall back into her. Until reality slapped me in the face again, the cruelty of losing her, the reminder of the pain I felt when I lost her.

"Please...don't. Please leave me alone. This hurts too much. I can't go through this again" I pleaded with her. With that, I opened the door and ran out of the building.


	32. Chapter 32

Ahh! The comment section exploded after this chapter; I love it. Thank you all so much.

Callie is officially back, yay!

As for the sarcastic 'guest' posters that are wondering if I am a Leah fan or ANTI-Callie...Anyone who reads this story _**carefully**_ should fully realize that this is a Calzona fanfic. Of course, there are going to be supporting characters, as there is with ANY story, but this story in particular revolves around Arizona and her relationship with Callie. I love love love Callie Torres and everything her character represents. Readers have to realize that she is a human being, who has flaws, and is not going to make the right decisions 100%, or even 50%, of the time. Find the beauty in both Callie AND Arizona's flaws. At the very least try to recognize that flaws are what make people who they are, for better or worse!

Enough of my rambling. Here's another chapter. Enjoy :)

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Teddy was waiting for me in her car. She drove me home in silence, waiting for me to spill the contents of my conversation with Callie. I'm sure she was as shocked as I was to see Callie there, pregnant no less. As she put the car in park in front of our apartment, she could hold back no longer.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I tried to be polite for a little while. But I have to know. What the hell did Callie say to you? Was she apologetic? Did she want you back? Did she make you quit the program? WHAT HAPPENED?" She exclaimed. I rolled by eyes at her.

"Teddy, chill out. She just said that she didn't expect to see me there" I mumbled.

"And you said?" She asked

"Basically the same thing" I said. Teddy frowned.

"You know what I hate about all of this? You look happier today than I have seen you in the last two, almost three, months" She said.

"Oh please. I do not"

"YES, you do. Even though you have your stupid mopey slash shocked face on, your eyes are bright again. You aren't walking around like you have 50 pound weights strapped to your back. And the fact that you're being secretive about your conversation with her means you're protecting her which means you have hope again"

"I do NOT have hope. Believe me, I saw her pregnant belly just like you did" I said, slouching in the car seat.

"It makes me feel so much better than you are dismissing your chances with Callie just because she is pregnant. Not because she is married, or because she is now our professor and a high ranking surgeon at the hospital we will be working at for the next seven years, or even because she literally told you to move across the country away from her. All of which left you devastated, lower than I have ever seen a person in my life. No...it's just the baby that is keeping you away. Great" Teddy said, getting out of the car and slamming the door.

"Teddy, wait" I said, chasing after her. I grabbed her arm and turned her around.

"Look" I said "I don't like this either. This whole situation is complicated beyond comprehension. I can't help that when I am around Callie, even when we aren't talking to each other, I feel better. I don't want to feel better! I want so much to hate her! But...we are like magnets. I know, it's literally the cheesiest analogy ever, but it's true. We are drawn to one another in a way that I can't even begin to understand, much less explain to you. It doesn't mean we are together in any way...it's just...the way we are. The way we have always been. But I am going to try to ignore her because I can't go through what I did these last few weeks and I sure as hell don't want to put you through that again" I said. Teddy sighed, taking my hand.

"She has this hold on you, Zona. It scares me, your feelings towards her. I just want you to be happy" Teddy said. I pulled her into a hug, overwhelmed with gratitude. Like many of us in this situation, she deserved so much better.

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The next two week of classes came and went. With Teddy's help, Callie and I hardly looked at one another, much less spoke to one another.

Despite this and the dramatic conversation we had after the first class, I felt better now that Callie was around me again. It didn't make sense, given the fact that she had ripped my heart out and now I had to see her two afternoons a week. But for whatever reason, just having her in my life, even if it wasn't the way either of us wanted, felt better than not having her at all.

During our sixth lab session, three weeks after classes had started, I noticed Callie was pacing back and forth incessantly. She lectured for a few minutes at the beginning of the lab, then paced. Back and forth, in the front of her classroom, to the office, between students, she paced. She answered questions, but only with minimal responses. Usually, she gave long, drawn out explanations to any questions we asked. Not today. I am sure no one noticed these slight disturbances in her behavior, but they were as obvious as night and day to me. She was anxious about something. I tried to remind myself that it wasn't my business and that I needed to stay out of it. But I felt that all too familiar pull to her, to ask her what was wrong, to make sure she was okay. When lab was over and the time came to leave, I just couldn't get myself to leave that classroom.

"Leah, Teddy, you guys go on. I am going to review some of this material. I couldn't get myself to remember the brachial plexus for some reason" I said. Teddy glared at me, knowing something was up.

"Do you want me to stay back and help you out?" Leah asked.

"No, seriously, I got it. I think I just need some one on one cadaver time. Thank you, though" I said in the nicest tone possible.

"Okay, well I will see you later tonight then" Leah said. Teddy followed behind her, then turned back to me.

"You may have Leah fooled, but I know you had the brachial plexus memorized our first day of class. Don't be an idiot" She whispered in my hear.

"You coming Teddy?" Leah asked.

"Yep! Bye Arizona! Remember what I said" She said, chasing after Leah.

I sighed; Callie was now chewing on her left thumb nail, pacing in front of her office again. Teddy was right, I was an idiot. I shouldn't be hanging around to check on Callie. Yet, here I was.

When everyone had left lab except Callie and I, I turned towards her.

"Are you..." I started to say before she cut me off.

"I'm bleeding" She blurted out.

"Ok...bleeding from where?" I asked.

"Down there" She said, pointing sheepishly towards her crotch.

"Callie, I am a medical student, you are a surgeon and on top of that, we have slept together. You can say that you have vaginal bleeding without getting all weird" I said.

"I know, I know...I just..."

"You're freaking out"

"I'm freaking out" She said with panic in her eyes.

"How much?"

"Just some spotting" She said.

"You know mild bleeding is normal in pregnancy" I said.

"I know"

"And you know at 25 weeks, risk of miscarriage is extremely low"

"I know" She said. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. I put my hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look at me.

"Look at me, Calliope. You and baby are going to be just fine. You know the chances of a little spotting becoming something serious at 25 weeks is very minimal. Who is your OBGYN?"

"Addison Montgomery" She said. Of course she is, I thought.

"Perfect! Let's call her. It's not even 5 o clock yet. I bet she would examine you and do an ultrasound today if you called her right now" I said.

"I feel stupid" Callie said, looking ashamed.

"You're not stupid, Callie. You have the right to be concerned. I'll call her for you, okay? And we can go see her together. She is my 'physician mentor' now and I haven't formally met her yet" I said.

"Really? You'll come with me?" She asked.

"Uh...Yeah, if you want me to. Unless you're going to call Owen or..."

"No, Owen is in surgery until later tonight..." She trailed off briefly, tears welling in her eyes, "I really don't want to be alone"

"Hey, you are not alone. This is going to be no big deal, okay? I promise. Come on, I will drive you" I said.


	33. Chapter 33

When we got to the OBGYN floor of the hospital, Addison was there waiting for us with an exam room ready.

"You could have called me yourself, you know" Addison said with her arms crossed, propping the door open for us.

"i felt stupid. I still feel stupid" Callie said. Addison and I locked eyes, smirking at one another.

"Well, this should be a good learning experience for Arizona, at the very least. Come in, let's get you set up for a pelvic exam" She said as she shooed us into the exam room.

"I don't have to stay" I whispered to Callie as we walked into the room.

"Please, stay. I want you to" She whispered back to me as she got into the chair. I nodded to her and she gave me a small smile as she slipped into her gown and out of her pants.

"Alright, Callie, you know the drill. Put one leg in each stir up and spread them wide" Addison said. I pulled a stool over and sat by Callie's side.

"Arizona, I would let you take a look, but I am guessing you don't want your former boss and professor's vagina etched into your memory" Addison said. Callie instantly flushed.

"Probably not" I said. If only she knew...

For a moment, Addison disappeared between Callie's legs. She was likely checking to make sure Callie's cervix was still closed. If it wasn't, that was a bad sign, though not necessarily fatal for the baby.

"Your cervix is closed. There are no signs of anything serious going on. I see the bleeding you are talking about, but it is minimal. Likely just residual blood from some minor irritation or injury. Maybe a uterine fibroid. But, nothing to worry about" Addison said. A look of relief washed over Callie's face and to my surprise, I felt as equally relieved.

"Should we do an ultrasound quick? Just to see baby's heart beat and what not?" Addison asked.

"Yes" I blurted out. Callie smiled at me, nodding in agreement.

"I figured as much" She said, applying the ultrasound jelly onto Callie's plump low abdomen.

"You have an interest in obstetrics, Arizona?" Addison asked.

"Yes, I do. I haven't made any decisions about a specialty yet obviously, but obstetrics is high on my list" I said.

"What else is on your list?" Addison asked, turning on the ultrasound machine.

"Well, I have always been interested in surgery..."

"OBGYN is a surgical specialty, sprinkled with primary care, of course. I should have you come in some time and watch me perform an in-utero surgery. Would that be something you're interested in?" She asked.

"Absolutely" I said.

"Great. I have heard nothing but good things about you, Arizona. The University of Washington was thrilled to hear you were joining their class this fall. And obviously, Callie has spoken very highly of you. Believe me when I say that I have heard first hand how intelligent you are" Addison said.

"I'm just happy to be here, Dr. Montgomery" I said confidently. Addison smiled and I felt Callie's eyes on me. Addison began manuevering the ultrasound wand, searching for the baby's heart beat. I could feel Callie's anticipation radiating off of her.

"Do you hear that?" Addison asked. Suddenly, I heard the quiet whooshing sound of the baby's heart beat. Addison showed us the ultrasound machine screen, pointing out the baby's head. For a moment, I heard nothing but the quiet whoosh of that baby's heart, the realization coming over me that that was Callie's child in there. I felt a smile spread across my face...a heart beat, a child, Callie's child.

"Oh my god" I said softly, overwhelmed with emotions, unexpected tears forming in my eyes. Callie locked eyes with me; she was beaming.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Addison said, interrupting our trance. I cleared my throat, trying to rid my head of the endorphins and emotions that had washed over me.

"It is" I said simply and softly.

"Are you sure you want to wait for the birth to know the gender?" Addison asked.

"Yes! I want it to be a surprise!" Callie said.

"Fair enough" Addison said. "I have one more patient to see so I have to go. Take all the time you need to change and clean up"

"Thanks again, Addy" Callie said.

"Don't mention it. I will see you both very soon" Addison said, shutting the door behind her. Silence fell between Callie and I. The intimacy of the moment we shared, seeing her child together for the first time, lingered between us.

"Let me get you a towel to wipe up with" I said, opening the cabinets in search of a hand towel.

"Thanks" She said after I handed her a wash cloth. I watched her gently was off her lower abdomen, as if she could hurt the baby if she wiped too forcefully.

"She is kicking" Callie said quietly, "Do you want to feel?"

Unsure at first, I met her gaze. She took my hand and placed it near her belly button. I felt it, the soft vibration. It took my breath away. How incredible to feel something so alive, growing within Callie.

"She?" I asked.

"Just a gut feeling" Callie whispered to me. I nodded, holding my hand in place beneath Callie's, waiting for another kick.

"She's amazing" I said softly. I felt Callie shift her hand, webbing her fingers into mine. I looked up at Callie, her eyes were soft, loving. She leaned towards me, our foreheads mere inches apart. I closed my eyes, waiting for our lips to connect. Suddenly, the door flew open and we separated in milliseconds.

"Callie! Is everything okay?!" Owen asked, kissing Callie on the top of her head. My stomach churned.

"Yep, just a little bleeding. Addison said there was nothing to worry about" Callie said. There was an apology in her eyes. I turned away.

"Oh good. Don't want anything to happen to our little man" Owen said, I looked back at Callie, confused.

"Owen is convinced the baby is a boy" Callie explained. I nodded.

"Thanks for covering for me, again. Hope medical school is going well for you" Owen said to me.

"It is" I said.

"Good. Well, we better get going Callie. Good to see you Arizona" Owen said, shooing Callie out the door.

"Likewise" I said.

Just like that, they were gone, leaving me standing alone in Addison's office. The loneliness washed over me again. Seeing Callie's baby for the first time made this entire situation so real. I didn't expect to feel so much...love. I never wanted kids, yet here I was in complete adoration of this unborn child. I expected to resent the baby for coming between Callie and I, for it forced Callie to choose between us. But seeing her (or him, I guess) for the first time was similar to how I felt when I saw Callie for the first time. It stunned me, changed me.

This was too much. This wasn't even my baby. It was Callie's, OWEN'S. Yet here I was standing in an obstetrics clinic, trying to hold onto the image of a face I saw on the ultrasound machine. Why did she do this to me?

I took out my phone and dialed Leah's number.

"Hello?" Leah said, answering on the second ring. She sounded a little surprised; I had never called her before.

"Hey. Can I come over?" I asked desperately.

"Uh, sure! When?" She asked.

"Now" I said.

"Yes, of course. I will be waiting" Leah said.

"Great. Bye" I said, hanging up the phone. I grabbed my purse and walked out of the hospital. I needed to clear my head in the only way I knew how.

I drove straight to Leah's, trying to calm my emotions en route. I blasted the radio and rolled the windows down, all in an effort to clear my head. Fleeting thoughts raced through my mind. Callie, her fear, her reliance on me to alleviate that fear. The baby, innocently seen on the ultrasound screen. Her breath on my lips for the first time in months. The look she gave me when we saw the baby, together, a new connection between us made. Owen barging into the room during our moment. This was all so surreal. Too much

Still overwhelmed when I arrived to Leah's, I ran up the stairs to her second floor apartment, knocking frantically. She unlocked the door slowly, opening cautiously.

"Arizona, you are knocking like a serial killer. And you're sweating. Are you..."

I cut her off with a kiss. I pulled back for a moment, stunning myself that I had come onto her so strongly. But I grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her into me. She didn't resist this time. We stumbled clumsily into her room, ripping each other's clothes off. I closed my eyes; I saw Callie. I felt the moment in Addison's office when our lips were so close. Would she have kissed me? I couldn't shake this. I threw Leah on the bed, crawling on top of her. Leah tossed me aside, getting on top of me, ripping my panties off. I kept my eyes open, desperately trying to keep my focus on her, wanting her to consume me. Even as she entered me, pleasured me, kissed my neck the way I like, I felt Callie between us. After five minutes or so of her efforts, I flipped Leah over and pleasured her. It was hasty, rough, nothing like lovemaking should be. Leah didn't seem to notice; she came in minutes. And just like that, it was over. I rolled off her, somewhat breathless from the frantic nature of our sex. I thought it would help, I really did. But when all was said and done, I still felt Callie around me, in me just as much as I would have if she had physically been there.


	34. Chapter 34

Hey reader! Sorry I have been updating less frequently. I just started school and have been studying a lot! Anyway, thanks again to all the positive comments. I laugh at those who tell me to designate this as an Arizona/Leah story :)

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"That was unexpected and amazing" Leah said, looking towards me. I nodded, still feeling distracted by the events of earlier today. Leah propped herself up onto the pillow.

"Are you okay? You have been different, distant, since we started classes" Leah said. Had I been? Probably. I couldn't even remember the last time I had looked in Leah's direction, given her a second thought. My stomach churned with guilt, for what I was doing to Leah, but also for what I felt like I was doing to Callie. How ridiculous was that? How could I feel guilty for sleeping with someone else?

"i'm sorry..classes have just been an adjustment I guess" She nodded, likely sick of the excuses I kept feeding her. How could I blame her for that? I had been so unfair to her and she had no idea why.

"I really like you, Arizona. Really, really like you. But I feel like when you are here, with me, you aren't really here. If you could just tell me what you were always thinking about...maybe give me a clue, I could help. Or at least be someone to talk to..." Leah said.

She looked at me with an innocence; she genuinely wanted to help me. If only she knew, I thought. I didn't know what to say, how to tell her that I had fallen in love with Callie long before I had met her. How much I wanted to give Leah a legitimate chance, but how impossible that was. I wanted to tell her that she was a great distraction, but that she deserved so much more than that. Before I could say any of this, Leah spoke again.

"Look, give me another three weeks. The annual Seattle Grace staff party is three weeks from tonight. It's a formal dinner and dance for all the staff, doctors,nurses, scribes, everyone. Go with me. Be my date. After that, if you still can't figure this out, figure us out, we can be done. But I want a chance, Arizona. A real chance. With you" She said. I stroked her cheek. Leah was so good. She deserved a chance.

"I would love to go to the formal with you" I said softly. She smiled, pulling me in for a kiss. I kissed her back, and for the first time, I really meant it. Because maybe I could love Leah some day. Maybe love was supposed to be simple, not impossibly complicated like it was with Callie. Maybe people are meant to be with the ones who are good for them, rather than the ones who felt good. Maybe those who set your life on fire, eventually were the ones who burned you down.

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During our next lab, we had an exam. Callie was, of course, the proctor for the exam. I was relieved to see her there, pregnant as ever. I took double the time I needed to on the exam because I wanted to talk to her after, make sure her and the baby were okay. Despite spending my last few days with Leah, my mind often wandered back to the baby, how he or she was doing. It dumbfounded me how I had gone from apathetic about all children to suddenly so invested in this one unborn baby. Even if it was Callie's baby I never expected to feel this involved, especially given how uninvolved I actually was.

When I was finally the last one in the room, I turned in my exam. She gave me a small smile, likely expecting me to walk right past her.

"How has everything been going since last week's visit with Addison?" I asked.

"Good. Really good. I haven't had any more bleeding..." She said standing up and collecting the tests.

"Good" I said. An awkward silence fell between us. I chewed on my lip, not sure what to say.

"Thanks again for coming with me. I know it wasn't my place to ask you to do something like that...Old habits..." She said, laughing nervously on her last phrase.

"I offered, Callie. And I was happy to. I am glad you and the baby are okay" I said. She nodded, keeping her eyes down.

"Well, I better go. I just wanted to make sure you and the baby were okay" I said, starting to walk out of the classroom. Just as I grabbed the door handle, Callie spoke.

"I think we should be friends" She said abruptly. I turned around.

"Friends?" I asked

"Yeah. Friends" She said with a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

"So first you were my boss. Then my boss who I was sleeping with. Now you're my pregnant teacher. And you want to be friends? On top of all of that?" I asked. She looked upwards, clearly thinking.

"Yes, I do" She said more confidently. I gave her a puzzled look and she continued. 'I know that this is weird and that there is so much between us. Part of you probably hates me for everything that happened. I know that. But I can't keep ignoring you in class. I can't pretend like you are just another student. You are so much more to me than that, even if by definition, that is all you are. Everything else aside, we are two people who really, really like each other." She said.

"I could never hate you, Calliope" I whispered. She gave me a soft smile.

"So, can we be friends? Or at least try?" She asked. As much as part of me wanted to say no, that this effort to be 'friends' was bullshit and that we could never, ever be just friends, I couldn't deny any kind of relationship with her. I would play this game a pretend to be friends. Maybe this definition, this false line we were drawing, would help me. Maybe this would help me differentiate my feelings for her an the ones I should have for Leah.

"Sure, Callie. We can try" I said. She gave me a wide grinned smile in response.

"In that case, can I tell you about some baby names I have been thinking about?" Callie asked.

"Sure, spill"

"I only have girl names, because I am still convinced I am having a girl. But my short list is Isabella, Sara and Cristinana"

"Tapping into your Hispanic heritage eh?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes, I guess I am. But more so I like the "ah" sound at the end of names. Sometimes Callie sounds like a childish name to me" She said with a frown.

"Callie is a cute name. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it would be cutesy on anyone but you. Calliope on the other hand...that's a woman who means business" I said. She smiled at me, shaking her head.

"Your name has the 'ah' sound that I love"

"True. Can I be honest?" I asked

"Sure?" She said.

"Isabella, is like, every other baby girl's name in this decade. Sara is just...boring. And Christiana is a mouthful and honestly, kind of ugly" I said bluntly.

"Seriously, Arizona? That list took me weeks to come up with! I thought I really narrowed it down to those three!" She said with a sigh.

"Well...that's just my opinion" I said.

"No, no. You're 100% right about those names" She sighed again. "Back to square one"

"You'll come up with something" I said. "I actually have to go now, but I will see you next class"

"Okay, friend, see you later" She said, winking at me. I rolled my eyes, laughing at here. Callie was onto something here. This whole friend zone thing could work.

Or, more likely, it would blow up in our faces.


	35. Chapter 35

Hi Readers! Sorry for the less frequent updates, school is very busy. I am doing my best! For those getting antsy about a Callie/Arizona reunion, hold on tight. This chapter is laying the ground work for future chapters. Things may get worse before they get better. But don't worry, big things will be happening very soon :)

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"You stayed late after class, again" Teddy said as we started making dinner. Teddy and I were having Henry and Leah over for a dinner double date. normally, i hated cheesy dates like this. But it was Teddy's idea and what I told Leah about it, she was over the moon. So, I was trying to pretend like I didn't think it was completely gross.

"Teddy, I told you about last week. She just needed someone to drive her to the clinic. She was scared she was miscarrying. You would do the same thing" I said defensively.

"Yeah, but I didn't, because I didn't notice she was pacing around the room the entire class period like you did. Because I don't pay attention to her. And neither should you!" She said to me. I looked away and she sighed.

"What was it this time?" She asked me.

"Initially I just wanted to make sure that she and the baby were okay. But then she brought up the idea of being...friends"

"Friends? Is that a joke?" Teddy asked.

"...no?" I said.

"I know you know that that is a terrible idea" She said.

"Yes, I do. But, maybe it is worth a try. I am thinking if I label Callie as my friend and Leah as my girlfriend or whatever, my brain maybe be able to feel the right things towards each one" I said. She looked at me like I was an idiot. Crap, I knew she wouldn't go for this.

"That is easily the stupidest thing I have ever heard" Teddy said.

"You know what? I don't have a better idea at this point. Callie and I can't ignore each other forever. It only makes things worse for the both of us" I said. Teddy sighed and continued to stir the pasta.

"You're giving Leah a chance?" She asked.

"I am" I said.

"How's it going?" Teddy asked.

"Good! I think..." I said.

"You think?"

"Well, we have been spending more time together. We sleep together. What else is there to say?" I asked. Teddy shook her head.

"I don't know how this is supposed to go, Teddy. I have never done this before. I have only done the crazy, stupid, irrational, not true relationship, relationship. I don't know how the sane, normal, somewhat monotonous but real relationships work" I said. Teddy continued to stare at me.

"What?" I asked. With that, there was a knock at the door and moments later, Leah let herself in.

"Hey guys" Leah said, giving me a hug with her back to Teddy. Teddy raised her eyebrows at me. I looked away, avoiding her condescending glances.

"Hungry?" I asked. Leah nodded, beaming at me.

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We spent the rest of the evening eating dinner and talking over a few bottles of wine. The conversation flowed easily between us. Leah fit in well with Teddy, Henry and I, though I am sure she would get along with almost anyone. Leah was sweet, approachable, very likable and a little goofy. When you talked, she really listened and made you feel heard. Even more than that, she looked at me with stars in her eyes. I could truly do or say no wrong. While the unconditional adoration was flattering, it was also difficult to live up to. While a part of me was apathetic to how Leah perceived me, another part o me wanted to live up to the image she had created of me because her feelings were so intense. It left me in a state of cognitive dissonance.

Leah left a little before 10PM that night. It was a school night and I wanted to get a good night sleep. She kissed my cheek as she left, but lingered for just a second, like she wanted to say something important that only I could hear. I panicked for a second, knowing that likely anything she had to say I couldn't say back. But she didn't, she left me with a kiss and walked out of the door. I left Teddy and Henry to resume making out in the living room and went to my bedroom. Crawling into my bed still felt like my face place, the only place I could think about Callie, guilt free. Minutes after I had gotten into bed, my phone rang. TIM ROBBINS flashed across my phone screen.

"Hey loser" I said.

"Hey now, is that nay way to greet your favorite brother?"

"My ONLY brother" I joked

"So hostile. How is it going, Zona?" He asked.

"Pretty well, actually. I had a test today and had dinner with some friends"

"Friends eh? You sure Leah wasn't there?" He asked. I could practically hear his smile across the phone.

"Maybe she was"

He laughed into the phone. "You are readable, Zona, even through the phone. But I am happy to hear she was there. How are things going with her? Still casual or…"  
"I am trying, we are trying, to move past casual" I said.

"Trying is better than not trying. How are things with your professor?"

"Callie?" I asked.

"You know who I am talking about" He said, firmly.

"Well…after getting over the initial shock of seeing her there and finding out she was pregnant, we are better. I feel…better" I admitted.

"Teddy is worried" Tim said frankly.

"She is always worried. Why now?" I asked

"She said you were noticeably happier the second you saw her again, despite the whole baby on the way thing. She thinks Leah could be really good for you but you won't give her a chance"

"I am giving it a chance!" I yelled defensively.

"She said that you would say that. But that you aren't. She said in lab that you are so focused on watching Callie that you don't take notes"

"Okay, that is ridiculous. I am acing that class!" I said.

"Zona, you're fucking smart. You could ace a class without taking the damn class" Tim said. I sighed.

"Look, Zona, I didn't call to lecture you. Just…be sure you aren't letting something good get away from you. Callie has always been in a very different place in her life. With a baby on the way, that is more significant than ever" He said.

"I know" I said flattly.

"I know you do. We all need reminders though. Hey, I gotta run. I will be up to visit in like, six weeks"

"Sounds good. Talk to you later"

"Stay happy, Zona, but stay smart too"


	36. Chapter 36

I found a little extra time in my day. Here is a short chapter, enjoy :)

"Hey class, as we wrap things up today, I wanted to remind you that I have posted the scores of your most recent exam online. If anyone feels like they are behind or aren't doing as well as they want to be, come talk to me. I am happy to extend lab hours or provide you with tutoring" Callie said. With that, we began to slowly trickle out of the classroom. Callie made eye contact with me and nodded her head in the direction of her office. I nodded back, walking back to her office with her.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Your classmates are going to start thinking you're cheating soon" She said.

"What? Why? Did I do something? I didn't think anything between us was that obvi.."

"No, ARizona, no. Nothing like that. You have had the top score on every exam and quiz I have given. I would be suspicious if I didn't know how intelligent you are" She said, offering me a huge smile.

"Well, thanks. I love what we do every day in lab, so that makes it easy" I said.

"From what I have seen in labs and on your exams, you were born to be a surgeon. I'm glad Addison is your physician mentor, she will teach you a lot" Callie said.

"Yeah, I lucked out" I said. Silence fell between us. The conversation had ended, yet both of us lingered in her office.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, trying to restart the conversation.

"Pretty well, minus the small basketball in my abdomen" Callie said, rubbing her stomach.

"You're almost 3/4 done though! That's exciting, Calliope.. I mean..Dr. Torres" I said awkwardly. She nodded, skepticism written across her face.

"As sick of being pregnant as I am, I am more nervous for her to be here..."

"You how know how child birth goes. You will sail through it with flying colors. And if you don't, Addison is your doctor. She is the best of the best."

"I know, I know, that is all true. But it's not even that so much as the other stuff. Like bringing her home. At least now that she is inside of, she isn't subjected to all of the drama and what not..." She broke eye contact, her eyes now glued to the floor.

"Drama?" I probed. She continued to avoid my gaze, her eyes shifting from one floor tile to the next. I couldn't help but think back to the days when we worked together multiple hours a day. I would push her to talk to me, to open up and tell me what was bothering her. Usually, she would relent, dragging me down to our bungalow where we would talk and talk until we were forced to go to a surgery. We would tell each other anything and everything without fear of judgment. We understood each other. Every wall was broken down. There was nothing between us, or so it felt in those moments. Now, even though we were 'friends', I felt like pushing her for an answer to the harder questions was crossing the line. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to make her open up because I knew deep down that Owen never did. But, it wasn't my place. I needed to not get wrapped up in her, for me. This realization, was acutely painful.

"Well, I hope whatever it is works out for you. I better get going" I said, walking out of her office. To my surprise, Leah was there, leaning against the table, waiting for me. She smiled when I stepped out of Callie's office, grabbed my hand, and pulled me in for a kiss. The kiss stunned me, as she had never been overtly affectionate in class before.

"You ok?" Leah asked, squeezing my hand. I turned my head and there Callie was, watching us. By the look on her face, composed but furious, her lips slightly turned down, she had seen the kiss, the hand holding, everything. I almost turned around and apologized to Callie. That was my first instinct. But then, the memories of her telling me to move across the country flooded into my head. The pain of that, of losing her, it always seemed to come back to me. I had just started to get over that. I was sick of regressing into sorrow every time I thought about what Callie and I used to be. She had a baby on the way with her husband. Nothing about this was easy. This what not what I wanted. She would always be what I wanted. Hell, there was nothing I wanted more than to let go of Leah's hand and grab Callie's face and kiss her. I wanted to tell her how I never stopped loving her, how wrong it feels when we are apart. But I had just begun to pull myself out of her enough to realize that I needed to let that go, as much as it hurt, as wrong as it felt. So when I locked eyes with Callie, with that angry look on her face, I offered a small smile and turned around.

"Yes, let's go" I said to Leah as we walked out of the door, hand in hand.


	37. Chapter 37

Happy birthday, greysxx! Here is a short chapter for your bday! enjoy!

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The following week, Callie wouldn't even look in my direction. She was crabby in class, her face constantly pinched. I would raise my hand to ask a question and she would look in the other direction. She avoided my gaze at all costs, especially when I was actively trying to make eye contact with her. "You must have done something to piss her off" Leah whispered to me numerous times over the next week. Yes, I thought, YOU.

But I kept my mouth shut and nodded, avoiding having to explain anything to Leah. I couldn't even think of a legitimate excuse that I could tell her at this point. One thing I did know, was that this petty avoiding eye contact and ignoring my questions thing, had to end.

Ater lab that week, she exited the room immediately after she had dismissed us. I gathered my things quickly and told Leah that I had an errand to run. Before she could offer to come with me, I had already run out of the classroom in pursuit of Callie. I saw her make a sharp right and enter a stairwell. I picked up my pace, quite literally chasing after her. When I entered the stairwell, she was already approaching the top of twenty or so stairs. Man, she was quick for a pregnant woman.

"You can run away from me as quickly as you want, but I don't have a ten pound baby hanging off my abdomen. You might want to just stop and talk to me" I yelled up at her. She stopped, hesitated briefly, then turned around slowly. Her expression was stern; she did not find this funny at all.

"What is going on?" I asked, completely exasperated of this charade.

"Nothing" She said flatly as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"Nothing? Really? Because you have been avoiding me and honestly, borderline rude since you saw Leah and I together the other day" I said. Her eyes narrowed.

"If you want to sleep around, don't let my judgments get in the way of that" She said.

"Sleep around? Are you kidding me?" I said, utterly furious that she would assume I was 'sleeping around'. She knew I wasn't that kind of person.

"Well first it was me. Then Dr. Karev. Now Leah? Who's next? Teddy? Jackson? Or maybe you will go back to Dr. Karev..." She said curtly. I felt my blood boiling beneath my skin, my heart fluttering with anger.

"You don't get to do that" I said firmly.

"Do what?" She asked.

"You don't get to call me a whore. Not now, not ever"

"I am just calling them as I see them" She said aloofly. I stared at her, trying to break her. But she was stone cold, so angry that she meant what she was saying.

"No. You don't get to judge me and you most definitely do not get to call me a whore. I thought you were the one. Did you know that? I really believed you were the one I was going to spend the rest of my life loving. Despite everything, all the obstacles, your marriage, the age difference, all of it. I felt that strongly about you; I loved you that much. So all of the moving, and restarting and constant uprooting that plagued my whole life was finally over. Because I had found you. You made my world stand still" I stopped, feeling myself being to choke up.

"YOU left me. YOU chose Owen and that bullshit fantasy life you always wanted. I make no apologies how I choose to repair what YOU broke" I yelled at her. I kept my eyes on hers and she dropped her gaze, finally releasing the tension in her jaw.

"This thing between us is finished. Whatever it is or ever was, it's done" She said, turning her back to me.

"Finally" I said breathlessly. And for the first time since I met Callie, I didn't take the time to turn around and watch her walk away from me.

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"Are you sure you want to go, babe? You have been really...edgy all week and seem extra down tonight" Leah said as she wrapped her arms around me, her breath against the back of my neck. I had just grudgingly slipped into a long back dress for the Seattle Grace Annual Staff Celebration that Leah has invited me to earlier this month. After the fight with Callie, I had been exceptionally pissy with anyone and everyone. Every time I saw Callie in class, I felt my chest tighten and my jaw clench. This anger was noticeable to most everyone, particularly Leah, who thought I was just PMSing since we also hadn't had sex since the fight with Callie. Because of this, she was extra nice and extra extra cheery, which only seemed to annoy me more. As much as I wanted to skip this stupid celebration that would inevitably result in me seeing not just Callie, but Callie AND Owen, the better part of me knew I had to suck it up for Leah. She had been too excited about this for too long.

"Yes! I said as enthusiastically as I could, but my exclamation was half hearted and she knew it. Her smile drooped slightly and I kissed her cheek.

"I really do, Leah. I am sorry I have been pissy lately...I just..."

"It's okay! Believe me, I can get PMS too. Let's just have a fun night though, okay?" She said with a hopeful look in her eye. While my dress and make up were adequate, Leah had gone all out. Full hair, makeup and shimmery short dress in tow. And she did look pretty. I knew I should feel lucky and I was tired of disappointing her. But I could not shake this anger...

"Okay" I said with a smile.


	38. Chapter 38

By the time we reached the hospital cafeteria, the place was packed with Seattle Grace staff. Against all odds, the Seattle Grace cafeteria had been turned into an elegant space. There were lights hanging from the ceilings, delicious food and drinks laid out where crappy coffee and sandwiches usually were. There was even a moderate sized dance floor with a DJ playing halfway decent music. Subconsciously, I quickly scanned the room for Callie. She wasn't in sight, at least not yet. I took Leah's hand and turned to her.

"Let's get champagne" I said, pulling her to the makeshift bar area. She followed my lead and grabbed two glasses of champagne, seemingly one for each of us. I grabbed two more; I was going to need a buzz to get through this night.

After downing my first two glasses, we mingled with the other scribes and a few other residents we had gotten to know during our time at Seattle Grace. Despite my initial reluctance about going to this party, I was actually having a good time. Even more than that, it was nice having Leah by my side, being on half of a couple. It almost felt like we were actresses at times; I put my hand on hers at just the right times in our conversations with others. She whispered in my ear flirtatiously whenever someone was watching us interact. We fit the roles we had created so well that no one would have suspected we were anything but madly in love. Yet every moment I wasn't consumed in conversation with my fellow coworkers, Leah by my side, I caught myself scanning the room for the one person I didn't want to see. I stopped myself every time I realized what I was doing and forced myself to instead look at Leah, put my hand on her thigh or kiss her cheek. But in those moments when my mind began to wander, it was always in search of Callie.

"Let's dance" Leah said, standing up during the middle of one of those moments when I was looking over my shoulder, my eyes glazed over with a slightly lost look on my face. She extended her hand, prompting me out of my chair. I smiled, taking her hand and following her to the dance floor. I rested my arms on her shoulders and she put her hands on my waist, pulling me in close for the slow song playing overhead. Our faces felt awkwardly close, causing us both to laugh uncomfortably and take as step back. I lowered my eyes, trying to find a rhythm with her. Our relationship felt like that sometimes, both of us trying to figure out the right rhythm between us. With every step we took, the rhythm improved, yet I never felt exactly in sync with her.

"You're thinking about something, Arizona. What is it?" Leah asked.

"Am not" I said.

"Yes, you are. You get this slightly pinched look on your face whenever you concentrate. You have it now. So what is it?" Leah asked.

"I am thinking about you" I said. It was true, I thought, partially anyway. She shook her head, laughing to herself.

"What?!" I asked. She smiled at me, squeezing my hips lightly as we continued to sway back and forth.

"I am going to say something. And you are just going to listen, okay? No interrupting" She said. I nodded, tracing the back of her neck with my thumb.

"When I was 16, my dad died in a car accident"

"Oh my god, that's terrible. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Hey, I said no interrupting. But for the record, you have never asked about my parents. Not once" I broke eye contact with her, silently shaming myself for my ever frequent lack of interest in Leah's life prior to me.

"My dad died, so young. My mom...she didn't cope well. She spent the next year in bed and the years following at the bar down the street. Anyway, I don't see her much anymore unless I am bailing her out of jail for her umpteenth DWI" She trailed off for a moment, looking at the floor briefly. How had I been so blind to this underlying pain?

"The day my dad died felt like the day my life stopped for a long time. I have spent the last seven years of my life just getting through each day. I didn't think about the future because these individual days were too much to bear. But in the last six months, all these amazing things have happened. I got a job at Seattle Grace. I was accepted into medical school. And the best of all, I met you" She said, a smile forming on her face when she uttered 'you'.

"And now, I feel like I have a future again. I think about us, Arizona, you and I, and what we could be, and suddenly I see a future. Do you know how good that feels? To be able to think beyond the next few hours and see more than a life without the people you love the most in your life?" Leah said, becoming emotional. I pulled her closer as tears began to form in her eyes.

"I love you, Arizona. I just wish you would let me"

I felt the breath leave my body, a chill run up my spine. 'I love you'? Now? Guilt overwhelmed me. I couldn't find or form words.

"Don't freak out. I know you aren't there yet" Leah said, trying to lock eyes with me.

"I just need time. I could say I love you now, but it wouldn't be fair to me or you..." I whispered quietly to her "I just need some time to mean it"

She gave me a small smile and I pulled her into me, our heads side by side. I closed my eyes, just momentarily, allowing myself to take this moment in. I had such great love for Leah. I knew how good she was for me, how much we made sense together. Letting go of Callie would take time, but I would get there. I could get there. I just needed to keep trying.

When I opened my eyes, Leah still swaying in my arms, I saw her. Callie. She too was swaying in the arms of her lover. She too was wrapped up in another person. Yet when our eyes met, everyone else, everything else, fell away. Time slowed, stopping almost completely, our surroundings blurring as our eyes were so intensely locked on one another. Electricity, it ran through us, between us. It was just Callie and I in this big room, or maybe even in this world. Just like it always was since the day we met, crossing paths in that hospital hallway.

In that moment, when time crawled and the space around us collapsed, I realized that I never had a choice. Falling in love with Callie was never, ever a choice, but rather a force that had overcome me. This force had taken me, changed me, enlightened me and eradicated every belief I ever had about love and happiness. As much as I tried to fight this force between Calliope and I, it was unrelenting, it never slowed, never changed. And it would never, ever stop.

No, I never had a choice. It was always Calliope. It was always going to be Calliope.

This realization flooded over me. I felt myself flushing, sweating, starting to hyperventilate.

"I need some air" I said to Leah, pulling away from her. She looked at me, puzzled.

"Okay, let's go to the..."

"I will just be a minute. I need...a minute. I'll be back. Ok?" I said. Before she could let her permissive words slip her lips, I was gone, half running towards the exit and down the stairs. My legs were carrying me to the location, our location, before I even knew where I was going.

Callie and I's bungalow was just as we had left it; the bed unmade, books scattered on the floor, coffee cups in the garbage. It almost overwhelmed me more to be there, yet where else would I go? This place, much like Calliope, felt inevitable to me.

Just as I had begun to gather myself, splashing cold water on my face, I heard the door open. I knew it was her before she even stepped a foot into the door. I always knew it was her, I had a sixth sense for her. I recognized the way she turned the door handle, the rate at which she opened the door. I knew her so well. I could feel her in a room without seeing her.

"Arizona? Are you okay?" Callie stepped out from behind the shelves of medical supplies. My god, she was so beautiful. Her cheeks were lightly flushed, probably from chasing me down the stairs. Her short hair had just begun to grow out, soft curls hung just past her shoulders. And who could ignore her blossoming baby bump that somehow made her more desirable than ever.

"No. I'm not okay. Are you happy now? I am not okay! Because you are married. You have a husband. And you're pregnant! With his baby! Then you called me a whore. And now you are looking at me. Stop looking at me!" I said.

"I was _not_ looking at you" Callie said defensively.

"You were looking at me! And you pull me in with your big brown eyes and I have no choice. Leah has plans! I like Leah. She is perfect for me! And I am really trying to be happy with her. But when you're looking at me...I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I can't see anyone else but you! I feel like there is no one else but you! So please, stop looking at me like that" I stopped myself, breathless. Callie looked at me, her eyes stern, on the verge of full on rage.

"Do you think I want to be looking at you? That I wouldn't rather be searching the room for my husband? I am married! I am pregnant! I have responsibilities not only to my husband but our unborn child. Owen doesn't drive me crazy! Owen doesn't distract me with a single look from across the operating room. Owen doesn't set my body on fire with a single touch. And the thought of him touching another woman does _not_ make me sick to my stomach. Arizona, I would give anything not to be looking at you" She yelled, tears welling in her eyes.

"You don't understand. You _own_ me!" I exclaimed. Callie shook her head.

"No, Arizona. You own ME. Every feeling I have is controlled by the look on your face. I breathe for you. _I exist, for you_ " She whispered, tears running down her face.

I sighed, my eyes pleading with her for an answer. She turned to the wall adjacent to the bed, resting a single hand against the wall. I knew I should leave, turn around and run out and forget this ever happened. Falling in love with Calliope may not have been a choice, but leaving before I destroyed all the progress I had made in the last few months was.

TBC :)


	39. Chapter 39

Again, loving the comments, thank you so much for the support! Just a reminder that we really don't know what is going on behind closed doors in Callie's life at this point. Some assumptions are safe to make, but don't completely judge her or write her character off as malicious, selfish, adulterous person just yet, okay? Okay :)

Also-I love the mixed opinions on what you readers think is in Arizona's best interest. Obviously there are no easy answers here, but I am glad to see that torn feeling Arizona has is coming through in my writing.

xxxxx

Just as I had worked up the nerve to begin walking out the door, I felt her hand grip mine. Before I could move, speak or even breathe, her lips were on mine. Her hands cupped my face and my lips responded to hers without hesitation. I put my arms on her shoulders and pulled her in deeper, allowing her tongue to roam my mouth. She backed me into her dresser, hastily sliding a number of books and an alarm clock onto the floor. I propped myself onto the dresser and she slid my dress up to my waist, pulling my lacy black thong off. Her face was in my chest, kissing each breast hungrily. I held onto her head, running my fingers through her dark, wavy hair. She pulled me closer again and brought her lips to my neck, feasting just below my right ear. I pulled back for a moment, allowing the music from the dance hum above us, bass pulsating through the room.

Our hands cupped one another's faces; we shared each breath, just looking at each other. Her eyes saw right through me. There was nothing in that moment but the hunger for what we had been repressing for months. How had I resisted this insatiable physical connection for so long?

I spun her around slowly and unzipped the back of her dress, revealing her caramel skin. I pulled her between my legs, her back still to me. She braced herself on my knees as I hooked her bra. As I kissed up and down her spine, she slipped out of her panties and her shoes. She turned around, facing me, completely nude. She looked at me nervously, undoubtedly insecure about her fuller pregnant body. Her breasts were swollen, her hips were wider under the weight of the baby and of course, her protruding belly rested between us. A smile grew across my face, she looked amazing, as beautiful as I had ever seen her. Callie read my expression, relief washing over her face. Pulling me off her dresser, she brought me in for a passionate kiss, clutching my hair in her hands. I slipped the straps of my dress over my shoulders, shimmying out of my long black dress. We backed up into the bed, our lips never disconnecting. As she sat onto the bed, I stood above her, taking my bra off. She pulled me into her, kissing my sex lightly as I moaned, bracing myself on her shoulders and feeling the wetness grow between my legs. Callie ran her tongue up and down my sex. I shuddered, knowing I had to lay down before I crumpled on top of her. I leaned down and kissed her, running my tongue against her teeth before our tongues connected, battling for dominance. Pushing her onto the bed, I crawled on top of her, sucking her neck just below her ear. She moaned and I sucked harder, knowing very well that my aggressiveness would leave a mark. She took my breast in her hands while I continued to suckle her neck. I pulled away, hovering above her just momentarily, before I moved my hand down and began teasing her entrance, grazing my fingers ever so lightly over her clit. Her back arched in response, demanding more contact. I slipped a single finger inside of her; she was so much tighter than I had remembered. Callie began thrusting rhythmically and I added another finger. I curled my fingers inside of her, hitting her g spot. She moaned, clutching the sheets beneath her hands. I lowered my mouth to her nub and began lightly biting it, then stroking it with my tongue. Her walls began to shudder and I only increased my rate against her g spot. I felt her inner thighs tighten around my head a suddenly, release, a wave of orgasm overcoming her. I pulled myself out of her and licked the length of her sex one last time. As I made her way up her body, I stopped at her popped belly button, kissing just below it so lightly I doubt Callie even felt it. I kissed her lips just as softly and Callie grabbed my ass, squeezing me, urging me to thrust against her. As we kissed, I ground my pelvis into hers. The clit on clit contact sent a shiver down my spine. Callie continued to pull me up further, until my sex was resting just above her face. She pulled me down onto her, her tongue entering me. Bracing myself against the bed, I moved forward and backwards with her tongue as it came in and out of me. Just as I started to lose control, she began suckling on my clit and entered two fingers into me from behind. Overcome with pleasure, I continued to rock against Callie's fingers, feeling my walls convulsing around her. As I came, I threw my head back in pleasure, my entire body trembling with sexual bliss.

I collapsed beside her, completely exhausted by the intensity of our sex. I wanted to stay in this moment, the moment after sex where both of us were still catching our breath. In those moments, there were no opportunities for questions, morals, regrets or mistakes. It was just us, trying to hold onto bliss.

My breath slowed and I felt her eyes on me. I ignored her, staring at the ceiling, not ready for that bliss to escape me yet.

"Arizona, what does this mean?" Callie asked. I looked to her, trying to get a read of her. Her eyes were desperate, yet at the same time, assured. She wanted an answer from me. And I didn't have one.

"I...I need to find my panties. Where are my panties?" I asked, overwhelmed and abruptly scrambling out of the bed. My moment of peace and bliss was over; replaced by an urgency without identifiable origin.

"Arizona, stop" She pleaded, grabbing her own dress and sliding herself back into it.

"I just need to find my panties" I threw my bra and dress on hastily, looking in the mirror at my hair and make up. I looked like a mess, like I had just had a lot of rough sex. Shit. I needed to get out of here. I felt Callie's hand catch my wrist as I was about to dart out of the room.

"Arizona, _what_ does this mean" My wrist was in her death grip. The intensity in her eyes, the strong grasp on my wrist forced me to slow down. I took a deep breath and looked up at her.

"We need to get out of here. We have been gone too long" I said, pulling her out of the room and into the nearest elevator. By the look on her face, she didn't like my response. A slight disappointment rested between her brows and left her lips slightly downturned at the edges. Yet, we stood close, our smallest fingers just barely touching. I wanted to tell her how I was truly unable to process any thoughts right now. I was too confused, slightly intoxicated and still on a high from our amazing sex. My mind kept telling me to run, run far far away from this person who had hurt me so deeply. But every other part of me felt full, happy. I had missed Callie in a physical sense so deeply.

The elevator doors to the first floor, where the party was held, opened. There standing and looking back at us, were Owen and Leah. I felt the color leave my face. We all looked back and forth at one another, Owen and Leah appeared extremely confused. I prayed Callie and I did not look as guilty as I felt.

"Owen, Leah...what are you two doing...together?" Callie sputtered out as we got out of the elevator.

"Well, it was funny actually, we were both standing at the bar over there for twenty minutes or so. Finally, I asked Leah if she had seen you, Callie. And she said no, and that she was looking for Arizona. We thought maybe you two had run into each other in the bathroom and were catching up or something" Owen said. How could such an intelligent man be so completely oblivious to what was right in front of him? Had his affair with Cristina made him as blind as my affair with Callie had made me?

"So we went looking for you. It had been an hour and we were just about to give up actually" Owen said, half laughing, still utterly oblivious. Leah on the other hand, had come to a realization as I watched a disgusted look wash over her face. She then shook her head, almost as to say "I don't believe this". After a few moments, she looked to me, and she knew.

"It was HER? Really? After all this time? It was Dr. Torres?" Leah shrieked. Shit. Not only had she put two and two together, but she had seen Callie's hickey that, from the looks of it, Callie had not even tried to cover up.

"Leah...I'm sorry" I whispered.

"Hold on...am I missing something?" Owen asked, confused as ever. Callie kept her eyes on the floor.

"Really? You have no idea?" Leah yelled at him. I stood there, stunned. Shame came over me, leaving me even more speechless than ever.

"No, I don't" Owen said defensively.

"Seriously, Dr. Hunt? These two are gone for over an hour with no explanation. They just up and leave. Then, they walk out of the elevator with stupid grins on their faces, sex hair and their makeup smudged. As if that wasn't obvious enough, Callie has the hickey the size of my fist on the left side of her neck" Leah exclaimed. Owen shook his head.

"No. You're crazy. This is absolutely crazy. Callie and Arizona are colleagues. They were just catching up... in the bathroom...Right? Callie?" Callie kept her head down. Owen continued, disbelief lined every word he spoke.

"No. Just...no. Callie is my wife. Arizona is just her employee..her student..."Owen said, trailing off towards the end of his sentence. I imagined his mind racing through the past year, the late days at work, the days after the shooting when Callie spent little time at home and all her time with me, the weekends of 'research', the depression Callie fell into after I left my scribe position, the day in Addison's office when he walked in on us closer than a friendly distance apart. His brows were pinched, his face in a twisted scowl. He knew Leah was right. Everything added up. Everything made sense now, but he still wouldn't believe it.

"I...I need to go. I can't deal with this right now" Owen mumbled as he put his head down and walked out of the hospital doors. Leah continued to stare at Callie and I, furiously waiting for an answer from either of us that sep down, she didn't want to hear the answer to.

"I'm going to catch a ride with Addison" Callie whispered. She walked past us both with her head down. I watched her briefly, until Leah's gaze was too intense to ignore. I thought her eyes were going to burn a hole through my forehead.

"You're really not going to say anything?" Leah said.

"I don't think anything I could say would make this right" I said quietly.

"I will give you a clue. How about 'I'm sorry Leah' or 'I made a mistake because I was overwhelmed, Leah' or better yet 'I have been treating you like shit but I realize that you're good for me and I fucked up and want to change, Leah'" She said sternly. I kept my head down. I couldn't say any of those things and mean them.

"You really can't say anything, Arizona? Anything?" She said as tears welled in her eyes. I hated myself for doing this to her. Nothing I could say could make this right.

"I wasn't fair to you, and I am so so sorry for that. I wanted to try this thing with you. I really did...You deserve so much better" I said.

"But you're not sorry about tonight...?" Leah asked.

"No"

"Why, Arizona? Why do you think it's okay for you to fuck our professor twenty minutes after I tell you that I am in _love_ with you?"

"I don't think it's okay"

"But you're not sorry?!"

"No!"

"WHY" She yelled

"Because I _love_ her! Okay! Is that what you needed to hear? I love her" I screamed "And I will _never_ be sorry about that"

Tears streamed down her face. She knew all of this already, she just wanted to hear me say it out loud.

"I loved you, you know. I really did. I thought you would come around. I thought...you just needed time..." She cried softly. I moved closer to her slowly, until I was close enough to put my arms around her. She collapsed in sobs in my arms.

"You deserve someone who is crazy about you too, Leah. I just...can't be that person" I said quietly.

"All of this time? It was Dr. Torres? She was the one you were depressed about for so long, the one you were always thinking about when you zoned out mid conversation, the one you had nightmares about every time I slept over?"

"Yes" I responded. She pulled away from me.

"Dr. Torres...is married. She has a baby on the way. She won't be what you need. I could have made you happy. I could have really been there for you" Leah said.

"I know. But none of that changes anything" I said. Leah nodded, tears still falling from her eyes.

"She's the one" Leah said, her voice quivering.

"She's the one" I repeated. Those words hung between us like fog. I imagine in that moment, she began to see me for who I was. I was no the perfect woman she made me out to be. I am damaged, my faults hang off me like branches on a tree. I usually don't get things right, as hard as I may try. I may not be the woman for anyone, but I am most definitely not the woman for Leah Murphy.

"Good bye Arizona" And she turned away from me, never looking back.


	40. Chapter 40

Hi readers! Here's a quick chapter. Sorry it is so short, but I will update again soon :)

xxxx

I ran out of the hospital doors as soon as Leah was out of sight. I must have looked ridiculous running through the parking lot and streets in a fancy black dress and heels. But in my mind, there was no other option. I needed to get away from everything as quickly as possible, and unfortunately, Leah had driven us. The run itself actually relaxed me. The hospital wasn't far from Teddy and I's apartment and it felt good to clear my head. Or at least, attempt to clear my head.

How had everything gotten so complicated? It seemed like yesterday that I was watching Callie from afar in the OR, secretly fantasizing about the beautiful Latina surgeon I worked so frequently with. I missed the days when everything was so simple, when our connection to one another was an unspoken secret between us instead of a dramatic scandal that more and more people seemed to be learning of. I understood what Callie was asking now, what did all of this mean? Not just the sex, but the rest of it: Owen, the baby, our inability to stay away from one another. Where did we go from here?

Opening the door to my apartment, I was startled to see both Teddy and Henry sitting at the kitchen table, both still dressed in their formal attire.

"I didn't expect to see you two sitting here. The party isn't over yet" I said.

"Eh, we got bored. Too much doctor talk for me" Henry said, taking a swig of his beer.

"I can only assume that you are coming home early, without Leah and a relieved look on your face, only means one thing" Teddy said.

"We ended things..." I said quietly. Teddy gave me a sad look. She was disappointed, as I knew she would be.

"Oh, Arizona. What happened?" Teddy asked. I opened my mouth to respond, but there was a knock at the door. Had Leah forgotten something here? Had Henry invited people over? I looked to Teddy and Henry, they shrugged. I walked to the door, opening it slowly. To my surprise, standing in front of me, was Callie. Stunned, I stood there, staring at her. She had never been to my apartment before. I was surprised she even knew where I lived.

"Hi" Callie said softly. My mouth hung open.

"Hi" I responded, gathering myself. I never expected her to come here.

"Can I...come in?" Callie said, peaking over my shoulder into the apartment. "Hi Teddy, Hi Henry" I imagined Teddy's mouth hanging open further than mine.

"We will leave you two to...uh...talk. Come on, Teddy" Henry said, pulling Teddy to her feet. They shuffled past Callie out of the apartment. When they were both out of sight, I stepped aside and waved Callie inside. She stopped a few feet in front of the doorway, resting on hand on her pregnant belly and let her eyes wander the apartment. A smile grew across her face.

"It's so similar to how I imagined it. Simple, bright, light colors. Small TV, close living space. It's homey. It's you, Arizona" Callie said. I nodded, remembering how uncomfortable I had felt in her living space. I realized that her place felt like Owen, not at all like Callie.

"So, what does this mean?" I asked, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"I'm sorry I left you there, with Leah, at the hospital. I...I figured you two needed a moment..." She said softly. I nodded in agreement, searching her face for answers like I so often did. Callie had her subtle facial expressions that I had picked up on over the last year, a pinched brow here, a scowl there. But her emotions weren't as readily available in her expressions as mine are to her. Sometimes I felt like I was playing at a disadvantage because of this, but more often I loved how she kept me guessing. Her complexities made her, her.

"In that moment...after... I had so much I wanted to say to you. I wanted...to say" She stuttered for a moment, trying to find the right words. Callie, no, Dr. Torres, never stuttered, never hesitated. She always knew what to say and how to say it. This was important, something she has been thinking about for a while. I tiled my head to the side, waiting for her response.

"But now, all I can say...is that I love you. I love you, Arizona. I have been in love with you...forever. I'm sorry it took me so long to acknowledge it, to you and to myself" She paused for a moment, tears welling in her eyes as well as mine.

"You have a choice to make, Arizona. I want you to take all the time you need. I want you to think about you, what's best for you. I will be here, waiting for you. And I will wait for you, as long as it takes for you to make the right choice, for you. Because when I had to make a choice, between being with you or staying with Owen, I chose _wrong"_ Callie said as her voice began to crack, tears streaming down my face. She turned around and put her hand on the door knob.

"Good night, Arizona."


	41. Chapter 41

"Zonaaaa, wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" I heard my brother's voice filling my bedroom. I must be dreaming. He wasn't supposed to be here for another few weeks.

"Zonaaaa, it's 10AM. Get up ya lazy bones!" Tim said, pulling the covers off of me. I had tossed and turned all night thinking about what had occurred the previous evening. My mind floated in a sleepy daze between the extraordinary sex with Callie, to breaking up with Leah, to Callie's declaration to me after the dance. Despite it being 10:00AM, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

"Tim, what are you doing here?" I said, rubbing my eyes.

"That's what I get for coming to visit you? Not, 'I'm so happy to see you, brother' or 'thanks for visiting me early, brother'. Geez Arizona, have some respect for your guest!" Tim said, sitting on the edge of my bed. His enthusiasm overwhelmed my demeanor.

"Of course I am happy to see you. I am just confused..."I said. And for the first time in a long time, Tim went silent.

"You're going back, aren't you?" I said, already feeling the tears welling in my eyes. Another deployment, another year or more of stress, worrying about Tim's safety. The last 12 hours had become an avalanche of sentiment.

"I deploy in four days. I tried that other job, I really did...I just...I need to go back. I can't explain it. It's almost like a calling. I just can't ignore it any longer than I already have" Tim said, trying to make me understand.

"But you just got back! What about mom and dad?" I asked.

"They were totally supportive. You know how dad is, Zona. He dedicated his life to the military too. Hell, mom dedicated her life to it as much as dad did through him. They get it"

"Well what about me! I don't get it! I don't get why you feel the need to go back there!" I exclaimed.

"Zona, you get it" Tim said simply.

"No, I don't! How do I even come close to getting it? I am here, literally screaming at you not go go!"

"Why did you go into medicine?" Tim asked.

"I...I like science... I like helping people..."I stammered.

"That may be true, but lots of people like science and lots of people like helping others, yet they don't become doctors. YOU had a calling and you followed it, despite all of the schooling and the intensity of the work. You knew it was the only thing you could see yourself doing" Tim said, pausing briefly. "Even if it kills me, Zona, fighting for my country...is my calling. I can't turn my back on that any longer."

I shook my head in anger, but he and I both knew that I understood. Becoming a doctor was the only thing I had ever dreamed of doing and I knew Tim felt the same way about the military, as hard as it was on him. I hated the idea that his passion may be the thing that ends up killing him.

Tim extended his hand. I reluctantly took it and let him pull me out of bed. I groaned, trying to wipe the tears and grogginess from my eyes.

"Hey, I am only here for one night. Let's try to have some fun"

xxxxxxxxx

After a long run and breakfast at my favorite coffee shop down the street, Tim and I ended up back at my apartment. He told me all about his next duty. He was to be stationed in Northern Syria, where he would be placed in a minimal combat zone, per his request. He was tired of the fighting, he said, but he wanted to be involved in another way. Tim had admitted around mile 8 of our run that he was considering taking some nursing courses and training while he was overseas. Even though I hated what he was doing, every part of it, and wanted to beg him not to go, I told him I was proud of him. Tim would be okay. He had to be.

"How's the new GF doing? Leah, right?" Tim asked as we settled back into the apartment. Of course, I knew this question was coming, but I still hadn't thought of the right way to answer it just yet...

"You broke up with her, didn't you?" Tim said.

"Well...not exactly..." I said. Tim waved his hand, gesturing for me to continue.

"Last night, we had a Seattle Grace Staff Appreciation Formal. I went with Leah...we were having a great time...until I saw Callie" Tim raised his eyebrows, bur remained silent.

"I can't explain the moment, Tim. I had everything right there in front of me. Leah was holding me in her arms, she had just told me she was in love with me and I felt...I thought I was happy. But then Callie...she was dancing with Owen...and looking at me"

"Looking at you?" Tim asked.

"Yeah, looking at me. But not just looking at me. I can't explain it, but I have these moments with her when everything just...stops." I paused briefly, biting my lip nervously. "Everything after just felt out of my hands. She feels...inevitable to me"

"So you slept together?" He asked.

"Yes" He nodded, not nearly as judgmental as I thought he would be.

"How does that even work, she has to be so pregnant right now" Tim said. I laughed.

"Somehow, it was better than it ever has been" I said in all truthfulness. He laughed in disbelief.

"So I am assuming Leah found out..."

"Yeah, she saw Callie's hickey and put it together. Owen too"

"WHAT! Officer Hunt knows?"

"Yes. Leah was more or less screaming at Callie and I in front of him. He wouldn't believe it, at first, but Callie didn't deny anything. So he just...walked away. I don't really know what he is thinking about the situation" I admitted.

"So...you and your girlfriend broke up. Callie's husband found out. Now what?" Tim asked.

"I don't know. Callie came over last night and told me I had a choice to make..."

"A choice? I don't get it."

"She said she was in love with me and that I had a choice to make" I said.

"...I still don't get it" Tim said.

"A choice between a life with or without her" I said simply.

"And you let her just walk out the door?" Tim asked.

"I was too dumbfounded to do otherwise" I said.

Tim gave a soft laugh, then suddenly, threw his head back in laughter. I looked to him, confused.

"What the hell is so funny?" I asked.

"Is Callie serious? A choice? What a load of shit" Tim said, still laughing hysterically.

"Well...I guess I didn't think it was so ridiculous..." I said quietly.

"A choice? She thinks you're going to make a choice now? How stupid. You made your choice a long time ago, Zona. Long long before Leah, or the baby or even before I got home. Shit, you were so far gone when we went out to dinner with mom and dad I thought you might propose to her right then and there. Callie has been it for you for a long time. And you said it yourself, she feels inevitable to you. If she doesn't see that, then hell I don' know how she became a surgeon because she is dumber than a box of rocks"

I broke my gaze with Tim, thinking about the truthfulness of his words. How could Callie even think this was a choice for me? I had chosen her, repeatedly, for so long. I chose her over my relationship with Leah. I had chosen her over my friendship with Teddy. I chose her over my schooling. I had even chosen her over another life, and my own life, the day of the shooting. But were these the right choices for me? How could they not be? I felt like I was unable to separate myself from Callie anymore; she was an integral part of me, and me of her. How could I not choose her? Choosing her was choosing myself.

"Go to her, Arizona"


	42. Chapter 42

"Arizona! Arizona! Wake up! I need to tell you tell me what happened!" Callie said as she aggressively rubbed my sternum, trying to awaken me.

Where am I? I sat up quickly, the room spun around me. I was at Seattle Grace ER. Why? What happened? Why were there so many nurse huddled around me. Why were their eyes shifting, avoiding my gaze, looking to Callie for answer, who herself looked overtly concerned. Why was there the familiar buzz of panic in the air? How did I end up here?

Oh my god. The accident.

Tim and I, we had been driving to the hospital. He had convinced me to come here to tell Callie that I chose her and I wanted to be with her. That I loved her. He said he was coming with, that he was going to watch me from afar while I professed my love to Callie. Like a complete dork, he actually pulled out binoculars he was planning on using. He said he wanted to see me happy, truly happy, before his deployment. He was driving, perfectly, innocently to the hospital to help me find Callie...

When another driver came out of nowhere, at a busy intersection on the highway less than a mile from Seattle Grace. Had it been an old woman who mistook the gas pedal from the brake? Or a teenager texting and driving? I don't know. I do know the other car smashed into the driver's side of my old, questionably safe car. Had the airbags even gone off? Did I lose consciousness after that?

No. I remember screaming. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Not because my right elbow hurt like hell, (which it did, I had felt my once strong, healthy bone crumble into a million pieces beneath my flesh) but because Tim was slouched over the steering wheel, blood gurgling out of his mouth. He was gasping for air, his chest concave and all the while he was staring at me, trying to form words. I couldn't do anything but scream. I couldn't move, I couldn't see, I couldn't think, I just screamed, watching my only brother bleed out inside of my shitty car.

One of the paramedics covered my mouth and dragged me out of the car. Apparently I was distracting the other paramedics who were trying to get my lifeless brother out of the car. So, I started to shake. Instead of screaming, I shook. Muscular men in paramedic uniforms were yelling around me. "Driver looks rough, get him out now!" "He's bradycardic and hypotensive. He's lost a lot of blood internally. Call Grace and tell them to have O neg blood on hand STAT" "Passenger is shaken up. Elbow looks shattered but no life threatening injuries appreciated. Give her 0.5 Ativan and 75mcg fentanyl en route"

I remember them shoving a needle into my quadricep when I couldn't stop shaking long enough for them to get an IV placed. The medicine they gave me made me groggy and slightly dulled the throbbing pain in my arm, but even that couldn't erase my memory of Tim, the blood trickling out of his mouth, his eyes wide with fear of death.

I must have lost consciousness at some point before we arrived at Seattle Grace. The meds must have hit me.

Because now, Callie was standing over me. She had awakened me. I was awake. More than awake, _panicked._

"Where is he Callie?" I screamed, ripping my out my IV and tearing the monitors off my chest.

 _DR TORRES, TRAUMA ROOM 1, DR TORRES, TRAUMA 1_ the overhead speaker blared to the rest of the ER. Knowing that it was Tim, I darted to the left, knowing exactly where trauma room 1 was. Before I could take more than two steps, Callie grabbed my right arm, my hurt arm. I yelped in pain and slapped her across the face.

"WHERE IS MY BROTHER" I screamed at her. She was holding her cheek, hurt initially, before her eyes softened again.

"Arizona, you need to get in bed, _now"_ Callie yelled at me, pointing in the direction of my bed.

"No! No! I need to find him!" I said, trying to get past her.

 _DR TORRES, TRAUMA 1, DR TORRES, TRAUMA 1_ , the overhead speaker repeated.

"Please, Arizona, I need to go help your brother and I cannot do that unless you get in that bed. I cannot think unless I know you are safe!" Callie said calmly but firmly. The nurses, who were initially giving us a small amount of space, were closing in around me.

"No Callie, I need you, please! Please don't leave me. I am so scared. He can't die, please. Don't let him die! He isn't even supposed to be here! I made him come here. I shouldn't have done that. I did this. Oh my god, I did this" I sputtered frantically. Anxiety pulsed through my veins.

 _DR TORRES, TRAUMA 1, DR TORRES, TRAUMA 1._ the overhead speaker blared once again. Callie sighed quickly, pushing her bangs out of her face.

"Your elbow is shattered. I will be back for you, I promise. No one is going to fix that elbow but me. Tim needs me now" I stood there, pleading with her, shaking. Again, I was frozen, beside myself. He was going to die. He was going to die and it was my fault.

Dr. Hunt rounded the corner, his eyes wild, blood dripping from his gloves.

"DR. TORRES get your ass to Trauma Room 1. His cervical spine is unstable. We lost his airway. He has gone into asystole twice now. You and I need to take him to the OR, NOW!" He screamed at her. She gave him a curt nod and followed him towards the elevators to the OR. I followed behind her, instinctively holding my right elbow in place, feeling the pain shoot up my shoulder with even the softest steps.

"Don't let him die!" I sobbed behind Callie and Owen as they quickened their pace into the elevators to the OR. Tim, in a gurney surrounded by two other doctors and nearly ten nurses, laid there unconscious, a tube down his throat and wires running every which way out of his chest.

"Arizona, we got this. We need to go, now" Owen yelled as he hit the door close button on the elevator.

"Please" I uttered as the door shut in my face. Callie's eyes were down in concentration, but I know she heard me.

No more than a few moments later, I collapsed. Maybe it was the intensity of the elbow pain. Maybe it was what I saw in Callie's eyes, beyond the focus and concentration; fear. Maybe it was the fact that I was watching my brother die right in front of me.

Maybe it was all three of those things.

Or maybe it was the all too familiar feeling of my world, my life, crumbling beneath my feet.


	43. Chapter 43

Many hours later, before I was even fully awake, I knew Tim had died. His death lingered all around me like a thick fog of tobacco smoke that I couldn't help but take in. I laid there for minutes, hours, unwilling to open my eyes and face a world without Tim. He was filled with too much goodness, too much joy. How could the world keep spinning without its greatest light? How could time continue to tick away when it felt like everything should stop and mourn the loss of my beloved brother?

When I finally did open my eyes, my parents were there. My father, typically stoic and poised, was crumpled in a chair in the corner of my room. His sea blue eyes had drifted away, the light in his eyes had vanished. My mother was clutching the coffee beside him, tears rolling down her cheeks as steady as a gentle rain. When they realized their only remaining child was finally conscious, they hardly batted an eye. Rather, they avoided my gaze, unwilling to speak the unspeakable.

"Your boss, Dr. Torres...she fought like hell to keep you sedated after you passed out in the elevator" My mother nervously chatted, "The other doctors wanted to wake you so they could assess your injuries. But she refused. She said you would be...hysterical. She knew you were okay, she said. The other doctors made her do a full body CT scan anyway, but the only thing they found was your elbow. It was shattered pretty badly they said. That Dr. Torres, she made sure you were asleep for the whole thing. She took you to the operating room right after...She fixed your elbow. It took a few plates and a dozen screws, but she put you back together. She has been walking past your room every few hours it seems, making sure you are okay. She's a damn good doctor..." My mother choked on a sob as she spoke that last sentence. My father put his hand on her knee as she crumpled into his chest. I looked at my arm; it was suspended in the air on a few pulleys, yet my fingers were still swollen, purple sausages.

"Arizona, we need to make...arrangements" My father said. "It has been two days since...your mother and I have decided to have the funeral here in Seattle, tomorrow."

I closed my eyes, letting a wave of sorrow within me crest and wash through me. I bit my lip and nodded, trying to hold the sobs at bay.

"Technically, you are free to leave the hospital whenever you are ready. Dr. Torres said she would have one of her residents fit you for a cast when you are feeling up for it. They let you stay and sleep a few nights due to the...circumstances..." He muttered. I nodded again in response.

"I just want to go home" I whispered.

"Why don't you stay the night with us, honey? We have..things...to discuss" My mother said.

"Like what? Casket sizes and flower colors? Who gets his guitar and who gets his military uniform? You make the decisions, for all of it, I don't care" I said sharply. My mother looked away, pain embedded in every line on her face. On any other day, in any other circumstance, my father would have given me a firm scolding for being so crass, especially to my mother. But now, he looked too defeated to do any sort of scolding.

"I'll go get the nurse, for the cast" He said, leaving the room. My mother looked to me, tears welling in her eyes. I believe we had a mutual acknowledgment in that moment that Tim deserved to be lying in this bed, while I deserved to be lying in the morgue, cold and alone. She too left the room. I realized then that my mother and father no longer saw me as their daughter, but as the person who had taken their son from them.

As soon as I had my cast on, I left the hospital and started running. I declined a ride from my parents back to my apartment, and Teddy's offer to pick me up from the hospital. Instead, I ran. My arm throbbed beside me, but I kept running anyway, letting the pavement pound beneath my feet. I didn't let anything enter my mind, not Tim, not Callie, nothing. I just ran, hard, letting the ground beneath me take the beatings of my steps.

Eventually, hours later, I had to stop. My feet were blistered and my arm was pulsating with searing pain. My head spun with dehydration and exhaustion. I imagined Tim beside me, laughing his ass off at the shape I was in. "Come on, ya wuss, one more mile" He would say, poking me in the ribs. And with his prodding, I probably would go one more mile, because he made me stronger, better.

But Tim was gone, _gone._ I would never have the gusto in me to go that extra mile because I didn't have Tim's zest, his vivacity, with me. For the rest of my life, I would be without the enthusiasm for life that so many mornings, got me out of bed. Tim was such a light in my life; how was I ever going to navigate without him?

I opened the door to my apartment and saw Teddy sitting there, nervously waiting for me. Teddy, the only anchor I had left in my life. I went straight to my room and collapsed in bed. Too tired to cry, I laid there feeling anesthetized. I felt Teddy hovering in the doorway, then crawl in bed beside me.

"I don't know what to say..." Teddy said. For better or worse, Teddy always had something to say, always. Yet here we were, both speechless when there should have been so much to say.

"I called the medical school dean, he said you can have this week off" Teddy said. I didn't respond. The last thing I cared about right now was school.

"So many people have stopped by, Arizona. Half our medical school class, a bunch of Seattle Grace docs and nurses who worked on you and Tim after the accident, even Leah. She dropped some flowers off a couple hours ago. I'm pretty sure I saw her wandering around the ICU before you woke up. At first, no one knew why you were still unconscious. Everyone was, is, so worried about you" _Tim_ , my last memory of him, gasping for air, blood pouring out of his mouth, ran through my mind. I shook, trying to erase the memory, all of it.

"Please don't say his name" I said quietly. Teddy was silent behind me momentarily.

"Has Callie...been here?" I asked.

"No. No she hasn't." Teddy said. "I was with her...after...she wasn't okay either, Arizona. After...she came to your room. You were still unconscious after falling in the hallway. Dr. Bailey was trying to wake you up, but Callie got really upset and demanded to take you to the OR right then and there. She said she wouldn't let you wake up without your brother and your arm broken..." Teddy paused for a moment, her voice catching on a sob.

"So she did the surgery, then and there. It was 1:00AM at that point but she made it happen. She didn't sleep that night. I know because I didn't sleep either. We both sat there, by your side, the entire night. And in the morning, when your parents finally got there, Callie walked by your room every half hour, at least she did until I had to go to class..."

"All night, huh? She was there?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, she really was" She said. I felt anger within me seize my chest, acid running up my throat.

"So where is she NOW? Huh? Here, now, she isn't here!" I yelled, sitting up in bed.

"Arizona...I know I have been less than fond of her in the past...but she _loves_ you. She really, really loves you. The look in her eye after she lost Tim...I have never seen her so low. Dr. Torres is always on her A game, no matter what. Everyone says so. But when she lost Tim, and found out you had fainted, she lost it. Dr. Torres bends for no one, she is fierce and strong and unstoppable. But when it comes to you, she folds, she stops. And she made half the hospital stop with her for your surgery " Teddy paused briefly, "If she isn't here now, it's because she is trying to protect you."

"Protect me from what? AND I said STOP saying his name!" I screamed at Teddy.

"I am so so sorry. What happened to Tim, all of it, it wasn't your fault." Teddy said gently, putting her hand on mine. I pulled it away immediately. I didn't deserve to be consoled. i deserved to feel bad, to let this pain eat me alive. had I not been so fucking consumed in my own emotions for Callie, I would have never been driving in the first place. Instead of spending my last day with my brother, I was going to see Callie. Now, I was not only without my brother, but Callie wasn't here either.

"Please, just get out" I said to Teddy. Like everyone else today, she left without another word.


	44. Chapter 44

Hi readers! Thanks again for your comments. I do want to address a few of the negative comments, specifically the ones that said something along the lines of Tim died to create "drama".

I am not writing a soap opera here; I am simply telling a story. Of course, I want it to be exciting, engaging and fun to read, but I do not kill characters off lightheartedly in an attempt to make my story dramatic. Unfortunately, Tim's death is part of this story. It was not a means to an end (i.e., a way to bring Callie and Arizona back together), it just, is. It has been a part of my story since its conception because Tim's death largely defines who Arizona is on the show and I wanted to stay true to that in this story.

Anyway, let's get back to the story, shall we? :)

xxxxxx

I slept over thirteen hours that night, only waking an hour before the funeral service. I had been dreading falling asleep, I thought I would see Tim's last moments of life on repeat in my head. Thankfully, I dreamt of nothing but darkness.

The funeral was mind numbing. I stood behind my parents as we proceeded behind Tim's casket into the church service. So many people were there, even though the funeral was held in Seattle. Childhood friends, third cousins, Tim's friends from boot camp. Then of course there was Teddy and Henry. Even Leah and Dr. Hunt had come, each of them sitting alone near the back. Though I didn't lay eyes on every person in the room, I knew Callie wasn't there. She was always the first person I saw, the first person I felt, when I walked into a room. And when I walked into the church that day, I felt nothing but the emptiness I was already consumed by.

The service was nice I am sure. I didn't really listen. I was entirely focused on vacating my mind of everything so I didn't start shaking again. Ever since the accident, my nerves had continued to rattle inside me like a wild bird in a cage. It must be hereditary; I felt my father's hand trembling against the pew the entire service.

After the funeral, the pallbearers carried Tim away. My parents and I walked in step behind them out of the church. Watching them throw my brother into the hearse and shut the door behind him made me physically ill. Again, Tim's bloody face flashed through my mind and I felt myself begin to lose consciousness. Just as my vision began closing in on itself, I felt a familiar hand take me to the nearest bench to sit down.

"Now would be exactly the wrong time to pass out" Leah said as she sat down next to me. "Here, drink some water" I took the water bottle from her hands, taking three large gulps of it.

"Have you eaten today? Or the last few days?" She asked. I answered honestly.

"I don't know"

We sat there for a few moments while I finished off the water bottle. I watched my parents mingle with close relatives and Tim's friends. My mother was rambling through her grief, talking about anything superficial enough to not cause an emotional response. It seemed to make her feel better, I hope it truly did, or at least distracted her enough to think it was making her feel better. My father was sullen at her side, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. I wonder if he was trying to shut down his mind as desperately as I had been.

"You don't have to do this, you know" I said, handing Leah back her water bottle.

"Arizona, you lost your brother, your best friend. I may hate you, but I am not heartless. I'm here for you, whatever you need. You get a free pass for a while" She said. _Lost your brother, your best friend._ Those words stirred inside me as we watched the hearse drive away. I couldn't do this. Not yet. He was too young. Was this my fault? How could I forgive myself? Tim as so good, so much better than I could ever be. I stole that from him. This was too much.

"Running shorts, a t-shirt and shoes" I sputtered. Leah looked to me confused.

"I need to go for a run. Now. Do you have any of those things in your car?" I asked frantically.

"Everyone is about to go to the burial site...Don't you think you should wait until after..."

"Just go get the clothes and shoes. Okay? _Please?_ " I begged. Reluctantly, she began to walk towards her car.

"Dad, I am leaving" I said, interrupting my parents's phony conversations with my great uncle. They looked at me appalled. Fuck them. Fuck all of this. This is not what I needed right now.

"Arizona, we are going to the burial site, you can't leave now" My mother said to me. My father didn't even look my direction. He was somewhere else, his thoughts completely elsewhere. Had he even heard me?

"I can't watch them bury my brother into the dirt. I just...can't. I will find you later" I said, departing before my mother could protest. I walked towards Leah, grabbed the clothing out of her hands. After changing hastily in the bathroom, I took off, out the back door of the church. Away from the loss in my father's eyes, away from the trembling in my mother's voice and away from the fear and sorrow I felt in this new chapter of my life, a life without my brother.

xxxxx

I ran all the way home. The church was nearly ten miles from my apartment; it took me an hour and a half. I ran fast and hard and was dripping sweat by the time I reached my apartment door. Although my legs felt like they were going to crumple into pieces beneath me, all I wanted to do was keep going. In exhaustion, I found peace. When my feet stopped moving, my thoughts came to life again. I wasn't ready to face this yet, not any of it.

The funeral was likely still going on, or at least the lunch after was. I prayed I had the apartment to myself. All I wanted to do was take a few sleeping pills and fall into the deep slumber I had been in last night, where my thoughts were scarce and the pain and loss were minimal.

But when I put on hand on my apartment door, I found it to be unlocked, not a good sign.

"Teddy? Are you here?" I yelled as I walked into my apartment. No response. A good sign, I thought, until I heard my bedroom door creak open. Of course she was here, I thought, the one time I didn't want her, need her, to be.

"Calliope?" I whispered as she emerged slowly from my bedroom. Unlike me, who was dressed in full workout gear, Callie was dressed for a funeral. Long black dress, black shoes, deep red lipstick. More than that, she looked distraught, like she had been crying for days. Her eyes were sunken in yet swollen. I, on the other hand, looked less like the grieving sister and more...vacant. The emptiness inside me was written all over my face.

"Arizona...I..." She shook her head, unable to speak more. In normal circumstances, seeing Callie like this would have broken my own heart. I would have gone to her, held her, brought her to bed and laid next to her until the tears stopped coming. But staring at her, I felt nothing.

"I need to go to bed. Please, leave. Leave me alone" I said, walking past her into my bedroom.

"Isn't the funeral still going on?" Callie asked quietly.

"I left hours ago. I have no idea. Obviously you wouldn't know either, as you weren't there" I said, turning my lights off. She grimaced, clearing hitting a nerve with her.

"Arizona, you should go back. I will bring you. We can go together, or not..."

"No. I am perfectly fine here. You go though. Attempt to clear your conscience" I said nastily, crawling into bed, turning my back to her.

"This is not about my conscience. This is about Tim, and you. I want to be here for you... I don't want you to regret anything..." She pleaded, putting her hand on my shoulder as she sat down beside me. I shrugged her off immediately, sitting up abruptly.

"Here for me? You're kidding right?" The anger, it clenched my stomach again, the burning sensation rising in my throat. Callie just stared at me, holding her ground. I wasn't being fair. We both knew that. But she was prepared to take a beating anyway.

"Who did I see when I woke up from my sleep coma yesterday? Or when I got home from the hospital? Or the funeral today? Definitely not, you, not even a fucking phone call. Your HUSBAND was at the funeral. Leah, you remember, the girl who would actually tell me that she loved me, the one who I cheated on, with you? Yep, despite me royally fucking her over, she was there" She kept her eyes on me. Grief was written all over her face. She was struggling too. This was affecting more than just me, yet I didn't care. I was too hurt, too lost in a mess of my own guilt and sadness to pull myself out enough to realize that Callie wasn't okay either.

"I'm sorry, Arizona. I couldn't...you were so upset. I didn't want to make things worse" She whispered.

"So you sedated me? While my brother..." I felt a sob move up my throat. I choked it back and laid down again, wanting nothing but to close my eyes and sleep.

"Tim was gone before he even got to the hospital. We tried everything, but his pelvis, his ribs, even his sternum, were crushed. There was so much bleeding" She said...letting her voice fade out as she recalled the events of that day.

"I did everything I could" She whispered, tears running down her cheeks.

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I knew how hurt he was? I was there! I saw him choking on his own blood. I saw the intensity of the pain in his eyes. Don't you think I know that if you couldn't save him, no one could?!" I screamed at her. She looked up at me, mild relief and confusion written on her face. I hastily pulled her into me, forcing her lips on mine. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to escape this guilt. I wanted her to stop looking at me and seeing Tim cut wide open in her OR.

"Arizona, stop. This isn't the right time" Callie said gently as I sucked on her neck, trying to coerce her out of her dress. I ignored her, ripping my own clothes off, ravenously trying to get her to kiss me back.

"Yes. Please" I pleaded, already snaking my hand up her dress.

"Don't do this, not now" Callie said more sternly than before.

"Why? Don't you want me any more?" I taunted her. She relented slightly, allowing me to snake my hand under her dress. Before I could reach her panties, she stopped me, abruptly and forcefully pushing me down onto the bed.

"Stop!" She yelled in my face. Unable to move, she hovered above me, a stern look on her face. I had pushed her too far, she was on the verge of snapping and we both knew it. I couldn't do this to her, blaming her, snapping at her, then manipulating her into sleeping with me. She was strong, but she would break, too, eventually. I closed my eyes, backing down. She ran her hand through her hair and sighed, rolling off me so we were both laying on our backs, looking at the ceiling and wondering what we had done to one another.

"I needed you" I whispered. "I needed you _here."_ She nodded beside me, silent for a moment.

"I always knew what to do before you. I always knew what my next move was" Callie said in disbelief, looking over at me, "And now, I never know what to do anymore. I feel like even when I want to, I just can't get it right. You have brought complexity and this...this chaos to my life. Nothing is simple anymore. You have changed everything. _Everything._ But I can't go back. I don't _want_ to go back" She said, taking my hand in hers. I didn't pull away, allowing myself this small comfort in one another, for now.

"I am here for _you,_ now." She whispered in my ear, sending chill down my spine. So much had happened in this last week. I felt overloaded, my mind had decided to stop working altogether. I couldn't process this yet. Not now. I needed time. I needed to sort this out without her. I wasn't ready to be the person I wanted to be with her. I would hurt her, or she would hurt me, irreparably. We wouldn't survive, there would be too much damage.

"I need time, Calliope" I said, almost inaudibly. Whether she heard me or not, she kissed the base of my neck and held me close for a minute before letting go.

"I love you" She whispered. I nodded, and she walked out the door without another word.


	45. Chapter 45

Two weeks had gone by since my brother's funeral. Unfortunately, my dreams had not remained benign like my first night home from the hospital. In fact, they were torturous, my brother and Callie were in them all. One of them, or both, perished in every nightmare I had. Each time, I saw my brother's face right before he died, blood draining out of his mouth. I was sleeping 14 hours a day, and spent the rest running or walking outside, trying to quiet my mind. I didn't go to class, despite Teddy's attempts to drag me there. What was the point? I couldn't take the pain of learning the details of the human body when my brother had succumbed to its weaknesses.

I knew no other solutions. I had no other alternatives. Time as gone. In a moment, I lost him. Had we left a half second later that afternoon, or perhaps driven slightly slower down that road, Tim would still be here. He would be calling me from the airport, telling me not to miss him while he was deployed. Or maybe he would have come to his senses and decided not to leave. Maybe he would have moved to Seattle. He could have moved anywhere; at least he would still be here. At least I would have the chance to tell him how much I miss him and how grateful I am to have him as a brother. He would laugh me off of course, tell me I am being too sappy, but at least I would get to hear his voice. That is all I would ask for, now. A chance to talk to my brother one last time.

It sounds so cliche, doesn't it? I can't help but fit into every cliche since he died. I find myself holding baby pictures of us, sobbing. I wake up in the morning grasping at dreams he was in. I'm mad, all of the time, at everything, the littlest things, even though it all stems from losing Tim.

No one knows how to help. Not my parents, who more or less have radio silenced me since the funeral. Not Teddy, who encourages me to go to class and "get out". Not even Callie, who is giving me the space I asked for. Yet, I know she calls Teddy every day, asking how I am doing. I know she has sent three different staff from the medical school over to talk to me. She has sent me at least one meal every day since the funeral. She always writes a name other than her own on the cards that accompany the meals (typically mom, dad or grandma), but I know they are from her, all my grandmas are dead. I have even caught her watching me from her car while I am on my endlessly long runs. She's around, I feel her everywhere, but I am not ready yet. She can't see me like this, especially as pregnant as she is.

I am a bitter, heartbroken, monster of myself right now. I hate the world and everyone in it. I am so angry, about the hand my brother was dealt. How can the world go on spinning, completely unaffected, which such a lightness like Tim has passed? It's like the universe has slapped me in the face with the reality that my loss means nothing. How demeaning, how cruel. What's the fucking point of this life if I have to lose everyone that is important to me along the way?

What keeps me holding on, is knowing that I have been this low before. Losing Calliope those months ago was different. It was a sharp break, a clean cut. It hurt like hell. It crippled me, for months. But I healed and I was stronger for it. This, this loss was a dull ache. It waxed and waned in severity, but was always present. It didn't stop me, it didn't impair me, it just made everything so damn hard. It made me feel unfixable, like this storm would never pass.

Two weeks after my brother's funeral, my phone rang. I was about five miles into my run and assumed it was another person from the medical school, begging me to return to the program. Maybe it was a relative, I thought, someone Callie had contacted to reach out to me. But it was a number I didn't recognize. Maybe it was the mild elevation of my mood from the run, or maybe it was curiosity. I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said.

"Arizona! Great, you answered. I heard I would have a hard time reaching you..."

"I'm sorry, who is this?" I asked.

"It's Addison Montgomery. Your preceptor?" Addison said into the phone. I paused, considering hanging up the phone right then and there.

"Don't hang up. I want to talk. Just for a moment. Ok? Nothing about your brother..." That word, brother, stung every time. Would that ever go away?

"Okay" I said.

"I'll keep it short. I want you to come work with me the next three days" She said.

"You have a scribe already" I stated.

"I do and I don't need another one. I want you to be my intern for the next three days"

"Dr. Montgomery, I am not even a medical student anymore. I don't think I would be of much service to you"

"You worked next to Dr. Torres for almost a year. You were, are, the smartest, most talented student in your medical school class. While this doesn't earn you an MD behind your name, I think you can act as an intern, under my supervision, for the next few days" She said.

"Why are you doing this for me? You hardly know me..." I whispered into the phone.

"For starters, I hate seeing talent go to waste. I want you back in school, where you belong. I hope this is going to inspire you to get there..."

"And?" I inquired.

"And, Dr. Torres contacted me about you. I was, am, your mentor. She thought of this whole intern idea and ran it past me. Dr. Torres is my friend, one of my best friends actually. She is brilliant and intuitive; if she says you're worth going to bat for, you are" She said confidently. I let the silence hang between us for a moment. Did I have a say in this at all?

"I will see you tomorrow morning, 7:00AM sharp, outside my office. Don't be late. I don't give second chances" Before I could respond, the line went dead.


	46. Chapter 46

Believe it or not, we are reaching the end of this story. I am not sure how many chapters are left, but I would guess between 3-4. They may be coming out a little more sporadically the next two weeks or so; I am still writing in some final edits. Thanks again for all of the supportive comments :)

xxxxx

"Arizona, this is Dr. Stephens. I assume you two have crossed paths at some point while you were a scribe here. I want you to follow her around today. She will supervise you on some small tasks. We have a very busy day today. I have four mothers actively laboring and a full day of surgeries scheduled on top of that" As if on cue, Addison's pager went off.

"And apparently a 911 ectopic pregnancy I need to scrub in on. I will catch you two later" Addison said, rushing off to surgery. What the hell was I doing here? I really hadn't planned on coming at all, until I woke up this morning to the same nightmare of Tim I always had. Only this time, instead of watching him clutch the steering wheel while blood poured out of his mouth, he was inside of my destroyed car, gasping for air, holding a baby. The baby couldn't have been more than a few days old and incredibly, he or she looked unharmed despite the destruction of everything around it. It was the first time in weeks that I had woken up with an emotion besides fear and pain. I woke up instead, with just the tiniest bit of hope. However small that amount, it got me to the hospital today.

"Arizona, I am going to round on three of the patients in active labor. You can take this one. I already checked her cervix; all I need you to do is make sure she is still refusing the epidural and that she and the baby have a heart beat. Can you do that for me?" It sounded simple enough.

"Sure"

"Great. Page me if you have any questions. Anything at all. Your patient is in room 2301" Dr. Stephens said, walking away from me. OBGYNs were always in a hurry; probably because their schedules revolved around moms, who could labor from one hour to thirty hours.

Walking towards room 2301, I was unexpectedly nervous. I had seen hundreds of patients, countless procedures and even a few dozen life or death scenarios. But never before had I been in the role of a doctor. Thought I knew I had no true responsibility, just the idea of encompassing all that a physician must be was overwhelming. I had to be focuses, yet aware of my surroundings. I had to be thoughtful, yet logical. I had to be professional, yet warm and caring. How was I supposed to encompass all of those things as a first year medical student? I prayed that my patient would go easy on me. More importantly, I hoped she would be unaware of my incompetence.

As I rounded the corner towards my patient's room, I heard the unfamiliar sounds of laboring moms. Moaning, groaning, the occasional scream. Callie and I had rarely worked in this area of the hospital; labor and deliver was much the opposite of orthopedics. Yet I swore, I heard the faintest sound of her voice speaking in Spanish. I stopped dead in the hallway, amidst the hustle and bustle of the labor and delivery staff and anxious family members. No, it couldn't be 40 weeks already. Could it have? No. Not possible.

But she was here, I knew she was. Her voice, however faint, I could recognize from anywhere. Room 2301 was just to my left. Was she inside? I cracked the door open. I took a deep breath and straightened my white coat. It couldn't be her. No. I wasn't ready for Callie to be someone's mom yet. It was too soon for us, we weren't ready. I wasn't ready. I just lost Tim. We had just slept together. We hadn't had time to figure us out yet. No, Callie was not behind this door.

But of course, I opened 2301 to find Callie. She was standing hunched over the bed railing, speaking quiet Spanish profanities. An ever so small smile grew across my face for the first time in weeks. Even in labor, she was still the spitfire Latina I had fallen in love with.

"Can I help you?" Owen said abrasively, standing up from this chair in the corner of the room. I hadn't even noticed he was there when I had first entered the room. To no ones surprise, he looked extremely annoyed at my presence.

"I...I am here for Dr. Montgomery. I am her intern today" I said meekly. He tilted his head to the side.

"Really? Because from what I heard, you dropped out of medical school" Owen said accusingly.

"Well...I am still figuring things out" I said.

"What did she send you for? Vitals and epidural status? Because I can tell you those right now. Both vitals are stable. Fetal heart rates is hovering around 150. And Callie does not want an epidural" Owen said, walking closer to me. Never had Dr. Hunt gotten in my face before, but now, I could physically feel his anger towards me. I felt like was invading his territory.

"Great...thanks. Callie...?" I said, looking towards her for confirmation that what he had told me was true. From the looks on the monitor, she was mid contraction and in a great deal of pain. Subconsciously, I looked away from Owen and took a step towards her.

"Can I talk to you outside?" He asked, already walking out the door. I looked to Callie, her eyes pleaded for my forgiveness. She looked so helpless. I desperately wanted to stay with her, hold her hand, get her through this. How dare he do this now, when Callie needed his support.

"Coming? He asked, standing in the doorway. I gave a slight nod and stepped outside of the room.

"I want you to stay the hell away from us today. This is about me, Callie and our baby. NOT you. You have done enough damage. You already broke up my marriage, the last thing I need is you intruding on my family" Owen said quietly but firmly to me. Three weeks ago, before Tim had died, I probably would have nodded and walked away. But now, I was not in the mood to take anyone's shit, especially when Callie was involved. Never again would I remain passive towards the people I loved.

"Look, I am here on behalf of Dr. Montgomery. I did not choose to be her intern today. However, if I _had_ known Callie was in labor, you better believe I would be here, for _her._ And for the record, I did not break up anyone's marriage. You did that all on your own" I spat back at him, trying to calm my wavering temper. He looked at me in disbelief.

"You think you have this all figured out don't you? You think you can just waltz in here and be the hero that Callie needs? You think you _love_ her? Ha! You know what, none of this has been easy but I love that baby! I love my family!" He yelled at me.

" _BUT YOU DON'T LOVE HER!"_ Something snapped within me, a branch that had finally broken under months of holding up through the winds of change and sorrow.

"The only reason you are here by her side now is because your child is involved. She is MORE than an incubator for your child!" I said, the anger falling right off my lips.

"No...no you didn't love her. You just didn't want to feel alone while you were at war. Maybe you liked the bullshit fantasy of white picket fenced houses with kids playing in the yard. Or maybe...maybe she was good for your ego because she's beautiful and smart and everything anyone could ever want. Or...maybe she made you feel better about your MISERABLE life. But you didn't love her. Because you don't _destroy_ the people you love!" I screamed at him. Owen looked at me curiously and when I refused to break his gaze, he hung his head and stepped back into the room before I could take a step inside.

From the window, I saw Owen approach Callie and try to rest his hand on her lower back. She instantly pushed him away and broke down in tears, screaming words at him that I couldn't hear. Undoubtedly, she had heard our conversation. Owen sat down in a chair behind her, defeated. She shouldn't be alone through this. This wasn't right. In some capacity, she needed me. I needed to be there for her.

"Arizona! Great, I finally found you. There is a mom in active labor in room 2341. Do you want to see your first delivery?" Dr. Stephens asked as she approached me from behind. With no other options, I nodded in agreement reluctantly and followed in step behind her. The image of Callie in labor, alone, weighed on me, with every step I took.


	47. Chapter 47

Hey guys! Sooooo sorry it has been so long since the last update. School got crazy for a bit there. Anyway, enjoy this chapter :)

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Hours passed, running around with Dr. Stephens so quickly I was completely disoriented nearly the entire time. Babies were flying out every which way. I barely saw Addison; she was in surgery all day with the most complicated deliveries. In the back of my mind, Callie was still there. We hadn't heard much about her in the last few hours, but that would never stop me from wondering. I wanted to be there, more than anything. Seeing her in pain had sparked something in me. For the first time in weeks, I felt purpose, needed.

After almost 6 hours without an update on Callie, I had to know. This had gone on too long. How had we not heard something, anything about her progress?

"Dr. Stephens, I know it isn't my place... but...we haven't checked on or heard about Dr. Torres in almost six hours...shouldn't we..."

"It isn't. Your place, I mean. My nurses are good. They will find me when they need a physician" She said, writing frantically in three charts at once.

"You're right..." I said dismissively. I chewed my lower lips. Dr. Stephens sensed my discomfort and slammed the chart down.

"What!?" She said, annoyed.

"It's just that we are swamped today, everyone is so swamped. How can we be sure that she is okay? Isn't it weird that we haven't heard a word from her or her nurses in so long?" She rolled her eyes.

"She's one of our own..The chief of surgery's wife..." I said quietly, belaboring the point. Dr. Stephens sighed, knowing she could never ignore the chief of surgery comment.

"Fine. Let's stop in on our way to the OR. Dr. Montgomery needs a hand on a difficult teratoma removal"

I trailed behind Dr. Stephens to Callies room. When we were about halfway down the hall, Dr. Stephen's pager went off. She looked down in concern and picked up pace, still heading towards Callie's room. Just as she was about to enter Callie's room, she bumped into a frantic looking nurse.

"Cindy, what the hell happened?" Dr. Stephens said as she barged into the room. I slipped into the room behind her, there were three nurses racing around the room, one grabbing drugs, another was grabbing supplies. Owen was no where to be found.

"We were swamped today... All of us. We were jumping from room to room with other critical and laboring moms. I had her hooked up to the montiors...but she unplugged them. I got in here five minutes ago to find her fully dilated and the baby halfway through the birth canal. I paged you as soon as I found her like this"

"Shit" Dr. Stephens said under her breath. I stood back, dumbfounded by the sight unfolding before my eyes. Paralyzed in fear, I couldn't take my eyes off of Callie, trembling in pain, curled up in the fetal position, blood pooling the sheets beneath her. I felt my heart hit the floor, the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

"Dr. Torres, we have to get the baby out, now. I don't know how long you have been like this, but every minute we wait the baby is increasing the risk for hypoxia related brain injury and you're at risk for hemorrhage" Dr. Stephens said, gloving and gowning herself quickly.

"Arizona, page Dr. Hunt" Dr. Stephens said to me. I looked to Callie, she made no objection to his name, but I hesitated. Did Callie really want him here?

"Do it, _now_ " Dr. Stephens commanded me. "The chief of surgery will have my ass if he misses the birth of his first child" I nodded, typing his number into her pager and hitting the send button. Where the hell was he? How was he not here?

"Okay, Dr. Torres, it's time to push. Put your legs in the stirrups" Dr. Stephens said assertively. I could tell she was getting nervous, there was too much blood pooling beneath Callie. Callie's typical smooth, tanned complexion was now ghost-white and diaphoretic. And she didn't move a muscle when Dr. Stephens said to.

"Come on, sweetheart, it's time to meet your baby" one of the nurses said gently. I would have laughed if I wasn't paralyzed with fear in the corner of the room. Callie hated to be coddled or called sweetheart. No, that is not what she needed right now. She needed strength and support. She needed assurance, someone to tell her she would get through this, someone to tell her that she wasn't alone.

"Jesus Christ, Callie, I told you to call me when things progressed!" Owen said as he burst into the room, gowning himself quickly. After he got his gown on, he actually looked at her, realizing how much trouble she was in.

"What the hell is going on here! You need to get the baby out NOW" Owen commanded.

"I'm trying! Your wife isn't exactly cooperating" Dr. Stephens said.

"Callie, honey, it is time to push. Don't fight this." Owen said to her. Again, she was unresponsive, still rocking herself back and forth in the fetal position. The fetal heart monitor was starting to go off.

"God damn it. We need to do something" Owen said in frustration. "Page Addison Montgomery. We can do a C-section"

"The baby is already halfway through the birth canal. It will take one push. Pushing the baby backwards up the birth canal is going to cause more problems than it solves" Dr. Stephens said quickly. She was starting to lose her cool. The panic was heightened in the room. The nurses exchanged nervous glances. Everyone was slightly more fearful given the fact that this was the chief of surgery's child.

"Well we have to do something!" Owen said forcefully.

"Fine, page her" Dr. Stephens said, relenting. "This is your last chance, Dr. Torres. You're putting your child's life at risk here" She threatened. Was anyone in this room thinking about Callie besides me? Had anyone noticed that she was scared out of her mind, literally trembling in fear? More than that, did anyone care?

Callie looked up just briefly, enough for me to make eye contact. She needed me, like she needed me during the shooting. I needed to step up, to protect the woman I loved. I couldn't let her do this to herself. She had wanted this for far too long.

I walked to her bedside and kneeled down beside her, my head level with hers.

"What the hell is she doing?!" Owen said abruptly.

"Arizona, you are out of line" Dr. Stephens said. But truthfully, I hardly heard either of them. It was just Callie and I in that room now. I put my hand on her available cheek, rubbing it softly with my thumb. She was slick with sweat, her hair messy in her face.

"Calliope." I whispered. She looked up at me, her eyes wild with fear like I had never seen.

"I'm scared, Arizona" She whispered, her voice cracking and shaking with every word.

"It's ok to be scared. I'm scared. But I am here, now. With you. You and I, we can _do_ this" I said back to her, squeezing her hand.

"I can't lose you. I can't. I won't make it. I _need_ you." She sputtered, her breaths quickening, tears pouring down her face.

"I'm not going anywhere. You hear me? It's you and me now. It's us. Together. I've made my choice and I choose you, Calliope. I will always choose you. _We are in this, together"_ I said firmly to her, feeling my own tears fall down my cheeks.

"But first, we have to meet your daughter" I said, kissing her hand. The room had come to a halt, all eyes on Calliope and I. Callie gave me a small smile and nodded, shifting into the delivery position in front of Dr. Stephens. No one said a word.

"Just one big push. We can do this" I said, holding her hand. Somehow, as tired as she was from fighting hours of contractions, Callie pushed our daughter into the world.

That moment, hearing that baby cry for the first time, finding out that it was in fact, a girl, brought me to my knees. All that anger in the room, the panic, it fell away for that moment when Dr. Stephens held a healthy, crying baby into the air. The intensity of the love I felt in that moment, for both Callie and the baby, was indescribable. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the love in my heart doubled for this new, beautiful baby. Callie's baby. Our baby. In that moment, I felt joy, real joy. I never thought I would be happy again and now her, this baby, our new family.

No more than a minute later, everything became very dark. Because shortly after Callie and I grinned from ear to ear, my hand in hers, joyous about the arrival of our daughter, Callie's eyes rolled to the back of her head. Blood poured out of her. Montiors started beeping, her heart rate accelerating and her blood pressure falling. The nurses took the baby away and Owen followed. Dr. Stephens turned white as a ghost; she was out of her depths. Time stopped. I started screaming, telling Callie to wake up, yelling at the nurses to get O neg blood, screaming at someone to find Addison. She was dying. _Dying._ I saw the light leave her eyes. There was so much blood.

I saw our lives flash before mine.

Meeting, our first surgery, credit cards and chai lattes, learning about her, dancing in her office, our lips millimeters apart for the first time, the electricity, sparks and fireworks, the shooting, the med closet, pizza in bed, the shower, watching the water drip down her back, making love for the first time, every little thing about her, the therapy and the tears, falling in love with her, over and over again, losing her, seeing the baby for the first time, the bungalow, the dance and that moment when ours stars aligned again, losing Tim, the pain, knowing she was there, her. Callie. Callie. _Calliope._

Who am I without you?


	48. Chapter 48

Hello Readers!

Sorry for the extremely long delay. I have been working on this chapter for over a month now. And I am still not done :( I have decided to split it up in to a few parts, in part because it is incredibly long. Also because I owe you guys an update. Anyway, here is Part 1. Part 2 will be coming soon. Please comment and let me know how you like it.

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There was a time I knew exactly what I wanted.

I was that young girl that daydreamed about her wedding day. I imagined walking down the aisle in a big white dress, with my beautiful bridemaids dressed in pink by my side. I imagined my future husband kissing me as we said "I do".

I daydreamed about marriage. Waking up in the morning with his arm draped around my waist. Making breakfast for him before work while he read the paper. Coming home to him starting dinner, maybe steak kabobs and sweet corn. Making love before falling asleep in one another's arms.

Most of all, I daydreamed about my children. 3 girls and 1 boy. Their dark complexions and curly black hair. Kissing their baby toes and sending them off to kindergarten. Watching them navigate through life with two adoring parents at their side. That, I wanted most of all.

So I fought for it. I married Owen, a good man, a strong man, a man whose ideal aligned with mine. A man who made sense. I thought the comfort, the security I felt with him was love. It was all I knew, then.

Years passed, he was gone. More than that, absent, because of the military. I coped, excelling in my career. I love being a doctor. Owen and I...we were okay. I thought that was enough for me. I thought my dreams were fulfilled. Or, close to fulfilled. I just needed my babies.

There are moments in life that define us. There's the before, and the after. The moments that change us on a fundamental level.

For me, it wasn't becoming a doctor. It wasn't marrying Owen. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it wasn't the birth of Sophia, though that was surely pivotal. No, it was the most common of days, in what was supposed to be the most common of moments. Walking out of the physician locker room to my first surgery of this ordinary day, when I saw her.

Arizona.

It was so instantaneous, the thing between us. At the time, I didn't know what had hit me. But I know, she felt it too. It was written all over her face. She never has been one to hide her facial expressions.

So that was it, the before me, who wanted all of these superficial titles and labels.

And there was the after me, who had to reconcile with the fact that all of those dreams paled in comparison to my love for Arizona.

I fought it for a while. Not long, it was too strong, this thing between her and I. I tried to ignore the way she tilted her head slightly to the side when she looked at me. I didn't want to acknowledge her longing gazes from across the OR. I resisted opening up to her, despite falling into her deep blue eyes every time we spoke.

I could have ignored her. I could have never invited her to the physician's lounge, or shown her that heart surgery. I could have sent her home right after my surgeries were complete, instead of having her hang around and chat with me as we finished up the charting. I could have treated her as every other physician treated their scribe; as if they were just an other person in my OR.

I was walking a fine line then. And as much as I was trying to tell myself then that I was 'just being nice' or 'helping out a young student', I knew, deep down, that it was so much more than that. Even then, I was flirting with the devil. I could still go back then, if I had wanted to.

But then she caught me dancing in my office.

I used to love dancing. I was in salsa dancing classes from diapers to high school. I would go to clubs in my early twenties, just to dance it off. I danced in my underwear regularly in medical school after a long day of sitting in class. Ironically, I had stopped my random dancing outbursts. Maybe it was because Owen looked embarrassed for me whenever I danced. I thought maybe I was just over a stage. But then Arizona came, and I was dancing again.

Instead of watching me dance with mild embarrassment and discomfort, she made me feel sexy, carefree. I hadn't been allowed to feel that way in so long. So we fell into a rhythm and I danced with her. At that time, I wasn't ready to admit that I was attracted to another woman, especially one ten years my junior.

But I still remember the look on her face that night in my office, bright eyed and nibbling on her lower lip. Her long blonde hair and perfect breasts bouncing to the beat. She told me later that when I ground my ass into her crotch, she almost lost her cool. I remember feeling the same way. How close were we to fucking each other right then and there? We will never know. But I am glad it didn't happen then. It would have been too much for that moment.

Something changed with that dance. Because it felt right. It felt real. And that was entirely the problem, it was now all too real.

I tried to cross back over that line. I wanted to go back to when we at least had a collegial facade. So I fired her.

I knew it wouldn't work. I knew one of us would return to the other, whether it was me begging her to come back or her begging for her job back. I didn't think it would be so soon. So as surprised as I was to see her the next day, nothing could prepare me for what we went through next.

It's hard for me to think back to that day. Some days, the guilt is too much to bear. Over and over, I go over what I could have done to prevent such a horrendous outcome. There are no easy solutions. There are no quick answers. But that tragic day will live with me for the rest of my life. It is my cross to bear.

So much occurred in such a short time frame. Arizona and I were still sorting through this complex dynamic that had just been added to our relationship before the shooting. Then suddenly, we were forced into a life or death situation. Arizona, ignoring every lockable door and every innocent life in her path until she found me. She saved me that day. I am forever grateful and she wouldn't do anything differently, but that doesn't make her guilt disappear either. Unlike me, she never fully allowed herself to digest the trauma we had gone through. To this day, there are nights she wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming for me to run. Those nights I hold her, like she held me in the medicine closet. We will always protect each other, she proved that to me that day.

The night and morning after the shooting, was the culmination of weeks of built up sexual attraction and hours of paralyzing fear, sprinkled with the grace of a near death experience. Not to mention we were alone for the first time since we had crossed paths. I didn't sleep that night. Instead, I watched her toss and turn, hoping she would move just an inch closer, within my reach. After hours of watching her, with no progress made in my direction, no hint that she was interested in more than sleeping, I put my hand out and traced her torso. Immediately, she stiffened but shortly returned my small attempt at contact. There was security in the darkness, I could feel her, touch her, without having to face the truth. I remember her pulling me close, feeling her breath on my lips. I wanted her in the most organic way a person can want another person. The desire hung thick in the air between us. I was almost there, ready to make that leap. But then the tears started falling before I could even comprehend them.

So I rolled over, leaving her alone with my wet tears still on her hands. And I realized what I crying for was more than what we had experience together the day before. I was subconsciously mourning the loss of how i thought my life was going to go.

In that moment, on some elementary level, I chose Arizona. In that moment, I disregarded my vows and my marriage. I disregarded my cheating, emotionally absent husband. I pushed down my desire for children and my future perfect family. I forgot about my career and my pride and my unremitting need to control every aspect of my life.

And I chose her.

I crossed another line I could never uncross.

I left my bathroom door open that morning, taunting her, inviting her to join me. It frightened me, how much I wanted her.

I lost my virginity to Owen towards the end of undergrad. It was nothing special, really. It was a Saturday night, we both had been drinking. We had hooked up before, but never had sex. That night, I told him I was ready. I anxiously awaited as he slipped the condom onto his erect penis, both of us laughing nervously. He asked if I was ready and I said yes. I thought it would be this mind blowing, life changing experience. But today, all I really remember was slight pain and the discomfort of something foreign thrusting in and out of me. I remember laying there thinking, this is it? This is what making love is supposed to be? There was nothing sexy about it. I rolled over after with an empty feeling in my stomach.

We had better sex, after years of practice. I got used to the grunting and the thrusting. Sometimes, it was nice simply because it was just to be close to someone.

My first time with Arizona, well there aren't words for it. This, I thought after, was what I have been missing out on. This is what sex is supposed to feel like. Never in my life has someone been so tuned into what made me moan, what made me wet. I felt cherished, adored, _loved._

And Arizona, her hair pulled back and dripping down her wet back. Her bright blue eyes shining with desire. Her flat stomach, perky breasts and firm ass. She flipped a switch for me. A good looking woman, I had always appreciated in a physical sense. But this was different. Her naked body, I was so attracted to. Her womanly, soft features were more appealing to me than Owen's gruff face and chiseled muscles. It was unexpected, my physical attraction to another woman, but I embraced it. How could I not? I had the sexiest woman alive right in front of me, making me cum with the flick of her wrist.

The next few weeks were so complicated by my efforts to make things simple. While we were sorting through the grief and guilt over the shooting, our physical relationship took precedence. It felt so good, trying to make things as simple as they could be. When I was with Arizona, we were just two people who were crazy about each other, having amazing sex. We were getting to know each other too, but I kept her at arms length when it came to my marriage and Owen. I wasn't ready to let those different parts of my life intersect. I wanted to have it all.

It was selfish of me.

But at the same time, I needed that time with her. I lived for my time with Arizona. Because it was so simple, she was so simple. I had a beautiful, blonde, breathtakingly stunning woman right in front of me, who understood me unlike anyone else had before her. And she adored me. With her, I had it all. Almost.

The fact that I was cheating on my husband, breaking my vows, was something I wasn't ready to think seriously about. Whenever those thoughts bubbled to the surface, I suppressed them with justifications. He was checked out of our marriage, he was in love with another woman, etc etc. I wasn't ready to leave my wonderland.

Of course, something had to give. I didn't expect it to be Arizona half naked under my desk while Owen kissed me five feet from her, but I knew the time would come. I was teetering on the edge of a decision. But then she made it for me. She left me in my office, madder than hell. I didn't think she would come back. I didn't deserve her second chances.

Loneliness overwhelmed me so quickly I thought I was suffocating.

So I ran after Owen, pulled him into an on call room and had sex with him.

It had been months since we had even touched one another in a sexual way. I imagine my sudden, out of the blue advances took him by surprise. But he went along with it. Maybe he did it out of guilt and obligation. I will never know.

It was rough, forceful and emotionally painful. How had I pretended to enjoy sex with Owen for so long? Now that I had had Arizona's tender touch and soft body beneath mine, anyone else would never feel as good.

After, neither of us felt good about ourselves. Owen looked as guilty as I felt. How fucked up is that? A married couple, feeling guilty about sleeping with their spouse because of their love for their mistresses.

Little did I know, that one time, all precipitated by Arizona leaving me, my Sophia was conceived.

I never imagined my life to end up this way.

I went to Joe's that night, because Owen had to "work late". I just wanted to drink and forget about the mess I was in. And I missed Arizona so intensely that I needed to take the edge off.

Who would have thought I would see her there that night? It was both painful and comforting, watching her there. But I couldn't stop. She drew me in, intoxicated me.

Would she ever know how she moved me?

Would the universe ever stopped pulling us together?

There was a time during Owen and I's engagement, probably the peak of our relationship, when I saw another woman flirting with Owen. She was a cute, short, red headed nurse that he worked with regularly. I remember walking around a corner of the hospital, trying to find him so we could get coffee together, when I saw her hand on his arm, laughing obnoxiously at something he had said. There was a flicker in his eye, the excitement of doing something forbidden. I remember feeling my heart sink when I realized he wasn't going to pull away from her friendly touch. But, I turned around and walked away, shoving the whole encounter to the back of my brain.

Had they slept together? I doubt it. We were still sleeping together regularly at that point and like I said, we were relatively happy.

Even at the peak of Owen and I's relationship, that horrible feeling I had seeing him with that woman that day, was absolutely negligible compared to the blind rage I felt when I saw Arizona with Alex Karev.

And when he started to touch her against her drunken will, I lost my shit.

Like I said, we would always protect each other.

So I threw him to the ground and told him if he ever touched her again, that I would kill him with my bare hands. When he called me a crazy bitch, I told him not to mess with me. Remember, I said, I know our chief of surgery all too well. That shut him up, and I watched him scurry off to his next booty call.

Taking care of her that night wasn't a chore, it was a relief. I knew she extremely drunk, but safe and better yet, with me. I took great comfort in that.

I didn't expect what happened next. Her crawling on top of me, naked, extremely intoxicated, and telling me she was in love with me.

Those are words you can't take back.

Yet another line crossed.

But then, she passed out. It was like she had this mission to accomplish before she lost consciousness for the night. And that left me with a choice: ignore it, the much easier option, or acknowledge it.

I laid there most of the night, watching her breathe. She was beautiful, even with puke in her hair and booze coming out of her pores. I traced her outline with my finger tips, kissing the base of her neck ever so softly. Even then I knew, I loved her more than I had ever loved another person. It scared me. Again, everything I thought I was, everything I thought I would be, was shifted by this one person, this one beautiful woman laying right in front of me.

This one woman was going to blow up my life.

But that night, I didn't see her for what she could be, but for what she was. And what Arizona was, who Arizona is, is the girl with the brightest smile in the room. The girl with the brains to outwit most surgeons at Seattle Grace. The girl who loved harder and more fearlessly than anyone I had ever known. She was innocent, pure. She hadn't been scarred by the realities of life and medicine yet. She saw things through rose colored glasses. There were no obstacles in Arizona's eyes.

She loved me.

And I loved her.

So I told her more. I gave her more. Because I wanted us to be more.

She was never just a hook up. Arizona was never a just a distraction.

I loved her.

How could I take that away from her?

We had an amazing few weeks of us. Just us. We were having sex every spare twenty minutes we had. If we had less than twenty minutes, we usually tried to make do with that.

We bore our souls to one another. Not because it felt like the thing to do, but because our cohesion was such that I felt like we understood one another enough to do so. You know when people say "oh that person just gets me". Yeah, I never understood that until Arizona. But Arizona, she gets me. She feels how I feel before I can even feel it for myself. It's indescribable, but how do you describe a relationship with your soul mate? You can't. It just, is.

It was crazy and beautiful and everything felt so...indescribable. Our world was the world. At least, for a while.


	49. Chapter 49

Then her parents came. Meeting them, and Tim, was accidental. They gave me the full picture of Arizona, and that scared me.

She always made me feel like I was the only person in the world. Yet, she had a life I had not yet considered, not fully, anyway. Arizona had goals, ambitions, plans, before me. I had fallen in love with someone who had dreams beyond getting married and having babies. I understood that; I also had dreams and plans and goals.

The obstacles between us became ever more glaring.

That's kind of when everything started; when the small world we had created began to fall apart. Her, realizing that her dreams of going to Hopkins would not allow us to be together. To my surprise months later, her accepting her offer to University of Washington without telling me. Then of course, the symptoms that I had been subconsciously ignoring for far too long. The missed periods, the breast tenderness, the slightest weight gain. I pushed it down, I ignored it. Until I couldn't anymore.

I had wanted a child forever. Truly, forever. Long before Arizona came into the picture. I had begged Owen to start a family, but every deployment set our timeline further and further back. By the time he was home for more than a few months at a time, we had grown apart so incredibly that discussing children was almost a fallacy. But it only took that one time, that one hasty sexual encounter between Owen and I that really only happened because of Arizona. It's ironic, isn't it, how things like that happen?

But it did. And I realized it when Addison asked me why I hadn't had kids yet. It just, came to me. I was literally being slapped in the face by reality (at a baby shower, making onesies, hanging out with pregnant nurses, for god's sake) but apparently it took Addison's pointed questions to make me realize it. Later, she would tell me she was suspicious that I was pregnant when she was asking me those questions and was trying to get a confession out of me. She is an OBGYN, she recognizes the subtleties of the physique changes in first trimester moms.

I expected the moment I found out I was pregnant for the first time to be one of the happiest of my life. I thought I would be that woman who wrapped up the pregnancy test and gave it to her husband in a box. I thought I would be thrilled, excited, and oh so happy.

Instead, I remember feeling filled with dread, telling Owen when he finally got home from work around 10:00pm that same night of the baby shower. Undoubtedly, he had been with Cristina in the hours prior coming home, he walked through the door with a big smile on his face.

That smile went away when I told him about the baby.

There were no smiles, no tears of joy and definitely no pregnancy tests wrapped up with cute bows and boxes. No, it was more of a simple statement of fact; "I'm pregnant", while I watched his mouth drop open in disbelief.

We had wanted this, truly. We had wanted a baby forever. But now? We stood there looking at each other, trying to pull ourselves out of the disappointment we both felt about this pregnancy. This was what we had wanted, just not how we had wanted it.

We didn't speak for over an hour, until he asked a question I knew he had been longing to ask since I told him the news.

"Are you keeping it?"

Did I know at that point? No, I don't think I did. I was still in shock, still desperate to hold onto what Arizona and I had. I wanted things to stay the way they were. I was finally happy.

Yet, I said, "Of course"

And then, he finally smiled, embracing me in a hug. For a moment, I felt the man I married. The man who wanted what I had wanted. Who could give me everything I had ever dreamed of, the kids, the suburbia life style, all of it. I had to hold onto that moment for months. Because after I ended things with Arizona, that moment was all I had.

I don't like to talk about the days that followed. The week of me attempting to distance myself from Arizona in vain. I was distracting myself from her in every way possible, surgery after surgery, meeting after meeting, all in an attempt to push her away. Was I really foolish enough to think that that might work then?

I knew what I had to do. I just, didn't want to do it.

I had been anticipating her questions for days until she finally confronted me. I was ready for it. I put my stern face on. I tried to detach myself, tell myself that this is what I needed to do, for the both of us. But the whole time she was talking, begging me not to end what we had, I was fighting the urge to completely fall apart. Watching her walk out of that door was the most painful experience of my life.

I threw myself into work after she left. Surgery after surgery after surgery. I didn't hire a new scribe; I did the charts myself, keeping myself at work even longer. Anything to distract myself, I did. Because any moment that wasn't occupied, I thought about her and I missed her. I missed her so much my stomach hurt, my chest felt heavy. Her loss suffocated me unless I actively fought against it.

I remember shortly after Arizona left (or I thought she had left), maybe 10 days or so had passed. I had been working nonstop, not sleeping more than an hour or two a night (with sleep came dreams and with dreams came Arizona, always). One of these days, I broke down. I lost a patient unexpectedly, during the beginning of what was supposed to be a long surgery. Suddenly, the rest of my day was empty and was told by Owen to "go home early". I panicked, borderline begging him for something to do. He sensed my panic and asked if I was okay. I nodded yes and ran to my office. I sat down and tried to do my research, but the memories of her wouldn't stop coming. Her bright blue eyes, the way she simultaneously shrugged her shoulders and smiled, the sweetness in her voice, the way she got me to dance again.

I felt stuck and suddenly, the room was much too small. Closing in on me. I began to hyperventilate and cry, feeling like I was going to die. Just as I felt myself start to lose consciousness, Addison walked into my office. She asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't breathe, much less speak. She asked me where my scribe was, and that only made me sob harder. Then, I think she came to realize was she suspected all along; I was in love with Arizona. She sat beside me and rubbed my back for almost an hour until I was calm enough to speak. By that time, neither of us knew what to say. So we sat there, in disbelief of my reality.

The next day, I told Owen I was going on a surgical leave and had accepted a temporary teaching position at the medical school. I told him it was to cut back and relax before the baby, but in reality, I couldn't stand the thought of going back to Seattle Grace one more day without her.

At first, Owen and I tried to be the married couple we always wanted to be. When we got home from work, we would actually talk, usually about the baby. We tried making dinner together, going on dates, reconnecting, like couples do. But this only made the distance between us more apparent. He missed Cristina. He stopped coming home happy and instead had to force a smile when he walked through our doors. I believe he was excited about the baby, I really do. I also believe he tried and wanted us to work and be a real family. But reality was starting to set in, we were nothing more than two people who wanted similar futures. We were not compatible and we were definitely not in love.

I never thought I would see Arizona again. I imagined, prayed, hoped, that she had flown across the country and never looked back. I wanted that for her, a chance to start fresh. I fantasized about her sailing through medical school and dominating her clinical rotations. I imagined her operating for the first time; her small, dexterous hands making subtle, fine movements in an effort to heal. It pained me deeply, but I even imagined her with someone else, a partner, finding happiness again.

She deserved everything, absolutely _everything._ I had taken so much.

These fantasies kept me alive when I ached for her so deeply I thought my heart might stop. I may never recover from letting her go, but I prayed she would find the strength to find herself again.

And then, there she was. Right in front of me, in _my_ classroom. At first, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, possibly producing some sort of coping type of hallucination. So I carried on with class while she sat there, flushed, looking like she was about to pass out. I was almost too scared to ask her to come to my office after class; I truly could not believe it was actually her.

But it was, it was her. _Arizona._ I don't even remember what I said to her. I don't remember feeling, saying or thinking about anything other than how shocked I was. I remember reaching out to touch her, feeling her warmth beneath my fingertips, knowing she was real and losing my will.

In that moment, I gave up. I was done beating against this false set of dreams I had caged myself in. I gave up on pushing myself away from her. I succumbed to her.

I didn't know what that meant then. I thought maybe we would carry on in a teacher/student relationship only. Maybe we could become friends, good friends. In the farthest depths of my mind, the thoughts I just couldn't allow to surface, I hoped we could be us again, whatever that "us" ever was or would ever be.

What I did know, was that I was done pretending I could ever exist in a world she was not a part of.

Giving up felt so good. I felt myself come out of the fog I had been in since she had left. Even Owen noticed; though he attributed my newfound happiness to passing the halfway point in our pregnancy and my love of teaching. But no, it was her. Being around her again, it helped. I know it helped her too.

But I continued to ask too much of her.

I turned to her when I thought I was miscarrying. I saw the light in her eyes when she saw the baby for the first time. When I should have turned away, I looked to her, sharing that precious moment of seeing my daughter with her. I got too close when we were alone in Addison's office. I taunted her, I wanted her to kiss me, I wanted to know that she still needed me as much as I need her. Then, I left her, cruelly, with my husband. Later, I learned she ran into the Leah's arms. I don't blame her; we all heal differently. But even now, the thought makes my chest ache.

I took from her again when I found out about Leah. Sure, I had imagined Arizona finding someone, but never had I put a face to the woman she entwined her hands with. It disgusted me, no, that is an understatement. It threw me into a blind rage. I hated Leah. Every part of me wanted to physically tear them apart when I saw them together for the first time. And the look on Arizona's face, it said everything, _I'm sorry, but I need to try._

Had I not been 7 months pregnant, I would have gone kickboxing. There's nothing more soothing than kicking the shit out of those punching bags in times of anger. But a pregnant belly is not exactly conducive to kickboxing, so instead I drove to the hospital. I went to my lab, and smashed all of my faulty prosthetics with a hammer. It took almost an hour; I was dripping sweat by the end. At the end, I didn't even feel better. In fact, I felt worse. I knew then that Arizona and I could never be friends.

So, I took that last bit of her. I said…horrible things to her in that stairwell. Things I can't believe I said now. Things I said out of anger and jealousy. Things I can't take back.

Did Owen notice my sudden change in mood? Oh no, I am quite sure he was back to sleeping with Cristina at this point. Honestly, I was grateful. I couldn't handle our facade anymore.

I drew up divorce papers that night.

My plan was to wait until after the baby was born to serve him the papers. I didn't want this baby coming into a world where his or her parents were hateful towards one another.

But then the dance happened.

I was watching her all night. She had no idea, of course. While Owen was off socializing, doing his chiefly duties, I sat on the periphery of the party and watched Arizona.

It was torturous, really, watching her with Leah. Watching her try to be happy. But what hurt even more? Watching her scan the room, looking for me.

When I eventually lost sight of her. I cursed myself for being pregnant; I could have really used a drink right now. Especially when Owen came over and asked me to dance. I reluctantly obliged, despite being emotionally exhausted and wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep away the memories of that evening.

But then, there she was. Arizona. Swaying to the beat in the arms of Leah. I imagined myself in her place, having the privilege of holding her in my arms one last time. Did Leah know how lucky she was? Would she remember to cherish that moment with her? Would she ever memorize the curves of her back the way I had? Did she know I would give my life to be in her place?

No, no she couldn't, she wouldn't. Impossible. How could anyone love her the way I did?

For one moment, I closed my eyes, swallowing my sorrow, my loss.

And again, she was gone.

I separated myself from Owen abruptly. He looked to me inquisitively, and I told him I needed to use the restroom. Stupid pregnancy bladder, I joked. He nodded and said he would meet me at the bar.

As I quickened my pace towards Arizona, I couldn't help but notice Cristina Yang sipping on a drink, talking to another man at the bar.

I found her where I knew she would be. Our spot, somewhere only we knew.

She was so upset, furious even, with me. I understood why, I had taken so much from her. I had been unfair to her. I knew, deep down, that she loved me, and I took advantage of that.

But did I not have the right to be angry as well? Arizona came into my life without warning, unknowingly turning my world upside down. Had she no idea how much she owned me, how every part of me felt as if I was in orbit around her?

I professed this to her.

I almost let her walk out that door.

We could have pretended all of it never happened. We could have continued working towards the minute progress we had made. I could have returned to Owen. She could have returned to Leah. We could have tried to be happy apart.

But even now, I can't imagine it.

I couldn't bear the thought of letting her leave me again.

So I grabbed her. And I kissed her.

There was no hesitation in her lips.

We made love in a way we never had before. Intensely, passionately, longingly, forgivingly. She consumed me in every sense of the word. I fell so deeply into her in those moments I never wanted to surface again.

After, was clarity for me. It was always Arizona, it was always going to be Arizona.

The planets would bend between us now.


End file.
